I apologize in advance for the length of this post.
I (36F) recently became exclusive with the most wonderful man (34M).
He was with his ex for ten years. They broke up when she cheated on him, and he has been single for the last three years. He has never been married, and he has no kids. I was with someone for 12 years (married for two of those years) – I left him, but it was amicable. Then, I was in a five-year relationship that was very toxic, and I left him one year ago. I have no kids.
We have not discussed our incomes, but I know his job pays well, and he has been with the same company for ten years. He owns his home, which is older but updated, and he keeps it very clean and tidy. He maintains his yard, cooks every night, works out regularly, and has a few healthy hobbies. He does not talk to exes, he is close with his family, and he has a solid group of friends. He has paid for every date despite me making it clear I’d like to pay, and he regularly surprises me with thoughtful gifts that show he’s paid attention to little things I’ve told him. He texts me good morning and goodnight without fail, keeps me updated on what he is doing each day, has never left me on read, has asked that I let him know when I get home safely after every date, and regularly compliments me on my appearance and my personality. Basically, he is consistent, reliable, polite, sweet, attentive, honest, intelligent, kind, humble… he is the complete package. He is so goddamn sexy; I can’t keep my hands off him. I’ve never been so mentally and sexually attracted to someone.
I am head over heels for this guy. I am trying to enjoy it and live in the moment because he makes me so happy. When we are together, I am not worried about a single thing. But when we are apart, my brain sometimes goes to places like… you don’t deserve someone this amazing, he won’t like you once he gets to know you more, he will realize he can do better, he is a 10/10 physically and I’m a 3/10 at best, I rent a small apartment and he owns his home, he has savings and I am just starting to save, he says he’s totally fine with not having kids but is he really or will he realize in five years he does want them and leave me because I am infertile, and other shitty thoughts like that.
I have never brought up these insecurities with him, and I never will (except the one about having kids/not having kids – we’ve had two conversations on that topic). He hasn’t done anything to cause these thoughts, and it’s not his responsibility to “fix” me. This is my problem, and it is something I need to figure out, but I don’t know how.
So, where do these thoughts come from?
Well, I have always thought I was not good enough (for anything, really). I am in therapy, and I am way better than I used to be, but poor self-worth is for sure part of it.
Part of it is also leftover shit from my last relationship. I’m over the relationship and don’t feel one way or the other about my ex – I feel nothing when I think of him. But I sometimes struggle to believe I deserve anything good. My ex was a coke addict and alcoholic when we got together (I helped him get clean as soon as I found out – within two months of dating), did not work the entire five years we were together, spent my money before I even saw it, would break my belongings when mad, call me names, never cleaned, wouldn’t kiss or cuddle or fuck me for the last three years, never met my family, I had to call the police on him multiple times, and there is so much more. That relationship was never healthy, and I can’t believe I stayed for so long. I don’t recognize that woman at all.
Going from my crappy ex to this new fantastic man feels like whiplash. How could I have deserved to be treated so poorly in my last relationship while at the same time deserve to be treated so lovingly by this new man? I understand logically that no one deserves to be treated poorly, but the subconscious is powerful.
I am afraid to dive all in because I don’t want to be hurt. I am scared he will see me for who I am and leave, and I will never find anyone like him ever again. I have shared a bit of my past relationship with him, but I don’t trauma dump and keep any details to a minimum. I have self-sabotaged in the past. This time, I am not. While I am very aware of my thoughts and actions (thanks, therapy) and know these thoughts are not rooted in reality, I can’t seem to make them go away. How do I stop overthinking and ruminating so I can fully immerse myself in the experience of becoming closer to this extraordinary man?
Thank you!
21 comments
Sucks how the last guy did a number on you like that. Just…don’t think? Idk idk.
Therapy?
Ouch hun, I hear you. My brother was a coke addict/alcoholic and I saw him with his girlfriend go on and off for ten years. It really threw off my concept of love. Like I was really questioning what love really was during that time. It affected my self worth as well because my parents would give so much more love to him and leave me alone. It felt awful.
I wish I knew what to say but, I too, am going through self esteem issues as well as I enter the dating scene.
So your last paragraph about being afraid to get hurt…that’s most of us. If not afraid of it, we at least don’t want that outcome. But that’s part of life, not just dating. Anything could happen.
I would work to build/increase your self esteem. Is there something you’d like to learn or a hobby you’d like to try? Even small goals are important for proving to ourselves that we are capable of growth! I’d also make sure that your life is full outside of this relationship, so that whatever happens, you know you still have a good life.
This man is choosing to be with you. Your ex was a troubled and abusive person- you did not deserve that, and he would likely have treated anyone that way. Try to understand that the abuse wasn’t about you or because of you- it was all him.
Have you discussed this more with a therapist?
Great job on seeking therapy and recognising that this is a problem. I’m in a similar boat to yours after a very bad relationship and several failed relationships. I met a really great guy too and I was (and sometimes Still do) think he’s too good for me and he could do sooo much better.
But actually, he’s choosing to be with me. He has no obligation to date me, but he is. He doesn’t need to show me love and care, but he chooses to. If one day he decides he doesn’t want that, then so be it. Life moves on. I try to take every day as it comes. Sometimes I still get insecure but I’m learning to reassure myself by remembering all the fun we have together, how he shows me he cares etc etc.
It takes time..not sure how long you’ve been together OP but I’ve known my guy for 2 years now.. it really does take time!
