My husband and I have been married for 7 years.
We weren’t close but we were in the same group of friends in college, we ended up having sex one night and I got pregnant. My husband said that he would take care of the baby but my parents forced me to get married and he accepted.
My husband and I at that time went to live with my in-laws, they were not so nice to me. I had to leave university because I had to help at home with the chores. My husband worked and studied at the same time.
With my husband, after we felt comfortable with each other we started treating each other like husband and wife, calling each other “honey, love” and things like that.
I was stupid and got pregnant quickly, again. After so much trouble with his parents we went to live in a small apartment.
Now, I have a 7 year old girl and a 6 year old boy. My husband has a good job and earns quite well. We are living in a large apartment but were planning to move into a house early next year.
Intimacy with my husband has been dead for almost a year and a half since he “arrives late and/or very tired from work.” Besides, about 6 months ago he was promoted at work and he has to travel from time to time.
He left his Facebook on his laptop and I checked it and he has been having an affair with a coworker. I don’t know for how long exactly since he only has conversations from about three weeks ago, so I guess he deletes the conversations.
I sent the evidence to my email and that night I told him. I also told my husband that if he wanted to be with someone else why he didn’t just ask me for a divorce.
My husband started making meaningless excuses and he ended up saying that he didn’t want to separate, that he didn’t want to lose his family. He said this was happening for 2 years.
I told him that this was something he had to think about before being unfaithful, and that I wanted a divorce. We haven’t talked since, that was a week and a half ago. He is avoiding me from bringing up the topic of divorce or cheating I guess.
But I think that now I am regretting the divorce because if we separate I have nothing…, I have no university studies, I have never worked so my work experience is zero, I have savings that are left over from my monthly expenses but it is not much even though I manage correctly.
Should I go ahead with the divorce? My children are in school now so there are more expenses to cover. I can’t complain about my husband in this regard, technically the only problem is that he was unfaithful.
Besides, I think I really understand, because we wouldn’t be together if it weren’t for me getting pregnant. And the fact that we “behave like husband and wife” does not make the fact that he has to love me or cherish me as anything more than the mother of his children.
The only thing I don’t understand is why he doesn’t want a divorce.
What I do? Do I suggest some kind of Co-parenting relationship or something? I guess he doesn’t want to have to spend less time with the kids or something.
30 comments
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It doesn’t sound like your husband is making any efforts to reconcile?
Sure you lack work experience. But you’re still young. It’s not too late to try and make a good life for yourself rather than to settle for a unfaithful husband at this age.
Well if you are the primary caregiver to the children he will have to pay child support and depending where you live spousal support. Maybe that’s why he doesn’t want a divorce? I personally could never get past cheating, but that’s really up to you… some people find it easier than others. I’m sorry this happened to you.
It doesn’t actually seem like you have a marriage. He’s made a schedule where he doesn’t have to spend any time with you, and you don’t have a sexual relationship or intimacy. He’s using you for the benefits of having a full time manager of the children and household. Obviously your marriage is over, so you can either divorce now, or just use him back while you get yourself set up. Your kids are in school, so start back on your studies, or find a job to start getting some work experience. You know this relationship is already over, so rather than focus on the details of that, focus on what you need to do for yourself given your future as a single mother. After you’ve taken care of yourself, you can deal with the divorce legalities.
Go talk to a lawyer and see what your rights are.
You left college to be a housewife, wtf?
To be honest, you can’t leave him now even if you wanted to,you simply can’t afford it.
You need to making an exit plan.
Start saving more money, maybe also start taking classes to assist in your education.
Give yourself a timeline,maybe a year.
Live with him like roommates,he obviously made time for his affair partner but was always to tired for you,his wife.
Plus you don’t want to get an STI,so maybe sex will remain out of the equation.
And all of this will work because he has been avoiding you in hopes that you will eventually forget, so act like you’ve forgotten.
He’ll probably love bomb you,in the time that he’s doing that,this may be a good time to get extra money to add to your savings.
I hope it all works out for you.
