For context, we’re both a strictly no intimacy before marriage couple, and have been together for 3 years. While normally I wouldn’t have minded a partner who’s been in relationships before, I was told that she had never been with anyone. Recently when we went for dinner with her parents, the topic was brought up on how I was the nicest partner she’s ever had around them and they’re glad she’s finally settling down with someone. This caught me off guard as she had told me she’d never dated before. We returned home and I let the thought sit for a few days before finally confronting her on it. She ended up admitting that’s she’s had multiple partners and even been intimate with them. I feel like all trust is just broken as she lied to me when we first started dating. She claims none of that matters as what we have is special now but I’m at a loss. Is there any way to salvage trust and rebuild the relationship?
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I believe that lying is a red flag. It shows truth is not one of her values.
And keeping secrets after 3 years of relationship shows how long she can keep lies without remorses…
But just to be sure; did you clearly asked her if she had other partners or boyfriends? Or you just assumed?
Sorry, but I don’t think there is a happy ending for you in this situation. Your fiance lied about something as important as premarital sex with other men and now expects you to be OK with it. This is a foreshadowing of your future together, in which you will never know when she is lying about something important. Whenever she is away from you and something even slightly suspicious occurs in her actions or behavior, you will remember this lie and be haunted by unknowns and doubts. That is no way to live and there is no way for her to repair this damage sufficient for you to fully trust her again.
Nah dawg – the lies ruined it… you won’t trust anything she says now.
There is no way to salvage this, she had 3 years to say something and she never did. The only reason you found out about her past is from the comment the parents made, if they didn’t say something she would of never said anything. Any relationship is based on communication, trust and respect and from what you have said there is none of these in this relationship.
find someone that’s 60 and has waited their whole life for you, 25M, never in a relationship. their grandpa, from the grave, will ask you at the altar “my new son in law, I’d like to confirm you are still a virgin” and you will cry and cry.
enjoy.
Are you religious? Because otherwise I cannot explain how you could deduce a 32 yo woman had no past, even if she told you so. Come on. Of course she had a life before you. I am sorry you have been lied to, that is not nice, but I think you should have assumed that was suspicious not having a relationship before this one. I understand this can be a deal breaker for you because of mistrust, I think you should consider how strong your relationship is and if you can past this. Good luck.
Nope. She’s probably lied about a bunch of other shit as well, this is just the thing you happened to find out about.
No. Your relationship is built on a lie.
A house built on sand will collapse. Your foundation is crumbling. It’s over.
When a glass vase breaks, you can glue it back together…but it will never be the same and the cracks will show. The same goes for relationships. This person deceived you for 3 years. She thought you didn’t deserve to know the truth. Can you really trust her again after this? You deserve someone who thinks highly enough about you that they would never do something where they can lose you. Break up with this girl and show her that you respect yourself enough to not put up with her disrespect.
This relationship is over but I’m not sure you’re actually ready to have a grown up relationship.
It’s astounding, the effectiveness of religious brainwashing. And to imagine that an even remotely attractive woman would make it to 32 years of age without intimacy – come on, now
Pal she hiding probably a few dozen dicks she ridden. She’s 32. You got played. Played big time. You w a lying Jezebel
rebuild the relationship? on a shaky foundation? nah
you can be religious, but I think her interpretation is different from yours. what will really mess with your head is what was it about the other guys that she was willing to share her body with before she came across you. If she had known you in her past when she had partners do you think she would of given you a chance? The way i see it, she doesn’t think you are a risk but a safe choice. She took advantage of that because you’re religious and have conviction.
If she found God and religion after her partners then thats ok. but why lie? Her age suggests she was looking to settle down and she found her nice guy to do it with. can you reconcile that?
my wife was religious when we met, mennonite. We were upfront with each other and she accepted that i had partners and a past. She was able to reconcile that, your fiance robbed you of that choice. At the end of the day, at least you know now before you tied the knot
It’s a red flag because she had years to tell you. She didn’t tell you on her own, she only did when caught.
Grow a backbone and ditch her.
Do you want to take a chance and invest more years into the relationship knowing this . Or end things now and cut your losses.
Yeah they’ll do that
She lied to you to trap you into a relationship. She is untrustworthy. Her response said enough. What else is she lying about. She was intimate with them, but not with you, what does that say
Listen, I am all for waiting to have sex until married, but she is the one screwing around.
