So I (F28) have been seeing this guy (M35) for about 7 months. It started out just Fwb but we decided to make it official like 2 months ago. From the beginning he was very upfront that he cannot cum from another person stimulating him, any way: Bjs, sex, handjob whatever. He says this stuff feels great and he likes to do it but can’t finish like that. So he usually finishes on his own.
So at first I thought this was a little odd (I have not been with someone like that before) but I saw a lot of posts on here about deathgrip and getting used to a particular sensation etc so I understood a bit better. Since we were not actually dating I decided that “whatever, the sex is good and if he is fine with it”.
But….now we are exclusive and it really is starting to get in my head. I find myself being frustrated and kinda not wanting to initiate anything. Like, I don’t want him to do me the ‘favor’ of having sex with me lol. Clearly he doesn’t really enjoy it like I do. Idk, I really like him a lot he is great in so many ways but him not being as ‘enthusiastic’ as me for sex is a real bummer. I even am starting to not feel that attractive.
Just to add, he does initiate sex, not nearly as often as me, and it does seem like he is enjoying it. But I mean I can also pretend to enjoy sex too lol. BTW having a lot more sympathy for the dudes on here whose wives are not interested in having sex really lol
I guess my question is, should I try to address this or just accept that we aren’t sexually compatible and break up? He has never expressed any interest in trying to address it. Though I have not really said how much it bothers me either. I do think he has noticed that I am not initiating often or seem ‘off’ but he hasn’t said anything.
3 comments
He was clear with you ahead of time. He does initiate. He doesn’t say he doesn’t enjoy it. I say this with total sympathy, but please stop projecting your insecurities onto someone who has given you no (according to this post) actual reason to feel this way. If you don’t like the guy for other reasons, by all means leave him.
Edit* have you had a discussion about his initiating specifically?
It was the same with my current boyfriend, but I told him how I was feeling and adressed the issue. He’s stopped masturbating as much and it’s really helped and now I csn make him come. Just be honest
If you start initiating less without telling him why, he is going to feel hurt and confused. Your solutions are to (a) tell him why, (b) resolve the issue, or (c) break up with him.
(a) isn’t fair to him. You went into this relationship knowing it, and it’s not something he can readily change or he doubtless already would have. This would hurt him without accomplishing much.
(b) is tricky. You need to ask if it’s something he wants to try to change and, if so, what he’d like to try. It’s important that you express that you’re open to it without pressuring him, which is hard to do when you do in fact want to pressure him.
(c) is an option. If you’re not sexually compatible with him, then you should find someone you are compatible with and give him the freedom to find someone who is compatible with him.
I’ve had a few partners who struggled to orgasm during partnered sex. Some of them weren’t interested in trying to fix it, so I took them at their word that they enjoyed our sex and didn’t try to change them. Some wanted to try XYZ, so we tried XYZ and it worked or didn’t. Some found with time (or toys or THC) that orgasming during sex was possible and eventually came to expect it every time. All are okay.
If it helps, it’s clearly not any fault of yours. He’s had this difficulty for a long time and is aware of it enough to be upfront about it. I hope that you can trust that he enjoys sex even if he doesn’t orgasm or grunt or pass out or ask for it every day or whatever other sign you’d prefer. If you can trust that he does very much enjoy it, then your concerns might be resolved without you having to change him.