Go to a lawyer and talk with him about your options. Your husband is quite young as well and my guess is, that you won’t receive much support at this point. Many woman don’t leave immediately, because of finances. My advice is, if leaving right now isn’t possible, that you go for the long run. He cheated for 2 whole years and didn’t support you much. He made you dependent on him, while playing you all the way through. It’s your turn now. He has to do much more at home and you need to finish your degree. That’s the most important part. A degree is priceless. It is your entry ticket to every job that’s above minimum wage. Than you need to find a good job with good working conditions like home office and flexible hours. Put money aside as an emergency fund in case he takes off. Don’t sleep with your husband without protection anymore. Your health is important.
I think this decision is so hard for you because it sounds like you never took a decision on a major milestone on your own. A one night stand decided/convinced you that you’re going through pregnancy. Your parents, in your own words, forced you to get married. In-laws forced you to quit school. Like… wtf?
Stop pleasing the people around you (or avoiding ruffling feathers, I dunno what drives you) and start taking matters into your own hands. Finish your degree or get a job? File for divorce if you can get sufficient support from him? Start taking steps towards being an independent adult now.
I know it feels hard to start studying again, but that’s your lifeline: education. Just do it. You’re still young and can make an interesting life for yourself. Your husband has to pay child support no matter what.
Contact a lawyer and see how divorce looks for you.
If you stay ask a lawyer about making him sign a postnuptial agreement with an infidelity to protect you and your kids.
Simple move on.
You are still young
He’s been cheating for 2 years.
Your marriage is over, it doesn’t sound like there’s any love there.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. You need to start planning for your exit.
Don’t divorce him until you can hold yourself up.
That means having savings, studies and a job a lined up.
Work on yourself and get out of there asap. You can do better.
I’m very impressed by your thinking. The best would be no divorce and continue the way you have been. This helps you and the children.
Now that your husband knows you know about the affair, he will be thinking that you are going to be seeking companionship from someone else.
Your husband is talking about not wanting to loose his family, not not wanting to loose you. I believe relationships can survive infidelity but not unless the two ppl actually want to be together – irrespective of family or money. Neither of you actually want to be with the other, you never actually wanted to be together. Accidental pregnancies are not a solid foundation to build a marriage.
You are only 27. You can still go back to school and have a career. You can be with someone who wants to be with you, not someone who is only with you because of a broken condom. Talk to your husband about how to co-parent amicably, figure out a custody agreement that will allow you to return to school and get at least a part time job.
It was wrong of your parents to push you both into this marriage.
Well you could always just stay married while you finish school and get your life back in track. Also I would start squirreling away money now.
I think a lot of people are too quick to end things once they find out their partner is cheating. I’m not saying it isn’t a horrible breach of trust and the marriage is thriving. I am saying that it’s the time to get as sneaky as your spouse and plan the best exit you can on the DL.
Talk to lawyers. Hire a PI or pick a lawyer and get a PI through them. Doucument everything. Get cameras and put a tracker in his car so you can prove exactly how often he’s been with her. He might even have a child with her you don’t know about. He is in a serious relationship with someone who is not his wife. The more you can prove, the more you can take him for. He can end up paying for everything, the house, the bills, the kids’ school, and YOUR schooling because you are now not valuable for the workforce, plus child support. Make no makestake, there were no “late nights/early mornings for work”, it was just him choosing to spend time with another woman, another family after two years. He is in love with her, in a way he is not in love with you. You will not end this marriage with nothing, show him how smart you are.
He has to travel now with the promotion? Bet those are trips with the mistress. Seeing that you were forced into marriage by your parents and his family were mean to you, I am wondering if you are Conservative “Christians.” Because that is going to have an impact on how to proceed.
You can most likely get spousal support and child support for sure. He did this for 2 years- that’s a long time. Instead of working on the marriage with you he chose to spend time with this coworker and not only that he left you sexless and neglected. You know what you need to do. You got this girl.
Since you’ve been a sahm, there’s a term called “alimony” or/and spousal support and you’ve been married long enough that you can receive some sort of spousal support plus child support (assuming kids are going to live with you). You really need to research and get a lawyer for yourself. Since you’re a SAHM, you can even try and get your stbx to pay for your legal bills too. Idk where you are though.
