Basically your SOs were like cats, aloof, independent, volatile and sometimes plain mean, and to win the trust and love of a cat is considered an achievement. Similarly, men who have earned the trust and love of their SOs and become the most important person of their life, what’s your story?

24 comments

  3. I’d have time for an answer except I’ve been thanking my wife for scolding me over not folding the dish towels in the correct order.

    In a word? Groveling.

  4. Wtf? I know this is askmen, but I feel a woman’s voice is needed here. If a woman is acting aloof, independent, volatile and just plain mean to you LEAVE HER ALONE! SHE DOESN’T LIKE YOU!

  8. The woman you should marry is like the cat that came up to you and chose you as it’s human with no coaxing or luring with treats.

  11. Love isn’t earned. Anyone who makes you feel like you have to earn it is not your person. She sounds toxic, whomever she is. Best thing to do would be to let her go and find someone who has already done the work to heal their inner wounds.

    Edited for a different perspective:

    All of what I said above…OR … you could be someone who needs to accept and respect her no and move on. Maybe she’s not really volatile, but more so, standing her ground and implementing her boundaries… which you absolutely should respect.

  13. If you need to convince your SO to be with you then she’s not that into you and she’s likely feels as though she “settled” on you which never ends well in the end, it generally ends with her taking you for granted and cheating on you with someone that she’s actually attracted to, or leaving you for someone else…

    imagine being married to someone who views you as “someone i settle on” and not someone she had a burning desire for, she’s always going to have wandering eyes and think “What it” if she doesn’t have that burning desire for you

  14. You shouldn’t have to earn your SO’s love however I feel like there’s exceptions to that when there’s been broken trust, emotional pain or any internal pain being held on to by your partner. You “earn” by being willing and wanting to genuinely love and care for the person (no matter what) and in time you’ll know whether or not they will reciprocate that love toward you and find you to be someone worth respecting. A partner in a long term committed relationship truthfully wants to see your tenacity and how you’re able to brave the tough times with them, thing like if you’ll be loving or manipulating when you’re angry, will you yell and slam things or be willing to talk through it?, etc. if you can do the hardships with them they will feel like they can take on the world with you and nothing will get in the way of that.

  17. I have never found in my 50+ years that you earn anything with women. Any insecurities they have, any concerns, are never satisfied with proof of performance. The tank is always empty.

  18. I wouldn’t say I had to “earn” her love, but I did have to win her heart all over again.

    I broke up with her during our college days. I was young, dumb, and distance played a part. I was her “Prince Charming”, the love of her life. We went our separate ways, married others (horrible marriages), and had no contact with each other.

    Fast forward 20 years. One day I got an email from her out of the blue. She was getting out of an abusive marriage and had some questions for me before moving on. She wanted to “close some open doors” and asked if I ever really cared for her years ago. I told her I did, I just didn’t realize what I had at the time. She thanked me and we continued to email back and forth for a month or so. Our communication was so easy and natural. I developed feelings again and realized I would never find someone I would adore (and be adored by) like her.

    One day I asked if she would consider a relationship with me again. She turned me down. Told me that I had hurt her so much in the past that she couldn’t risk giving me her heart again. I told her that over the years I had changed for the better, matured, and grown up. She turned me down again. Now MY heart was broken.

    I told her it was time to move on from me then, that the type of relationship we had rekindled hurt too much without taking the next step. I wished her the very best, hoped she would find that special someone who would treat her like a queen, and that she would always have a special place in my heart. That seemed to trigger her. The fact that I had such unconditional love for her wellbeing even though I would not be a part of her life, pushed her over the edge. I won her heart.

    She made me promise that I wouldn’t die before her because she didn’t want to live another day without me in her life. I would laugh when she would say that, but she was serious. Then one day she got sick. Then one day she passed away. Cancer is a bitch!! It’s been 20 years since she has been gone. Although I have moved on with my life, I think of her fondly and feel robbed. She used to say that she was lucky to have me back in her life, but in reality, I was the lucky one. Miss ya babe.

  19. Aloof, volatile, sometimes plain mean? I wouldn’t have a pet like that, why would I have a full blown human relationship like that?

  20. Sometimes good guys win. My sister is independent but not aloof, volatile or mean. She had her eye on a good-looking, outgoing, well-to-do guy…in a word, flashy and had just started dating him. Can’t blame her too much because we all look first at seemingly attractive options. My brother in law, was just a friend in her classes and very much not flashy, just average in those things.

    But when my sister got sick, needed an operation and time to recover afterwards, Mr Flashy offered his condolences but was not to be seen otherwise. Meanwhile, future 110% reliable good-guy BIL brought her food, notes from classes she missed and did chores for her while she was recuperating. That made a huge impression. You already know which one she ended up with.

  21. Life is not a shitty romcom. If you gotta earn that love, expect to be working for it alot and a sexless marriage in the end. Relationships are work on both ends, though if you are staying fit and taking care of yourself, the one you are with shouldn’t have to be won over. Whoever this girl is… just move on.

  22. I just be me. If that’s good enough then that’s how. If it’s not good enough then I don’t waste my time.

    Love isn’t really something you “earn”, it’s an emotion that’ll either happen or it won’t. If you try and force it then it’s not real.

  23. I don’t have to earn shit. She loves me because of who I am and how I treat her. If you’re out here “earning” someone’s love, then that shit’s conditional.

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