My wife (F32) and I (M36) have been together for 13 years and married for 1 and a half.
About a month ago I have started to have anxiety and intrusive thoughts that my wife is going to leave me. There really isnt a reason behind this that I could say that its why Im feeling the way I am but its getting to the point that if I see her talking either through DM’s or in person with a guy I just think shes flirting or that its the start of something and its starting to hurt our relationship and especially me the foremost.
We are both getting in shape and for some reason I just see her as way more than myself and believe that she could be with somebody much more attractive or with a better body and on the other hand my self-esteem is way down and I have many insecurties even though Im looking better than ever.
I try to ignore the thoughts and just let it be but it gets to me so much that I have to confront her about it.
Im afraid of losing everything weve built, the memories we have created and especially her family which they love me very much and so do I.
She has told me to trust her and that she only loves me and wants to be with me but my brain doesnt want to accept it…
What can I do to avoid this, what should my thought process be? What steps can I take to start heading torwards the right direction with myself and my relationship?
Thanks!
16 comments
Therapy. Therapy can help you navigate your way through this.
I agree with therapy. It can help you address your anxiety by trying to get to the root of it. People really undervalue therapy, but it’s a very important tool for those who suffer from anxiety and low self esteem.
Not to feed your fears, but what therapy will do is help you strengthen yourself so that no matter what happens in your marriage, you will be OK. A good therapist will encourage you to communicate openly and honestly with your partner.
Speaking from experience. Married and happy but still suffered from anxiety. The more I talk to my partner about things that bother me the closer we get because I feel safer knowing who he is (not someone who will cheat).
You treat it the same as any other anxiety and intrusive thoughts. Go to the doctor. Go to therapy. Get meds. Start journaling. This is a free online anxiety class by a real therapist. https://youtube.com/playlist?list=PLiUrrIiqidTVqab7pZivzb-e-tMA8qjd-&si=qLVjZVMUUKnPiRn8
Keep talking to her. Communication is key here. Tell her your fears. If she truly loves you, she will keep your fears in mind and not do things to trigger you
I like therapy
You go to therapy by yourself, and you learn to be a safe place for her to come to with issues she’s having before she’d even consider acting on them.
If you’re jealous, it’s your insecurities showing up. Work on learning to love yourself.
Op I am in same position ( I am in great shape and much younger then my husband but I have feeling he will leave me) I had this feelings for long time and after long years of researching I realized that I need therapy.
Medication can help too but PLEASE DONT TAKE MEDICATION FOR THIS REASON.
Start your therapy, make yourself sure that you are wroth it for her love.
It’s just thought , you have to overcome from this cage of thoughts.
While you find the right therapist
Google jealousy and insecurity to find out the root cause applicable to you.
Get a self esteem workbook to boost yourself in your comparisons.
I dont agree with communicating all your insecurities every time you feel them with no self limit as it may degrade your marriage at some point.
The person responsible to stem your overflow of intrusive insecure thoughts must first and foremost be yourself and not always on her it may eventually exhaust and exasperate her involuntarily.
Make sure you dont put negativity on her self improvement as she gets physically healthier as you are clearly threatened by it.
Figure our what exactly is causing the insecurities within yourself, and talk to her about it, address things as they come up so that there isnt a big overwhelming list..
Stay off Reddit. I think it’s brene brown who had a podcast of “the stories we tell ourselves.” Your creating false narratives in your head from here. At least that’s what I think.
Let’s tie this all together for you. I don’t get jealous and it’s because I figured out something a long time ago. If someone doesn’t want to be with me, let them go and I’ll find the person who DOES want to be with me.
It also helped that I was into dancing in my 20’s and 30’s. Mostly country and swing dancing. That meant that when my wife and I went dancing, we danced with many other people all night. No matter who we danced with, we went home together and happy. Our rules were simple. First and last dance together and all slow dances together. Otherwise, dance and have fun with whoever asks. This helped us develop trust in each other and it helped us value ourselves. We both knew that we had much to offer in a relationship, but more importantly, we were happy together.
What does that mean for you? Learn to watch your wife be happy and know that you don’t have the be the source of every ounce of happiness. Just allow her to be herself and appreciate her life that includes you as her husband.
Know that you cannot be the source of every ounce of happiness for her, but you can be the extinguisher. Too many times, a jealous partner puts out happiness trying to be the only source of happiness. That is why it’s so destructive.
Yes, see a therapist, but know it’s a long process to fix. Don’t destroy your marriage in the meantime. Yes, jealousy comes from your own insecurities, but knowing that doesn’t give you the map forward. No, don’t overload your wife talking about your insecurities. Yes, talk to her to tell her that you love her, and trust her. Tell her that you are getting the help you need to keep your marriage happy.
Accept that she married you not because she had no other choices. She married you because she wanted to. Keep being the person she fell in love with and you’ll be fine.
Work on getting rid of those false beliefs that you’re not enough.
>I try to ignore the thoughts and just let it be but it gets to me so much that I have to confront her about it.
Don’t you think it’s interesting that when you worry about it, you confront her, instead of going out of your way to treat her better and make her feel more special so that you don’t have a reason to worry?
Has there been a change in her behavior. Coming home late. Cut you off in the bedroom. Or any other behavior that is different from how she used to treat you. Maybe your thoughts are unfounded or maybe it’s your gut telling you something is wrong. But you cannot confront her without any proof. So if there is no proof then you may need to seek therapy. But do not ignore your gut.
Married couples should not DM others of the opposite sex if it threatens the marriage bond. It’s the things you can’t see that cause the rumination. If she is talking to other men, she should include you. Same for you. Eliminate all areas that cause insecurity. It could be that lifestyle changes lead you to believe she will leave you because she looks better. Remember she married you for your heart and love you give to her. That hasn’t changed.