How about your parents? Will they support you? You can move back in with them.
He doesn’t want a divorce because divorces are always looked down on in many societies. Plus the cause of the divorce is clearly his. Because this is due to his infidelity. Also, if you’ve been a full time sahm, you’ve been supporting him with your time and labor, making life easier for him at home, by keeping house and raising the children. Divorce can disrupt that dynamic. Now he may have to ask his parents to watch over the children (if they can) or even pay other people to look after the children when the children are at his place. Now he also has to do household chores if in the past, he can easily rely on you for this. His AP may be modern enough that he’s not certain he can accept it. Plus you may be a good wife/partner for him too, you’re supportive, kind, loving, etc, losing that is a blow. You added good things into his life instead of making him miserable.
He’s the one who’s making the big mistake that’s why he wants to have his cake and eat it too.
If you are interested in working the relationship/not getting divorce. He has to move to another job, no more contact with AP, he has to show you every conversation (be transparent) and get into marriage counseling. That’s the least he can do if he wants to keep you and the kids in one family unit. Otherwise, I’d say you should consider finding a lawyer, getting some sort of co-parenting relationship in different households, and get your alimony plus child support. And, since kids are already going to school, girl, go back to school, finish your degree. After a couple of years, you can entertain being a career woman too.
Good luck.
Are you actually in love with your husband? I would stay with him and finish your degree and start working first.
You’re 27 years old. You can start again. You’re in a loveless marriage and he’s putting your health in danger. Two years is sick. I left my marriage in my 30s after being together since young teens and was terrified. Everyday I got stronger and it’s the best thing I ever did. You can build a life for yourself. Your husband will have to help with costs so don’t worry. Get a lawyer and do not sleep with him incase he gives you an std. You can do it. Its not easy but so worth it. Imagine the feeling of standing on your own two feet independent, you don’t have to rely on someone else. Then maybe down the line meet someone who cherishes you, loves you and you love them. Look in your area for community supports and build a great network around you. You can do it
Never suggest anything if you haven’t clearly thought about the impact. Now that you have and understand what your path looks like, follow through by buying yourself time to get your degree or solid employment.
He’s been unfaithful? As far as I can see you never actually loved each other .
Technically he cheated yes but have you ever been a real couple?
Don’t divorce, keep going and find yourself a FWB.
That’s how a LOT of married couples do nowadays
Yes, but plan it carefully. Don’t jump into divorce until you’re financially prepared.
Go get training if it will help you into a better career. Go get a job. Open your own private bank account at a different bank, and funnel your paycheck into it. When you’ve built up an emergency fund, proceed with the divorce. Be sure your divorce lawyer gets your fair share of the marital assets, and full child support.
Until you’re able to support yourself, live with your husband as a roommate only. No more sex. You can’t afford another child and you don’t want to catch a STD. Go get tested for STDs right now.
Get tested for STDs and make him wear condoms.
You talk to a divorce attorney TODAY. Look at all your financials, all your debt. Check your credit score.
It doesn’t matter why he doesn’t want a divorce (although I have theories), what matters is what you want.
Depending on your jurisdiction, you’ll be asking for child support and spousal support/alimony. Some states limit spousal support over time so you have time to finish studies or find a job or whatever you need to do to establish your independence.
Don’t passively float through this. If you truly want to divorce, take steps to learn your options and rights.
You are just 27 yrs old, you’re super young, you can get you life back so easily!
He doesn’t want a divorce for two reasons. 1. He doesn’t want to lose his kids, (men usually do), and 2. He doesn’t want to lose his wealth. You said he just got a new job and this is a perfect example of why alimony and child support exist.
Even if you decide to tough it out and stay together, you need to find a way to speak to a lawyer to learn what options you have in your state and how much financial support you can expect.
It doesn’t even sound like he’s planning to stop the affair. Are you really willing to waste the rest of your life like that?
Get a lawyer and start the divorce.