My significant other and I have been together 3 years and have a child. He has a drinking problem where when he drinks, he drinks so heavily he cannot stop. He drinks all night. He then doesn’t come home and it’s awful. This has happened dozens of times. The last time was the worst, after he was drinking I found not so innocent messages he had sent to other women and I told him if he wanted to come home to be with me and our toddler, he had to cut those people off and not drink for 60 days. He has almost made the 60 days. The issue is we have a vacation coming up. It is non refundable and I need this trip so bad. We leave in a few weeks. I don’t want him to do anything to mess up us or our family before this trip. I know this sounds weird. I can see the comments already saying (leave him if you can’t trust him) which is valid and I’m already on the verge. But I want us to go on this much needed trip as a family. So if he is going to mess up I would rather he do it after we come back and let me enjoy my PTO worry free. He told me his friend wants the hangout with him. I can understand him being stir crazy after almost 2 months in the house but after him ruining trips in the past, not being home in time to take me to my dental surgery, lying about where he is going, etc etc etc I guess I sounded less than thrilled about him wanting to go out with his friend. I don’t want to be controlling and lock him up. I want to have a normal relationship where he is a responsible person and I don’t have to worry about him leaving. After a tense phone call I’m wondering am I wrong? Am I a controlling wife? I’m just want a nice trip with no drama beforehand.
TLDR: I don’t want my SO to go out with his friend potentially ruining our upcoming trip because I can’t trust him?
28 comments
In the history of your relationship has anything with this man changed for the better?
I’ll skip over the “he’s an alcoholic” lecture.
First of all, the “almost two months in the house” comment. I mean, he can leave the house without drinking, so I don’t think that’s an accurate thing to say. I get where you were going with that, but his focus shouldn’t have just been on abstaining from alcohol. It also should have been on finding healthier things to occupy his life besides drinking. It sounds like that didn’t occur here, so he truly hasn’t made much progress.
Second of all, you need to talk to him. Tell him how you feel. I wouldn’t say “well if you screw up I’d rather it be after the vacation.” Instead, I would tell him how proud you are that he’s going on 60 days sober (he is 100% sober, right?). I would tell him that you’re looking at this vacation as an opportunity to reconnect, and if he could continue to remain sober through then, it would mean a lot to you and would do a good deal towards working back to a healthy relationship. Hopefully he is receptive. I would stay away from “don’t go out” or “don’t hang out with so and so” and restrictive things of that nature. That will only make him feel controlled and cause defensiveness.
Third, have you been arguing during this sober period? Or has your relationship improved? If it has, I would point that out. If things have been more harmonious lately, I’d let him know that there are obvious benefits to him not drinking. That it’s strengthened your relationship in tangible ways. Pointing that out may incentivize remaining sober for him. It might cause him to stop and think “wow, is getting hammered worth all of the aggravation it has caused me?” Hopefully he can see things logically.
Good luck.
You are with an alcoholic. This goes way beyond the friends he hangs out. He needs to go into treatment.
Your vacation with not be stress free. He has ruined past trips. He is going to ruin this one.
He needs to move out until he can get the help he needs.
I wouldn’t stay with someone who is an alcoholic and refuses to get help. You can’t have a normal relationship with someone in active addiction. This isn’t good your child either.
The issue is not him hanging out with a friend, it’s the alcohol.
You really think he’ll make it through the entire vacation without taking a single drink? That’s one of the most common things that people do on vacation is drink.
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I would worry less about being seen as controlling and more about his drinking problem and what he needs to do about it. He needs rehab, 12 step program, something to help him sober up and become a better person. You will not have a normal relationship with him and him be a responsible person so long as he is active in his alcoholism and such.
>I can understand him being stir crazy after almost 2 months in the house
Why has he spent two months in the house? I’m confused. You told him not to drink and not to hang out with specific people. You didn’t confine him to the house. There are lots of other things he could be doing.
>I want to have a normal relationship where he is a responsible person and I don’t have to worry about him leaving
Too bad. You can either have that kind of relationship with someone else, or you can have a shitty relationship with him. The sooner you make up your mind the better off everyone will be.
The fact that he even bothered bringing up seeing this person should tell you all you need to know about whether or not he’s serious about changing.
Sounds like you need to join a support group for family/friends of alcoholics, such as AlAnon.
The lying and drinking is the reason why you don’t want him to go. It’s his actions that broke your trust. And even if he makes the 60 days, it’s only a step towards repairing it.
But if you truly want to be with this man, you can’t lock him up to make him behave. Ask him how is he going to guarantee that he is not going to drink a single drop? If he can’t, then you have your answer. If he promises something you know he won’t keep, you know your trust is too broken to be repaired.
But he needs to make structural changes and seek professional help if he can’t stop drinking. If he does (and you want to stay with him through that & make your toddler stay through that), then you’ll have to give him the chance to prove that he can improve too.
