Hey Reddit,
I want to begin by saying how much I care about my girlfriend. We’ve shared some incredible moments together, and I genuinely cherish our relationship. However, there’s a challenge we’ve been facing, and I’m seeking advice on how to address it.
Early on in our relationship, we made the mistake of spending too much time together. This lead to resentment and tension between us that almost ended things. We found ourselves arguing about almost anything. Realizing this was unhealthy, we made some adjustments, and it worked wonders for us.
However, lately, I’ve noticed we might be falling into the same old patterns. We’ve been seeing each other every single night, usually from 6 PM until late at night, around 11 PM – 1 AM. Please don’t get me wrong; I love our time together, but I also value my personal space and time for my own activities.
This continuous togetherness has even had an unintended impact on her relationship with her mom. Having me in their house almost every evening has led to her mom withdrawing and increased arguments between them. I don’t want to take full blame for this, but I’m sure it doesn’t help.
Now, here’s my dilemma: I want to set boundaries for my well-being and our relationship’s health. I genuinely believe our bond is stronger when we don’t hang out every single day. However, my girlfriend’s friend circle is quite small at the moment due to some toxic dynamics she distanced herself from. This makes me hesitant to say no when she wants to see me since she rarely has someone to hang out with.
The issue is that she seems somewhat offended or hurt when I express my need for alone time or suggest that we hang out later in the day. She’s mentioned multiple times that it feels like it’s “always my rules and on my schedule,” which I don’t believe is entirely true. In fact, I’ve often rearranged my plans and commitments to accommodate her schedule.
But here’s the thing: when I push aside things I need to do to be with her, I become irritable, my mind wanders, and I’m not fully present in the moment with her because I’m preoccupied with what I should be doing. I want to communicate this to her without hurting her feelings.
How can I set boundaries between us and explain to my girlfriend that I don’t want us to slip back into our old ways?
I really appreciate any advice or insights you can offer on how to navigate this situation with sensitivity and consideration for both our needs.
TLDR: We used to hang out excessively, leading to tension and arguments. We adjusted, but recently, we’ve been slipping back into old habits, and possibly impacting her relationship with her mom. I want to set boundaries for both our well-being, but I’m afraid of hurting her feelings or making it seem like I don’t want to spend time with her.
1 comment
>when I push aside things I need to do to be with her, I become irritable, my mind wanders, and I’m not fully present in the moment with her because I’m preoccupied with what I should be doing. I want to communicate this to her without hurting her feelings.
This is the first thing to tackle because it is black & white. If you have things that need to get done spending time with her can’t be the priority. This has nothing to do with feelings or desires, you have responsibilities.
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>This makes me hesitant to say no when she wants to see me since she rarely has someone to hang out with.
This part takes a bit more effort to you. You need to learn that you have to be your number 1 priority in life, no one else while advocate for your needs and desires as emphatically as you are capable of. It sucks she doesn’t have friends, but that isn’t your problem. It is great that at times you are willing to help her with that by being someone to hang out with, but putting her wants and needs above your should be the exception no the rule.
Start making plans for yourself and inform her with enough notice where she can try to make her own plans if she so desires.