I (24f) told my husband (24m) a few months ago that I have been unhappy in our marriage for at least 2 years. I told him I couldn’t do it anymore and I was out, but we remained living together because of our child, and i’m a stay at home mom so I couldn’t just move out at the blink of an eye. Shortly after expressing my feelings on our marriage to my husband, I entertained another man over the internet. In my eyes, and I thought in his, we were separated (I know it still doesn’t make it right) we hadn’t worn our wedding rings, we were barely even
speaking. He still wants to fix our marriage and I feel really guilty that I am completely numb to our relationship.
A little backstory, we got married in 2021, and soon after I really started feeling so alone. All he did was work, come home and rage on video games until he went to bed. Every single day, I would just sit on the couch and wait for him to be finished and come hangout with me. I begged him for years to change. I should also add, that he has been a serial liar throughout our relationship. He expressed to me that he was depressed, he really was full of so much negativity. I remember sitting in the car outside of the courthouse before grabbing our marriage license, he said something that still, 2 years later, is so clear in my head. He said “You really make me want to kill myself.” It broke me. And we somehow convinced each other to still go through with the marriage. 4 months after the wedding I fell pregnant and was hopeful that things would change. They got worse. I was alone for 9 months straight. I built our daughters entire nursery alone, I cleaned alone, I picked through baby names alone, researched alone, everything I did alone, while he played games. After our daughter was born, obviously he didn’t have as much time to play games and I was so caught up in being a new mom I spent every second of the day consumed with my baby for at least the first 6 months of her life. When she started getting more independent I really started gaining mental clarity on what the hell have I been doing.
Around this time I started to express to him how I had been feeling. I resented him. Every conversation that wasn’t about our daughter was an argument. We weren’t even compatible anymore.
I told him I wanted to leave but I was scared, and I didn’t want him to hurt himself or go down a dark path if I did leave, so I tried to let him down gently. I had spent 7 years of my life just putting up with him, and I feel like I am so young and never got a chance to really live and feel life. Once he realized how serious I was about leaving this time, he’s really changing and trying to be better. He is love bombing me. But, I feel nothing. I am numb to it. I feel so guilty for what I did and and extremely worried about what he will do/how he will feel if I go through with actually leaving, so i’ve stayed. I cant bring myself to leave. I dont want to hurt him anymore than he already has been. But it feels wrong, my soul just hurts and it wants more. What do I do?
tl;dr I entertained a man on the internet after I told my husband I was over our marriage, and now he’s love bombing me and I feel bad for wanting out.
ETA: I wanted to clarify because some people
were confused, I never did anything physical with anyone. I talked with another man over the internet after I had this talk with my husband. He considers it cheating which makes me feel like a cheater regardless but wanted to clarify.
34 comments
If he really wanted to change, he would have done it the first time you asked him to.
That’s the purpose of the love bombing, because if he was 100% shit it would be easy to leave. Stay the course, you don’t owe him anything.
It isn’t your fault that it took separating for him to put in effort, but you need to be focusing on independence, not managing his feelings.
I’m sorry but if anyone ever said “you make me want to kill myself”, I am blowing up and telling them to get the fuck outta my life right then and there. There is no coming back from that. Like fine, go do that but do it out of my life.
Sometimes ‘change’ is too little, too late.
Read back about how he’s tested you for years. You’ve checked out. He’s been a terrible partner. He can be a good dad and not a good husband to you. He can be a good dad after you leave
Can we PLEASE stop saying crappy husbands are good fathers? You are not a good father if you’re actively harming the primary caretaker of your child. It’s like abusing the daycare workers. No, you’re not a good father if you’re harming the person raising and taking care of YOUR kid. They cannot be the best mother they can if their mind is being beaten by the person who should be supporting them. Neglect and abuse make for a broken mother and therefore a broken child. Not sorry.
Double standards really on display here.
You’re a filthy cheater. I suspect there’s more to the story than “my husband is in the wrong.”
You should not have cheated. You could have gone to individual therapy or filed for a divorce.
Cheating is NEVER the answer, it just creates more problems.
If you’ve been 100% clear on your end then it’s not your fault he didn’t take you seriously. Also, who are you keeping happy by staying? Clearly not you, your husband knows he’s in a relationship with someone who doesn’t want to be with him so definitely not him and your daughter will learn what relationships look like based on what yours looks like, is this really what you want for her?
NTA, leave. Go move in with your parents or a friend for a while. Set very clear very obvious boundaries and don’t move them.
