I (33F) have been married to my spouse (34M) for 6 years. We have been together 15 years total. We met very young, which had it’s good and bad points. My husband has ADHD and was diagnosed as a kid. He has a very strong grasp on self discipline and is not medicated. Aside from his inability to pay attention for too long you wouldn’t really think he has ADHD. He does not fight with ADHD the way I do. I have known I was “different” my whole life. Looking back on my childhood after my diagnosis at 31, it all made so much sense. I have to be medicated and I fight for my life every day. There’s always a new screw up. There’s always something I have forgotten. My husband has an amazing work ethic, he can save money like it’s his entire life’s purpose (which it basically is), and he has lots of hobbies and goals. I on the other hand have held onto my job by the skin of my teeth. I have been an alcoholic and had a shopping addiction which drove me to accumulate $30K in credit card debt as well as $30k in student loans for my Bachelor’s. I went through a consumer proposal in order to cut down my credit card amount, pay a monthly sum with no interest and I had my student loans forgiven. I can’t be put on a mortgage, I don’t qualify for another 4 years. I have a very hard time saving money. I have gained and lost weight. I have little to no hobbies and little to no friends. My husband is a very social person, he is warm and friendly and has lots of friends. I struggle with rejection sensitivity so strongly that I can fly off the handles at the smallest comment. My husband is organized and likes communication. I find it hard to open up and share my true feelings without being a babbling bubbling cry baby. What I guess I am trying to get to is that we seem like we are worlds apart right now. We both have a clear vision of where we want to be, but we can’t seem to meet eachother on the path. I love my husband so deeply and it kills me to know my carelss actions have hurt him in the past, but I am afraid I am just going to keep screwing up and keep hurting him. We have come to a point where he just resents me. He doesn’t trust me. I don’t blame him, I can see how I have been a total POS our entire relationship. It has taken me until now to realise how much I have to change, and I am changing evey day. But it feels like it’s too late. I do everything I can to make sure he feels loved – I do all of the “domestic” chores even though I work full time. I never decline sex. He does what he wants when he wants. I have been putting my needs second for our entire relationship and this is where my boiling point is. I know words without action mean nothing. How can he trust that *now* I can change without *seeing* the change? It hurts me so much to know that he resents me now, and I have fought so much to prove myself even though I keep failing. I’m sick of crying myself to sleep. I’m sick of feeling like a waste of space. So many times my husband makes comments about how I have no friends and no hobbies. So many times he has commented on how I am putting him into debt, how I have gained weight, how I don’t do “anything”. He has mentioned the idea of divorce a few times.
I am constantly at war with myself. I feel so done. I’m so utterly exhausted. I don’t know how to make anything better.
1 comment
So much to unpack here. At some points, this reads like a competition between you and your husband (“he has a better handle of his ADHD, whereas I need to be medicated” — paraphrasing here), and then there’s a gripe about doing all of the chores around the house on top of working and never declining sex while your husband “does what he wants when he wants”…and then the self-criticism and his threats of divorce.
Even from the way you’ve written this, I get that you’re exhausted. Who wouldn’t be? But seriously, it seems like you’ve been carrying 15 years of guilt and resentment…when you mention his work ethic, his being on top of things, it reads like they’re actually negatives. Have you two never reconciled any of these things, or is it you who’s hanging onto all the negative parts of the relationship? No marriage can survive on negativity alone. Nothing good can happen if all he does is blame you, and all you do is wallow in guilt and shame.
And honestly, I don’t know how any human can pull off takin care of all the housework on top of a job while managing themselves…and still have the energy for intimacy. The only reason why he can complain about you not having many friends is because you’ve afforded him the time to have some. You might overeat because you’re so tired of taking care of the household. You’re resorting to blaming yourself because the narrative is constantly about your problems and not your shortcomings as a married couple. If he wants you to have friends, can the chores be divvied up so you both have time for yourselves? Same thing if he wants you to have hobbies. If your financial situation is on-going but you’re handling it, is there any way for you two to come up with a plan so it doesn’t happen again?
Don’t cope using addiction, or self-pity, guilt and blame. If you two want to keep your marriage, start by resolving the long-standing emotional barriers and habits that are overly unfair and taxing. Get a therapist to help you two come to a fair setup…tbh, the mental gymnastics that keep you slaving away are very concerning here.