Is it unreasonable/shallow to think lack of fitness is a dealbreaker?

46 comments

1. It’s unreasonable only if you’re unfit yourself

2. No it’s not unreasonable to have standards.

   But you can also try it and see if it still bothers you. It’s similar to dating someone who is unmotivated when you are out there trying to be your best self. It will build resentment on both sides.

3. I would say it depends on what your idea of fitness is.

   There are plenty of people of either sex who are healthy but don’t have gym bodies, who are happy to be active but don’t have it as a routine.

   I think if your standards are higher than that then it is going to be very limiting. Especially as maintaining a gym fit body takes a time commitment that a relationship would normally eat into; thus presumably making it harder for them to maintain that level of fitness.

4. You are free to want what you want. Just be open about it from the start. There are plenty of people who work out. The only pressure on you should come if your standards are too high for anyone to meet them, because then you won’t find anyone to date.

5. It’s not shallower than my refusal to date people who bite their nails. On the other hand, if this is the one big thing that keeps sabotaging relationships you were otherwise happy with, it might be worthwhile to see if you can stop focusing on it.

6. If you like to be physically active outdoors, dating someone that doesn’t enjoy being active will very likely make you less-active. It’s like having a partner with a wildly lower libido – they are going to be setting the pace. Or you leave them behind so that’s time you need to find outside the relationship.

   If you’re just talking about maintaining a gym habit you can probably manage that more-easily independently of a partner’s choices.

7. No i don’t think it is. Its like saying its shallow to want your partner to take care of his appearance i think everyone wants that. Lets be honest appearance might not be the most important thing but still its always the first thing we notice on someone and most of the times what makes us attracted to them. And besides that is getting along with the other person too. Like if youre fit and you like exercising while your partner is exactly the opposite the chances are that the relationship will not work out

8. Maybe broaden your definition of into fitness. If you passed on great people because they don’t workout, wonder if they were fit in other ways. Would they go on long walks that had no destination because they would want to spend time with you? Were they active in other ways?

   Don’t box your standards in so much that you do pass on amazing people.

9. I tried to be as open minded as possible when I was dating and considering life partners. I figured I couldn’t predict what package the perfect partner would be in.
   I was very fit. Very active outdoors and in the gym 5 mornings a week. It didn’t take too long for me to realize that although I liked men who were thicker, our lifestyles were incompatible. I really couldn’t bear relaxing in front of a television. Going to a movie more than once or twice a month was out of the question.
   I may be extreme but I am what I am. Look at their lifestyle and ask yourself if you can picture yourself in that.

10. It’s not. Don’t let the delusional crowd change your mind. They’ll say nonsense like “you’re missing out” 😂😂

11. What is fitness’s value to you? If that makes sense – do you want to spend time with a partner doing fitness-related things like working out or even trekking or whatever in your downtime?

    My ex played team sports and worked out every day and I never did, but that was fine because that was time to decompress/spend with his friends and we did other things together. I kept up with him when we went on walks/did more outdoorsy things on occasion so there was nothing that held us back. All that to say, it’s totally doable to make a long term relationship work without both parties being into fitness.

12. I always get downvoted talking about this but yes, not caring about fitness or overall health is a turnoff for me. Just because I struggle heavily with trying to date doesn’t mean I should drop this standard.

    I’m looking for someone long-term and I want to make sure they stay healthy long term as well.

13. If you’re into working out, it isn’t unreasonable to want a partner who shares your interests. Just like any other passion you have. I was dating a wonderful man but he’s into things like cross-country skiing and I’m clumsy and have fibromyalgia so there wasn’t a realistic way for me to participate in that with him. Since he definitely wants to spend time doing that and wanted someone to do that with, it wasn’t a match.

14. It´s not, for me it´s one of the most important dealbreakers.

    Fitness (not to be confused with bodybuiling) is essential for a healthy human beeing. It´s a sign of self worth, discipline, commitment and it´s even more about self care than applying fancy face masks a few days a week. I want my partner to be as interested in a long and healthy life together as I am. It´s even a better sign if the person isn´t particulary keen on working out (which is´n just lifting weights or running, it can be long walks, climbing…) but does it anyway because they know it´s good for them and they need it as the basis of a healthy body. I value someone who values themself as much as I value them.

15. If going to the gym is a red flag for a lot of women then not going should be a red flag for guys who are gym rats.

16. No it’s not. I went on dates with men who were into kayaking, hiking a lot, cave diving,… After the date and the talk I just realised I had to break it off cause I knew I couldn’t keep up with them and their activities. Am willing to try it out but I just know it will never be one of my hobbies and I’m a person that wants to share them and other activities with my partner.

17. I actually tend to avoid dating individuals who go to the gym quite often and feel those who are not into fitness as they are are somehow “wrong,” because even though I am fit (e-biked 200 miles last July and walk 35-60 miles per month when the weather permits) I never go to the gym and really am not exercising for fitness but because I like biking and long walks. The main reason I avoid “gym-goers” is because I never want to feel “judged” for not going to a gym or that they might want to “change” me–honestly that last bit in your post makes me pretty sure you should only date individuals similar to yourself in fitness goals as relationships should not be about changing people but growing together into better people than you are on your own–and that does change you, but not in the way you are referring to.