You’re both bad people tbh.
You need to start figuring out how to function with child support and a job. It won’t be easy but I’d you’re leaving then you need to physically leave. He’s love bombing and manipulative but you’ve been a bit back and forth. If you stay you’ll go back to him then leave then go back…I know because my friend did this. Her husband strangled her, she lived in a shelter for a month, couldn’t sort out finances, and now she’s back living with him. She’s said they’re not together, but she hasn’t said that in a while and I know they’re sleeping together. It’s a mess and their kid is in the middle. BADLY.
Chaos isn’t healthy for children.
You may have to consider temporarily living with friends or family. He’s going to start treating you worse if he’s paying all the bills and you’re living there benefiting from it. Trust me. I also watched my step dad try to murder my mother. She took him back and within a month or two he lost it again. Everyone survived but that was finally the end.
You need to be 100% clear that it’s over. None of this back and forth. You’ve already been with someone else. He’s not going to let that go.
Leave and you can both find happiness – don’t drag it out
No excuse for cheating.
The double standards on n Reddit is ridiculous….
Get out of this marriage. This is NO way to live.
You need to leave. You’re miserable, he’s not changing and there’s nothing worse for a kid growing up in a home with two people who hate each other. Can you move in with your folks or a sibling for a bit until you get a job and save some money?
Also NEVER post on Reddit about infidelity – they act like you committed a crime worse than BTK and are allergic to moral complexity.
I didn’t feel like I cheated at the time. I told him we were done and we used the term separated, and then I confided in another man over the internet. And he obviously took that as cheating and in a way I do agree with him. Either way what I did was wrong and I’ve taken full responsibility for it. He still wants to make us work though which is why I feel so bad for feeling the way I do. Because if he is forgiving me for that, I feel the need to forgive him for how he has treated me I guess.
You had a troubled relationship and decided to go through with marriage and bring a child into this world. Your feelings are valid, those are valid concern and certainly grounds to go your separate ways, but you went about it the wrong way. When your marriage no longer works, you don’t start entertaining and sleeping with other people. You get yourself a job, a place to live, file for divorce and resume your life. You’re deflecting and making excuses for your behavior.
Do not stay in a relationship that you feel “numb” in and you should not feel bad about leaving it. He has continually shown a pattern of actions and that will not change. Love bombing isn’t a genuine change and it’s manipulative. You’re also not responsible for his mental health. He has had plenty of time to work on his issues but instead of taking accountability for them he said you make him want to kill himself. That is not ok and he has yet to work on his mental health four years later? That makes me wonder if he’s truly depressed and this is coming from someone who is and has had suicidal ideation. Yes, people can be depressed and not seek help but that is no excuse to treat you poorly. You’re still young and you can find someone who treats you as a priority and values your feelings and what you have to say. You and your daughter deserve more.
As for the “cheating,” is it really cheating? You talked to a man over the internet after you ended the marriage. Just because you’re still married doesn’t mean the relationship is active. Your husband didn’t, and doesn’t, even wear his ring, doesn’t talk to you, and ignores you, yet he wants to “fix” things? To me it just seems like the relationship had ended thus you didn’t cheat.
…..and this is why 22 year olds shouldn’t get married.
Okay I don’t understand why you’d share this here, it’s like you’re looking for a whipping. I also don’t understand ppl who think cheating is the worst thing in the world as if it’s always black/white and anyone who ever does it is scum like please grow up. If I had a partner who made me feel awful and I expressed that to them with no resolution, let’s just say I wouldn’t necessarily feel terrible about cheating. It’s all relative, now go figure out how to get out of this.
This is why you don’t get married young, especially when your relationship already has problems. Marriage doesn’t solve problems, it magnifies them. Your feelings are valid and your husband is shit, but take some responsibility for your actions and entering into a marriage from a relationship you already knew was shit. File for divorce, get a job, and find a new place for you and your daughter to live.
Do you have anywhere else you can go at the moment? A friends or a family members? I think it was a huge mistake the break up the marriage but then continue to live with him as a stay at home mom. You are going to need to get a job and figure out living/child care for you and your kid. Contact a lawyer and start discussing options for divorce and shared custody. I’m sorry, but it seems really unfair to declare you are unhappy and want out of a marriage and then just stick around for the money.
