22 y/old, black female living in a college town. I don’t understand why when walking among the public people’s eyes tend to look at me and if they were laughing or talking with someone before glancing at me, their faces drop and sometimes their eyes will be wide and they’ll look afraid or pull their family member or friend away or out of my way. Im 5’4” and 155 lbs, no tattoos, and my style is typically athleisure, granola ish clothes, feminine, or gamerboy (graphic tee and b-ball shorts). Is it my aura? Why are people afraid of me ? I worry it’s my race but other POC do it too and sometimes other black people stare at me wideeyed ??? I don’t get it. I know im not crazy because sometimes they’ll acknowledge me and say “sorry” or “excuse me” with a worried expression on their face…. What’s wrong with me ?
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If you live in a predominantly white area, you’re more likely to perceive neutral behaviors as behaviors that have to do with your race.
As a black girl that moved to a predominantly white city a couple of years ago, I feel hyper visible and less attractive because of the Eurocentric beauty standards that value thinness and proximity to whiteness.
I recommend talking to a therapist about it cause it’s a really uncomfortable feeling.
Also, for what it’s worth, I often find other black girls attractive and may look wide eyed then quickly avert my eyes cause I realize I’m staring.
Your confidence is going to play a role in how you interpret looks from other people because walking in crowds, people are gonna look at you no matter what you look like and if you’re confident, you’ll probably assume they’re looking at you cause you’re attractive.
Post a picture if you want a fair opinion.
Maybe it’s your resting facial expression?
I’m so sorry you have to experience that – someone literally pulling other people away is pretty ******d.
Unless it turns out you have some features that are surprisingly noticeable to everyone but you, it’s probably a racism thing, unfortunately. Maybe in combination with your style – there is nothing wrong with it (I had to look up what granola ish clothes means but hey) but if it’s rare and runs against the mainstream, people tend to look.
From your phrasing and the few pictures on your profile, you seem like a powerful, sharp, energetic, and an attractive woman. Not many people can handle that. Men may be intimidated by you, and women may feel threatened by you. Good looks is something men want and women can compete with. However, sharp mind and a powerful presence is something most people in our society feel is out their reach, something they can never, ever compete with.
I don’t have any concrete advice for you. I myself tried playing dumb or curbing my energy. It worked short-term, but was not a good longterm solution, and it backfired on me in the end. Anymore, I usually just take my breath before going outside my home and remind myself that I may be accidentally perceived as overpowering. I try to give people space and silence my mind so I could pay attention to others and their nonverbal cues early, without unintentionally overpowering them. Once in a while I meet someone whom I can be entirely myself with.
This strategy has helped me minimize the negative experiences similar to what you describe. The key here is to get a good feel for others’ bubble and interpersonal space, be aware which high energy behaviors can be possibly perceived as overpowering or overwhelming, even at a distance.
Even then, another strategy I have is the opposite LOL It works well when you are around strangers, people who aren’t interacting with you daily. This strategy is this: “Just be yourself and don’t give a fuck”. In such cases, if I get weird looks and whatever, I make sure to savor that moment. My rationale is this: “If me being my natural, smart, energetic, innocent, well-wishing self is somehow threatening to you, them I am going to lord it over you, and laugh at your misery and because it’s freaking pathetic. If you are offended by someone you don’t understand, you deserve to basque in your misery, and I’ll help you… by nothing other than simply being myself… but if you grow up, I’ll your friends, no hard feelings” LOL You really have to fully be yourself once in a while, otherwise the word gets dark and miserable.
So match the energy of those who matter in your life. Everyone else can just sit there and stew over nothing in the discomfort of their own creation. Sometimes, these weird looks and unexpected attitudes are just backhanded reminders of your own high worth and power. So take it as a compliment. That being said, with great power comes great responsibility. So be aware of that. It’s kinda like being a person with strong hands: it’s wise to go easy shaking people’s hands so you don’t unknowingly hurt them 😉
When you make eye contact with people, do you smile? It’s not necessary to smile of course, but if you want people to light up when they look at you, then you should probably do something friendly like smile and say hello to the strangers as they walk by.
I honestly don’t think someone could be so ugly that people would react like this, unless you were literally disfigured in some way. I don’t really have advice, but I can at least say that if you have to question whether or not you’re ugly, it’s most likely not that.
Could be your behavior tho. If you’re twitchy in public or are giving people mean mugs, you might be making them uncomfortable or putting their guards up.
I feel ya, but unfortunately have no answer since I’ve never seen you or your behavior. But I can tell you that I have the opposite situation. I usually don’t want to be approachable in public, but people get really comfortable with me, real fast.