No. There’s no getting around that this woman lied to you and continued lying to you for 3 years. So when you married her was she going to hide all this until your wedding night? Was she going to get a surgeon to make her a re-born virgin?
Your whole relationship is based on a lie, and not a small one.
Sorry dude, she knew you are young and no experience so she knows the tricks to get away with or hid things. Plus she knew you wouldn’t know she’s not a virgin because you are one. She hid things and lied for the entire relationship. So could you even call this a relationship or someone getting conned? Since she never was the person you thought she was.
I love that , none of that matters what we have is special
Yeh , clearly not special enough to be truthful
Like , trust , who needs it
Just move on , she is too blind to even know how she fucked up.
Leave her..
OP, here’s a different take.
She met you and realized you are different. She wanted to be with you emotionally. However, she realized that she was embarrassed by her past and has a very hard time forgiving herself for that past.
What’s worse is she believed rightly or wrongly that you could never forgive her past. Yet, you are the man she wants so much so that she’s willing to do everything to keep you.
Take that for something to consider and start a conversation.
Did she explain why she lied? Ask her.
It is a big deal to lie about this. Is she remorseful?
You need to ask yourself first of all of the true her is someone you could still want to be with. Secondly, you need to decide if she deserves to be trusted and forgiven for lying.
I think that if she has genuine remorse for lying to you and if she can explain herself in a way you can accept, then there is a possibility for things moving forward. She needs to earn your trust though and if she isn’t showing true remorse for lying then I wouldn’t bother
There are people who make mistakes and want to fix them, and there are people who simply do what they need to get what they want. In my experience, the former will show genuine remorse and be able to and WANT to explain why they made this mistake. The latter may fake remorse or may just be defensive, but their selfishness should shine through if you’re perceptive and ask enough questions. Does she seem like someone who desperately wants to redeem herself as a good person or does she seem like someone who wants to get what she wants?
Regardless of remorse, everyone has a limit for what they can accept and forgive. That’s up to you, but please don’t stay with her if she isn’t trying her best to redeem herself and earn your trust.
lol it’s the “I’m ready to settle down now”
UpdateMe!
None. Once trust is gone, it’s gone.
Breakup now or divorce later. Your choice
If she hadn’t lied to you, you wouldn’t have given her a chance. If you toss three years over her having past relationships, well ok, but good luck out there.
You don’t trust her and you will never trust her. And every time y’all have a disagreement this will come to the forefront. She had 3 years to tell you the truth and she never did you would not even have this information had it not been for her parents. She’s a liar and she’s deceitful
UpdateMe!
She was ashamed and afraid you’d reject her ID she told you the truth. This is one of many issues with abstinence education (“purity culture” in religious circles). She kept it secret out of fear, which was worse than telling at the start. She can’t undo that now, but this lie is a pretty big one. At the least it means you shouldn’t get married anytime soon. Can this be fixed? I don’t know, but it’s symptomatic off bigger issues. My advice is to step back and decide if you love her and want to continue the relationship. If so, give it time but also go to counseling with her. Huge red flag. But understand she’s also a victim of this horrible teaching about sex that religion often teaches. Been there….
Seems like realistically you two just aren’t compatible. You say you’re both “a strictly no intimacy before marriage couple,” but that appears to not be the case though for her.
There’s nothing wrong about having relationships, but purposefully lying about them for years is a bit of a flag.
When you say no intimacy before marriage, what does this entail? No hand holding, no kissing, no spooning at night time in the same bed, no make out sessions?
And for 3 yrs? – Dude, you need to test drive the car before buying it.
A lie as significant in meaning as this is difficult to salvage or come back from. If she could lie about this, what else has she lied about or is she willing to lie about? The reason these situations are difficult to salvage is that you would forever wonder what’s true and what’s not. It’s even worse you didn’t find out the truth from your fiancé herself; it’s an accident that you found out, really. Divine intervention maybe.
Do I personally think it’s a big deal if a 32 y/o person has been with other people before? Not at all. It’s more the fact that this is something you clearly value, she knew that; yet she lied to you for three years about it and you wouldn’t have found the truth from her
Trust is the bedrock of a relationship, once broken it is almost impossible to restore. Her lies are not white, they are a massive attempt to manipulate you for her benefit. Don’t marry her.