You don’t have to feel guilty about being unhappy. Your husband told you that you make him want to kill himself as you were picking up your marriage license. That is NOT okay. It sounds like you are not a great match with each other and it’ll be better to cut your losses and separate sooner rather than later. Think of your kid, what do you want them to be around while they are growing up?
>. I remember sitting in the car outside of the courthouse before grabbing our marriage license, he said something that still, 2 years later, is so clear in my head. He said “You really make me want to kill myself.”
Uh. So not only you get married to him afterward, you also have a child with him.
And he’s basically threatening harm to himself if you leave or whatnot.
Ok, I watch too much true crime and I don’t see you staying with him bringing any positive outcomes…
The cheating part is bad. You entertaining romantic notion with another guy. Sure, it’s horrible.
But he sounds abusive af too. You should definitely LEAVE for your safety and your child’s.
If he threatens to unalive himself, call the police on him every time for wellness check. ALSO, keep every record of his messages threatening this, don’t block him but don’t engage too if you do leave (I hope you do).
Boy, if this comment section isn’t Reddit in a nutshell…
OP tells the story of a spouse who is completely neglectful, checked out of the marriage, spends all his time at home playing video games, does nothing to try to change even when she openly communicates her feelings to him, gets to the point where neither one of them even wears their wedding rings anymore, and tells his spouse that she makes him want to *kill himself…*
And all of those examples of him being an absolute garbage partner mean nothing to Redditors, because all that is somehow better than her entertaining some guy on the internet. Some of you people have a ton of growing up to do.
Leave.
He is responsible for his life. You are responsible for yours. If you’re really worried he’s not just being manipulative then call the police and let them know so they can place hjm on an involuntary hold for 72hrs.
He needs help. He needs to come to that decision and want help. It’s not your job to keep him alive.
Tell him you don’t want a relationship anymore, ask to stay with some family members or start saving. You need to get away and let him sort out his life. You need to sort yourself out, you’re a mess. Get it together. Prioritize your baby and you, stop relying on him and stay single for a while. Take a breath
It is absolutely fucked up he would dump the weight of his life on you. Absolutely fucked up.
This sounds like my first marriage to my sons donor. Please, leave. And don’t feel guilty about what you did, it’s understandable. I did similar in my marriage after we split for a couple weeks the first time. He convinced me to stay, and I was still miserable. He never changed. The next year I left him for good and my life has been significantly better. I was single for a while but ended up with his best friend years later. Best relationship of my entire life and he’s an amazing father to my exes son and our baby.
His feelings are not your issue.
It’s not cheating imo and I’m usually very judgemental about people who do this type of stuff. Your ex just sounds like he sucks.
I don’t know if this is cheating or not. You told him it was over. This isn’t like a lot of the other stories on here. It only takes ONE person to end the relationship even if the other person doesn’t agree.
I don’t believe he actually wants to fix the marriage, I think he just wants to make sure you are “punished” by him for longer. Who is going around telling their wife that they make them want to kill themselves? Lying to them?
From his point of view, you are legally married and still living there. So perhaps it’s time to file for divorce, custody, get a job, stop relying on him in any way.
He sounds like a jerk. Why did you marry him at all? Was he so wonderful before?
Oh honey I’m sorry this is difficult. Simple answer, leave. You are not responsible for how he deals with his emotions, if things aren’t working out and you’ve tried, you don’t need to keep trying. Our time here is limited and rare. Do what is right for you and your soul to thrive. There are people that will understand and be there for you always. I understand, I feel for you. Just do what’s right for you love, I know it’s hard worrying about the other person and what could happen but you can’t worry about that, they are their own person just as you are and we have to do what’s right for us. If he truly truly cares about you he would understand.
You can’t cheat on a marriage that doesn’t exist. It wasn’t physical and his abusive neglectful behavior more than justifies your actions. He was a piece of shit. If you both work on the relationship, it might be salvageable.
This relationship is toxic and needs to be let go.
Your husband is not a good husband, he should be helping you and supporting you period. He is using the threats he is as a means of control and manipulation.
However, that is no reason to cheat either.
You have checked out of this marriage and that’s ok but the right thing now is to divorce. You will be unhappy remaining married to this man and your child will be raised in a poor environment if you stay.
Don’t feel bad OP. Get some financial stability and get out. In some cases, the grass IS greener on the other side.
You didnt cheat. The marriage was over, and you were separated (albeit not physically but for all intents and purposes you say you made it clear it was over). Work on an escape plan asap. Your only responsibility to this man is ensuring he has access to his daughter but only if he behaves himself.