But I can offer this tiny tidbit, maybe it applies somewhere. Some people have this ‘issue’ where they want to seem pc, or at least not as a racist, but it comes out so awkward. Trying not to gawk at someone, we force our faces to not change expression to something negative and it just looks weird and unnatural. And we do it when someone is very attractive too. It’s the appearance of ‘being cool’ with others different from ourselves. Idk maybe you have something unique to your style. Is your school predominately locals? I think you’re cool and you sound very smart and nice.
It could be subconscious racism or resting bitch face, the mechanism is pretty much the same in both. They’re interpreting some aggression that isn’t there because you’re a stranger and that’s inherently threatening to a lot of people
I think probably you’re either misreading some other emotion as fear (possibly you’re more attractive than you realize and it’s throwing people off their game?), or you’re mean-mugging people without realizing it (I do this all the time without meaning to) and they’re trying to get out of the line of fire, so to speak.
Middle-aged white guy, same thing happens to me. But Irish with red hair. I think maybe I have an intense or unapproachable look on my face?
It can be your resting face just like me. I forced myself to not show any facial expression and being super serious all the time bcs i lived next to a bad neighbourhood as a defense mechanism.
I did really realize it till few years after that when i was out with a group with some people i knew and some i didn’t one of them asked why do i look like i kill for a living and most of em agreed. I just laughed and tried to be more aware of it. Still happens tho
Some of the stares may be innocent. Other stares may be because your vibe is different from what people would expect from seeing black women from their own family or in the media (trashy reality shows or social media). It may be their brain taking a millisecond to realize they can’t sort you in a box. Or you’re not constantly smiling like a maniac to help them let their guard down (which is not your responsibility). There’s likely nothing wrong with you. I encourage you to walk with confidence and know that you belong. Also don’t let these feelings develop into imposter syndrome as you being your career and adult life. Also, you may just be beautiful and lovely to look at.
Ok few questions Do you have so many tattoos people need to read you not see you? Do you have so many different piercings people might want help out call and a mechanic?When it’s summer Do you wear winter clothes and winter wear summer clothes? Then their the one with a problem not you.
From a more objective standpoint – Based on your post history with asking questions about being attractive, ROCD, having a type of FOMO due to being “ugly in your youth” – I believe you just have some self esteem issues and signs of childhood trauma that are stopping you from getting out of this mindset. My best advice is, if you’re not already, try out a counseling with a therapist you trust. It’s hard to put everything out there that needs to be out there on the internet for strangers, but often times helping get over these types of thoughts requires a very high level of emotional trust and disclosure.
subjective – You sincerely seem attractive from the photos you have posted, and have a nice personality and good self-awareness. Often times peoples own thoughts can prime themselves to not only care about what others think too much but also for the assumption that they agree with the negative lens you view yourself in for whatever reason.
And just a heads up – people tend to either stare or quickly glance away at extremely attractive people more than ugly people – and on the same side of that coin a lot of people have their own taste and types. And some people can be jealous! Others could like your clothes, shoes, etc..don’t think to far into it
Thanks for all the responses everyone is really nice. I tended to struggle with understanding people’s emotions towards me all my life. I usually assumed they were mad at me if I didn’t understand their expression and that I deserved it. This was in Whole Foods mostly last night (was getting special ingredients for a congratulatory dinner 4 me bf) so maybe I just looked way too poor to b in there without an apron lol though there’s plenty of college kids.
It’s not you, trust me as a black guy who’s decently built, people are just intimidated by us, and that’s their problem I’m sure ur a wonderful gal. Some people are just dumb 🙄
I went snooping through your posts. My guess is that you’re perplexing to look at. Your hair is absolutely gorgeous and your body looks outrageous in certain outfits. I imagine you’re prettier than you think you are BUT people are people and the darker tone of your skin may not agree with their preconceived notions of what a really attractive young woman is. They are processing your beauty vs their bias.
I am an AA 45F. I used to think people thought I was the elephant man. People just don’t know how to process a pretty black girl. Cheers!
Some people make expressions without realizing that can make them seem scared, confused, or angry and bystanders might think it’s directed at them. Pay more attention to your face in the mirror and try to zone out in front of it then catch yourself to see what you look like.
Maybe you got RBF. You should ask one of the people you catch being weird.
Honestly you might just be absolutely stunning. When I see hot people, my face goes blank and my eyes go wide. I have no poker face or game.
People are stupid and judge mental. Could also be the axe your hands covered in blood lol. Pretty sure that’s the reason they do it to me at least. Lol.
Drop a pic which probably isn’t the reason. Sorry you’re going Thur this tho. If there looking at you weird , it’s they’re problem babes not your. Love you
It sounds like the beginning of a gangstalking campaign, unfortunately. Research gangstalking, targeted individuals, and remote neural monitoring. It will sound crazy at first, but if it seems to be following the pattern, at least you’ll be able to prepare. I hope it’s not. Good luck
I can relate to that