>I can’t keep my hands off him
Sounds like he hit the jackpot 😉
Takes a lot of internal work! I journal a lot and worked on this extensively in therapy. It’s not easy but you’re not alone, a lot of other people feel this too. Here’s a few questions I’ve spent a long time thinking and writing about:
* Why am I worthwhile? What are qualities about me that make me attractive, not just to this person but to others and myself? What would others around me say about me?
* If this person is so great, they likely also have a good sense of self. What does it mean then that they’re choosing to be with me?
* What are this person’s normal human weaknesses and shortcomings?
* How do I know my (negative) opinion of myself is accurate?
* Write down affirmations or evidence that this person is attracted to you and likes being around you, as often as you can.
* What will happen if this person and I don’t work out in the end? What does it mean that I was capable of attracting someone with ______, _______, and _______ qualities?
* What have I learned from my previous experiences that makes me a better person and partner than I was then?
First, I am so glad you are in therapy! I hope your therapist would help you address your own insecurity and your lack of self-love. I am also so glad you are so self-aware because of your therapy.
You don’t need to be accomplished or as far in life as he is to deserve love. Everyone moves at their own paces. Your past does not make you ineligible for the love you deserve.
What if you found out his past that he was on some serious struggle, but still pull through and become the person he is now? How would you feel? Now take that perspective and apply it to yourself- that’s how he sees and treats you, evidently from how gentleman he is.
Ruminating won’t help- what if he finds out what your past is and then worst case scenario, he dumps you on the spot. Then he isn’t the kind of man you want anyways and you saved yourself some trouble.
I am happy for your lucky find and I am going to copy what he does so one day, when I date for keep, I would be seen as a “complete package” like him!
Though…my yard looks like shit though, no matter how hard I try. xD
Oh, I feel I am in the same boat.
I found this amazing guy after years of dating unavailable men and now I question myself frequently whether I deserve him.
I also have anxious attachment style whereas he has a secure attachment style so that makes it worse.
But what really helps me is knowing that life is too short to be so miserable about something I have no control over.
I remember watching Bojack where some character says, “It takes a long time to realize how truly miserable you are, and even longer to see it doesn’t have to be that way”.
You have to trust the process.
And believe in yourself and your choices.
After that, whatever happens, happens.
I feel like you should focus on thinking you deserved to be abused.
Why do you feel that way? What did you do to deserve it?
I was younger and stupider. I was naive and trusting, I believed what people told me. Are you looking at me and thinking “wow, what a fucking asshole. She definitely deserved to get beat up by her boyfriend”?
Why are you looking at your past self like they’re the fucking asshole?
What kind of transgression would someone need to commit before you would treat them the way your ex treated you?
What did you **do** to deserve it. What were your **actions**?
Peel it apart until you believe us when we say “it wasn’t your fault”
You deserve happiness, you deserve someone that makes your life better otherwise what’s the point of being with them?
I wish you the best. We all have some insecurities to deal with. I hope you manage yours as best you can and move forward together.
Just take it one day at a time. That’s all you can do.
Not sure how long ya’ll have been together, but seems like he’s putting a lot in to NOT be interested. Trust yourself and maybe take a chance…..worst thing is you’ll get hurt, but won’t you be hurt if you don’t take the chance?!?
He has paid for every date despite me making it clear I’d like to pay >> if you wanna go pay, then pay. Not sure how he can physically prevent you from paying. I always, always go Dutch.
This is a very refreshing post. Why?
There’s many posts on these threads that start the same as yours. But their last paragraph is different. They sound like this “Even though he is an amazing guy I find my mind gravitating back to my ex, the excitement, the highs and then the lows keeps me addicted to him. Even though my new partner is great he is not as exciting as my ex”.
Yours is very different as you recognize the value in the relationship and the person you have found. You’d be surprised that many men want the same as you; stability, warmth and understanding.
Perhaps you’ve come a lot further than you really give yourself credit for and it’s truly valued by your new partner.
Peace.
Lord I see what you have done for others
Don’t sabotage it! You’re doing great! Stay present, pay attention to how you feel in your body, give it time!
Imposter syndrome dating
I was worried about these things as well I am 36, rent an apartment, and just started savings as I am early career due to my PhD and a few small setbacks during Covid. Hell, I still get sad sometimes about not being a homeowner (despite living in one of the most expensive states ). With that being said….last year . I met someone who completely understands me and we are together to this day and I can see my future with her ! It’s funny because I now feel that this entire time , it was worth not meeting the right person until just now !
out of curiosity though , do you feel that not being a home owner makes you less deserving of someone who is ? Like , would you feel less anxious or worried he was not home owner or had less savings ? This isn’t a critique or anything , but I do wonder because I felt nervous as well despite the fact that my current partner and I both have apartments and are still relatively early career (less savings).
Good luck and I hope things really do work out 🙂
Your actions define you. If you want to be worthy of this relationship, show it through your actions. Match his effort, show up.
If it hasn’t been said already, no one is perfect. He is clearly with you for you and not b/c the “checklist of items”. You see who he is now, but acknowledge the amount of work it took him to get to that point/ evolve to become his own. The same with you. Sometimes, you just got to enjoy the ride and keep up the open/ clear communication.
Time.
That’s the answer to your question. Time and consistency.
Your guy sounds like my SO. He’s sincerely the most amazing wonderful person. Very secure.
Going on two years of being together now. He’s still amazing and secure. With time and patience and building up our foundation, those thoughts and feelings went away.
I no longer recognize that person who had disorganized attachment and so many insecurities.
I love hearing about live healing, as I know it does (and yes it’s not his job to heal you and you have to be vigilant) but at the end of the day, a strong secure attachment can help heal so much. Good luck!
Try not to put him on a pedestal. You are equals.