18. I’m into fitness and eating healthy so it would be for me.

    I’m in my 40’s and I’ve already seen in friends and family what not being healthy for decades looks like at that age. Been there, too, but clawed my way back… so I’m trying to not be that.

    I’ve dated women from late 20’s to early 30’s who proudly claimed they didn’t care, or that they’ve never been “fit” and think they still look great. Even within the year we dated they would get noticeably bigger or would fluctuate wildly if I tried getting them into it.

    What sucked is that it felt like I was getting dragged down with them and if all we were doing was eating and goofing off I’d start gaining weight too. I’d get teased for making healthy meals or going to the gym 4-5 days a week.

    Complaints when I wanted to go on a hike or an adventure park over the weekend instead of hitting a bar and stuffing our faces afterwards. Guilt-tripping me because I didn’t want to get wasted because I’d feel like shit doing my hobbies the next day.

    It’s a lifestyle compatibility issue, and it’s absolutely true that going down this path *is* a lifestyle.

    You don’t dabble in it for a few months or go half-assed and expect results to stick forever.

19. Partners don’t always have to have the same interests. You never know, they may spend their time doing something else that interests you. Personally, I would I think it’s a little silly to say no to someone just because they don’t exercises. And actually, i typically don’t like when guys want to start working-out together because that’s my space/time to focus on me.

    However, I am very active and have a lot of energy and I have called things off because they couldn’t keep up with me – including some gym bros.

    Compatibility doesn’t always look like you thought, maybe keep an open mind.

20. Firstly, the whole “body positivity” movement isn’t doing anyone any favors. Shame is often a catalyst for improvement and no matter what we as a society do someone is going to have hurt feelers about something.
    Secondly, you don’t need to apologize for your preferences. That applies to women as well as men. A healthy, fit person is both attractive as well as being likely not to have health issues and everyone should want that. It isn’t your fault or anyone’s that achieving that result is harder for some than others.
    Don’t be afraid to pursue what you want, unless what you want is somehow preventing a favorable result. Otherwise, you have two middle fingers to express how you feel to those who want to tell you that you aren’t allowed to want what you want

21. I don’t need my partner to breathe fitness. Working out helps me mentally & I’ve been doing it for years. I couldn’t be with someone who doesn’t consider working out at least once or twice a week.

22. I dont think it is, but like others said, it feels hypocritical if such a lifestyle doesn’t show itself in your looks as well.

    Also, is it specifically fitness? Or is it an active plus health-conscious lifestyle in general?

23. You can be as selective as you want. My only thought is, are you restricting your definition of ‘fitness’ to people who go to the gym? Because lots of people go hiking, biking, rock climbing, or other physical activities (for example, I cycle to my local church and do bell ringing with bells which are multiple tons, so you need to be pretty fit!) but don’t go to the gym.

24. I’m doing fitness for me, to feel better. I couldn’t care less if my s.o. is doing any kind of sports or none as long as they are happy and don’t want me stop doing mine.

25. If a healthy lifestyle is important to you why is it unreasonable to not want a partner who sits around eating pizza and is sedentary?

    Forget about how overweight ppl look- someone unfit CANT go hike, camp, swim etc etc because they lack stamina. Also wanting your partner to be strong in case there’s an emergency (if your partner is in shape and has to run a mile to get help- someone unfit can’t do it.

    Also- a woman who doesn’t take care of herself is a red flag. I say this as someone who went from 245 (I had two pregnancies back to back I was originally 125 and fit) back to 140 and was involved in a competitive sport- now I’m 185 and unfit. I wouldn’t dream of dating because I don’t take care of myself so can’t take care of a partner.

    Women who get defensive bc they are unfit and obese- don’t listen to them. Telling me I’m “beautiful and healthy at any size” is a lie and is like handing someone bricks when they are in quicksand

26. I don’t think so.

    I mean.. if I’m dating for the long run (which I am), then I’d rather that be for more than 10-20 years and not be plagued with my partner being in discomfort or being hassled with more medical appointments than average, y’know?

27. Being with a woman that I can exercise with would be a big plus. And you want a woman that is into fitness when she’s young so she doesn’t blow up when she’s older.

28. Not at all. I’m very fit and go to the gym daily, I look for that similar mindset in a partner too.

    The last guy I dated, we had met two years prior but just now dated for three months. He had gained a significant amount of weight in those two years and stopped working out. I was very attracted to him anyway so it didn’t change how I felt about him when we were dating. However he had a lot of health issues that were connected to the weight gain, and it was a big turn off to me that he didn’t take care of himself. It’s one of the reasons I ended things with us.

29. Just adding my perspective here. I’m a fat woman! Losing weight is really hard for me due to a variety of metabolic reasons, but I go to the gym and eat reasonably well. I NEED to date someone who does the same. This stuff is important for my health and if I am going to have a relationship, I need to be compatible in this aspect of our lifestyles.

