My (f51) boyfriend (m51) is amazing, thoughtful, considerate, gives me kisses and attention all day long. He doesn’t have sex with me though. To begin with we had wild sex every where, he had a very full adventurous sex life before me, but after a few months it stopped. He said that he liked me to much to do that to me. I’ve told him I like it adventurous but for some reason he just can’t with me. Getting turned down and feeling like I am not enough is causing me anxiety. Everything else with us is so good, better than any previous relationship I have ever had. He says our love is what he’s dreamed of finding. I get so frustrated because I want it all!
Btw, I have asked him to share his fantasies with me and he will not. So that doesn’t make me feel any better either.
12 comments
No, it’s not. Love without sexual intimacy = really good housemate material. But that’s not what most long term romantic relationships aspire to be.
Nope,
Its a matter of personal choice – but most people require both.
For me the sex is like the glue to the relationship. Without it everything else is at risk of just crumbling around you.
The fact that he appears to just have stopped wanting sex and is now refusing to have it is highly suspicious.
“He said that he liked me to much to do that to me.” – What does this even mean?
I would be having an honest convo saying that you need to be having a sexual side to your relationship – if its something he isnt willing to provide then – Im sorry but you are now Incompatible and I would be moving on.
Is he having erection problems and doesn’t know how to deal with. Get him to the doctors. Lots of good options!
I think that I do need to be clear that this isn’t working and I need more. Sex once every 2-4 months isn’t what I want
No, love isn’t always enough. Let’s just say (I don’t actually believe this) that sex is 2% of a relationship. Well, that 2% is critical. Chimps and humans share 98% genetic makeup, but that 2% makes all the difference. So, even a small thing, which sex isn’t, can be a total game changer.
“He doesn’t have sex with me though.”
“I’ve told him I like it adventurous but for some reason he just can’t with me.”
“Getting turned down and feeling like I am not enough is causing me anxiety.”
“I have asked him to share his fantasies with me and he will not.”
Each of us is entitled to have our own mate selection screening process and *must haves list*.
Each of us is entitled to have our own “red flags” boundaries, and “deal breakers”.
Essentially, your boyfriend *stopped* doing one of things that made you fall for him.
When *we* change our circumstances change.
The only person you can control is yourself. All you can do is *ask him* for whatever you want.
If someone believes *you* are worth the effort, *they* will make the effort.
There are only two ways to experience joy and peace of mind in relationships.
We either get what we want, or we learn to be happy with what we have.
When you realize someone is *unable/unwilling* to meet your needs it’s usually best to move on.
The goal is to have a “soulmate” not a cellmate.
No one is “stuck” with anyone. Suffering is optional.
***“Never allow waiting to become a habit. Live your dreams and take risks. Life is happening now.”***― Paulo Coelho
***”Dating is primarily a numbers game…. People usually go through a lot of people to find good relationships. That’s just the way it is.”*** – Henry Cloud
Best wishes!
Have you heard of the Madonna/Whore complex?
Sounds like he has it. Now he is serious about you he doesn’t want to sexualise you. It’s a big problem. He has to overcome it mentally because you aren’t doing anything wrong.
But ultimately you loved this relationship when he was acting as he was in the beginning, HE then changed the dynamic. Over time it will leave you unsatisfied and feeling unwanted.
Have a very serious conversation, research this dynamic, tell him it isn’t just sex but goes beyond that to feeling desired and wanted, and then set clear boundaries– you would like him to work on this even if it takes sex therapy. He may or may not be able to change this mentally. Give him the chance to but be prepared to make a choice if he cannot.
>He said that he liked me to much to do that to me.
Sounds like a take on the Madonna/whore complex.
Were I you, I would tell him that doesn’t work for me. That he has a choice to address whatever’s going on in his head that makes him think he can’t fuck someone he also loves…or we could end the relationship so we can both find more compatible partners.
Nope, but keep in mind you’re on a sub called r/sex so just by the name of the sub it should be obvious what the consensus is going to be. And asking here means you probably already know this. So you’re pretty much stuck with explaining to him that you can’t live without aspect in your relationship and see if the conversation can salvage the relationship. Or just end it and look for someone that can fit all your needs.
In the face of a Madonna-Whore complex? Nah.
Do you really want to be with someone who isn’t willing to communicate with you and doesn’t take your desire’s seriously?
Everyone deserves a happy sex life