You can tell that I’m pessimistic, but the almost 60 days is a start
I definitely don’t think you’re controlling, you’re more worried about him drinking & going into his bad habits.
It sounds like you’ve reached the level of codependency that might require AlAnon (the support group for spouses of alcoholics).
It doesn’t sound like you’re controlling but scared and desperately trying to hold all the strings together. This can be so tiring, try to do what’s best for yourself and let him live his own life if he cant get it together for you and your kid.
If he relapses, he needs to understand he has an alcohol addiction and seek out help. You and your child are not safe with a man like that. This is too much for you to handle.
You want change, he needs to want it too.
But I’m afraid for you as you will stay in this relationship hoping he changes and he doesn’t.
This isn’t going to get better unless he gets help. He needs to be in AA. Also get life 360 on yours and his phone and install cameras in the house. He’s already been unfaithful. He’s sick and if he continues down this path he’s going to get both of an std.
Al-anon family groups. Please go. There are groups you can bring your kids or do it online. But go. It will change your outlook and life.
Well.. you asked him to cut these people off and he clearly hasn’t, he just hasn’t had alcohol. I kind of feel like you’re at a crossroad where you need to decide if you can go forward with the relationship knowing he doesn’t intend to stop and this behaviour will repeat.
You can still go on the trip without him. And I know you’d prefer advice that isn’t to leave, but at this point his behaviour isn’t changed. It’s simply repressed until you let it go again.
Just go on vacation on your own… it’ll be eye opening
If your post accurately describes your SO’s behavior, you are not being controlling. You are being realistic. I don’t blame you for trying to keep him out of harm’s way. Unfortunately, it sounds like his addiction and maturity level are working against you. I would still try to hold things together for the trip, but I think that long term your relations has some significant challenges. I am guessing that the only place that he and his buddy can possibly hang out at is a bar. Otherwise he could just come visit your SO at home. It might be worthwhile to make backup plans to vacation without him.
It sounds like he has manipulated you into believing that not wanting him to get shitfaced is the same as jailing him. You are doing absolutely nothing wrong by establishing boundaries for him since he’s failed to exercise self control.
I am old. I know Things. One thing I know is that abstinence from substances FOR SOMEONE ELSE is not sustainable. If he were doing this because he thought of it and wanted to, there’s some hope. Trying to do it because someone told you to is almost never successful. I know why you’re white knuckling it to vacation, it makes emotional sense. I’m sorry that I’m telling you it’s just a matter of when, not if.
You **are** being controlling. And while it’s understandable why you’ve gotten where you are, you going about this entirely the wrong way.
You’re taking away his responsiblity from him, when you take charge of his disease and set some simple (and inadequate) conditions for “coming home”.
You should instead have set boundaries. Boundaries don’t take responsibility away from people. Instead of him merely needing to check a mark off a list (not drink for 60 days); you could have said simply “listen, you’re an alcoholic. I don’t want to be with an alcoholic, but I’m willing to be with someone who’s a recovering alcoholic for the sake of our child. Sort your shit out however you decide, and see whomever you want; but the next time I have any news, evidence, or even suspicion that you’ve drunk a drop of alcohol, you’ll be packing your bags, and you’ll be served divorce papers within the forthnight”.
And let the chips fall where they may. Maybe he decides he can just stop drinking without any help whatsoever, continuing to see his drunk friends, and runs that risk. Maybe he checks himself into rehab and begins the slow and gruelling process of addiction recovery. In any case, it’s him who’s in charge of his own life, and you don’t need to wonder whether you’re controlling. He won’t have a right to hold this against you in the future (even if things go “right” with his addiction).
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Your trip is a red herring, that’s serving as a distraction to you. I understand why you feel you need to go on a trip with your husband, but trying to manage the risks **for him** is not the way to do it. Set your voundaries in a healthy manner. You’ll be happier, more relaxed, and he’ll actually have some skin in the game, rather than needing to skate by in his life following some minimum requirements.
> if he wanted to come home to be with me and our toddler, he had to cut those people off
> He has almost made the 60 days.
> He told me his friends wants the hangout with him.
The rules were simple. In order to continue to be apart of your family he had to cut off the friends who encourage his bad behaviour. It’s been less than 60 days and he can’t do it.
I guess you have your answer.
You’re not controlling. What you’re asking for is completely reasonable.
It’s not your fault he’s actively choosing alcohol over his family.
He’s 41 years old and an alcoholic. I think you know what you need to do. Perhaps you need to hit rock bottom before you leave him to it. If nothing else, take yourself to Al Anon. You’ll find great support there.
If his friends are the enablers, ask him why he’s putting them before your child.
I dont understand why you don’t want him to see his friend. What is the bad thing you’ll think happen? Is the friend one of the people he was meant to cut off?
yeah i broke up with mine because she wouldnt let me leave the house except for work meanwhile when im gone shes having sex with half the town