30. You’re the only person who can decide your own deal breakers.

31. Take your statement about exercise helping you to be your best self and replace “exercise” with anything else people proselytize- keto, fasting, religion, meditation, etc. – do you roll your eyes? If yes, then you have your own answer about what you think about your own standard. If not, keep it and clearly define it as what you value.

32. Only if you’re not into fitness yourself. If you’re someone who is physically active, I don’t think it’s wrong to expect the folks you date do the same as well

33. In my opinion no. I’m not in the greatest shape and I don’t expect my partner to be. But I take walks and workout regularly. I also cook and eat very healthy. I would need a partner that has at least a similar care for health. I’m in it for the long term.

34. People can date whoever they want but I do find it amusing when fat women like my dating profile when I’m fit myself. Some people are delusional

35. Find someone to love and that will love you back. Unfortunately(or fortunately), ALL people change for the good or bad. This is human nature so what started off as a workout couple can easily change for one to decide later that they’re not interested anymore more. Same with you, it’s a possibility you may decide to change in your hobbies or an injury may occur to keep you from doing it again(possible, but would rather you continue your workout journey) Just saying people change, but it’s the Love that holds it together

36. Dude, no way. If you work out regularly and take care of yourself, that’s your lifestyle. Wanting someone with a similar lifestyle is the whole point of dating. Now, I will say that this will filter out 99% of the people, so definitely be prepared to date for a while. Even then, it’s better to be single than to be with the wrong person.

37. No. I’m not into fitness and have a very low stamina. I’m skinny tho.

    For me a dealbreaker would be if a guy was too much into fitness because I’m not at all.

    So I definitely understand if it’s also the other way around.

    I do want to get a little bit fitter, but I don’t want to go to the gym. So I’m waiting until I have my own apartment with an extra room so I can get a device in there and watch a TV show while training my stamina.

38. Why does it matter what the people of Reddit think?? It’s your life, your dating preferences.

39. It would be if it was just a “not being into fat girls” thing but it’s not. From what i understood turns you off because you feel they are missing something very important in their lives just out of lack of interest and that can be very frustrating to watch, so i see this as a pretty reasonable turn off, even if a “niche” one.

40. I am an extremely fit female in her 20s. I talked to my mom once about the Same thing you posted once . I kept coming across these guys who weren’t fit / healthy as I was
    I asked her if I was being unreasonable to ask for someone who is really fit

    She gave me a very practical answer . She said do you wanna take care of someone who isn’t really taking care of themselves? What are you gonna do when you’re 40 and have kids to take care of but your partner is just not fit to take care of anything? Would you be nursing them all the time or do someone for the family .

41. I go jogging from time to time(I work a lot, so don’t always have time/am too tired) and I enjoy walking by foot, which I do on a daily basis as part of my work routine. My ex was pressuring me into working out as a mutual hobby. It was very weird. I am my own person and don’t want someone to change me or to pressure me into activities. I would never date a person who is obsessed with fitness. So I guess it’s not shallow to reject people over lifestyle. As long as you don’t try to make them like fitness, you’re fine.
    Try to find people in fitness circles. Otherwise you’re doomed to always part ways.

42. Not shallow, but the “without seeing how much potential they have” is douchey. Try to change this way of viewing people, not just romantic partners, because you’re giving yourself a superiority complex when other people are just living their lives as they see fit, which they’re allowed to do. I feel like your partner is never going to be good enough for you if she’s not constantly reaching for the top in all aspects of her life, which is exhausting and perpetuating an unhealthy grind culture.

43. Definitely not unreasonable. My first serious job out of college had a huge generational divide and was great at showing the long term impact of different lifestyles. Almost everyone was either my age (younger millennials fresh out of college) or boomers about to retire. All the younger ones were generally healthy regardless of if they were fit and thin or fat and inactive just by virtue of youth. But the older ones? Those who had at least a few active hobbies and ate reasonably healthy were still active and healthy, regularly out keeping up with the grandkids, wile those that did not ever put any effort had a big list of health problems and many of them couldn’t even make it up the stairs to our 4th floor office if the elevator was down. The active group wasn’t all hard-core gym rats or otherwise super strict. There was one guy who ran ultra marathons. But for the most part they just hiked, biked, took their kids or the scout troop on activities and ate more home cooked meals. A basic level of fitness is absolutely critical for long term health and quality of life in my opinion. And it’s much easier to do with supportive people or alone than people who don’t want to live that lifestyle constantly fighting you on it.

    And I really want someone who can go hiking with me and do similarly active things. So that’s another important aspect.

44. I’m in the gym like 3 hours a day I only date gym barbies and models

45. Its a preference.

    >but I also don’t want to feel like I have to “change” a future partner to like fitness.

    Dont. U either accept them as they are or u dont. Dont date someone wanting to change them.

46. Only date women that you genuinely respect, look forward to seeing again, and like spending time with. I hope this answers your question.