Growing up I was micromanaged by my dad. Constantly berated for the most benign thing. Literally like being yelled at for pouring too much cereal. This may not be a unique experience to most but it’s caused me to be a very private person. I don’t like to share my personal life with almost anyone and will rebuke somebody for passing judgement onto me. It’s gotten to the point where I verbally assault someone (if that’s even a thing) if they give their opinion on my life. My dad included. All this has caused my to have an evil little voice in my head that talks crap about everyone, puts them into enclaves of mediocrity, and destroys my self esteem. That being said I’m actually pretty successful objectively in almost all facets of life. Money, dating, fitness, etc. but I hate the voice in my head. Not to sound like I have daddy issues but has anyone suffered from this? Whenever I’m not progressing in life I turn to negative coping habits like binge eating or consuming sexually explicit content for hours on end. Then the self hating cycle begins. Not sure what this phenomena is but it gives me social anxiety and overall melancholy if not depression.
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I go to therapy for similar reasons. It sounds like you don’t want to repeat his mistakes, much like I don’t want to repeat my dad’s continuing mistakes.
Yeah, but mine was more from my parents not being involved at all, I had to figure out everything by myself and became really private out of self-protection and fear of being judged by others.
The one nice thing is that you know the cause, already. A lot of people have no idea why they have the behaviours they have, you have a clear path of the cause.
The bad news is that you can’t solve this yourself and it will take years and years to undo this kind of damage.
I ended up getting addicted to drugs and alcohol and crash and burned and spent a month in a rehab, which was really good for me. I am a year sober now and am regularly involved in AA and therapy.
Anyway, therapy is a great first step. You just have to remember to not lie to your therapist (as I found it tempting to lie to avoid embarrassment or pain in sessions). They can’t help you if you aren’t telling the truth.
You also need to take their advice and do the hard things they suggest you do. There is no easy painless path out of this, a lot of it will hurt as much as the abuse hurt, but that’s all part of recovery.
Therapy.
A couple good answers in the comments that I won’t repeat, I’ll just offer new info.
One of the best ways I found to reduce negative internal language and reduce my critical view, is gratitude. It’s very hard at the beginning but for every 1 negative thing you think, you must think of 2 positive things. And they have to be genuine. For example:
“Why would he do that, it makes no sense and it’s clearly the worst decision he could have made. Well, I’m really glad to have him as a friend, and I know he tries his best when it comes to his decision making process.”
“Fuck my workplace, I hate coming in here every day. Well, I do enjoy the stable paycheck, and my coworkers are pretty cool to laugh with, and the temperature is actually pretty decent in here.”
Over time you go from 1 negative and 2 positive things, to 1 negative and 5 positives. You eventually reframe everything in your mind as a positive.
That’s what worked for me. But there’s actually research that shows if you had to 1) reduce the negative thoughts or 2) increase the positive thoughts, it’s actually more effective to pick 1. But whenever possible, try to do both.
Also meditate on it. When you have these negative internal feelings, you don’t have to act on it. You can feel it, see it, breathe, acknowledge the feelings, and let it pass. It’s not real. It’s a part of your childhood that wants a voice.
There is also a thing called Parts Therapy that gives your inner child a voice.
Hope this helps. I’m glad you’re taking note and starting the journey of positive mental health.
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So yeah, you’re conditioned to react without thinking. It sucks.
Aside from therapy, one thing to try is to take a beat and really listen. You’ve got to break the reflex to launch into a rebuke. So stop, take a breath, consider what the person is telling you, and then **choose** how to react.
It boils down to listening to what people are actually trying to say (even if sometimes they suck at it) and then being deliberate about how you react. Instead of acting on that protective instinct you’ve developed, you want to unlearn that and replace it with thoughtful action.
It’s not easy, and it takes practice, but you can do it. Especially with support from a therapist.
on the flip side that voice pushed you to achieve your successes. my response to the micromanagement and being raged at was becoming very passive, helpless and anxious. this anxiety caused me to dissociate with tv and weed, which resulted in me not creating a life because i have a low window of tolerance.
anyway, it sounds like you could benefit from CBT therapy. there is material out there to do this yourself. if you’re looking for a support group check out a 12 step called – adult children of (alcoholics and) dysfunctional families.
Sounds like you would benefit from seeing a therapist.
Just go and do it. Make the appointment and let your first step being getting over the stigma of being a guy that goes to one. This is all about coping mechanisms like you mention and also finding ways to encounter those stressors head-on in a way that doesn’t lead to you turning to those.
You’re just wasting time if that isn’t a priority for you in addressing this while knowing it affects you to this level.
We often forget that we’re capable of wearing many masks. The American Buddhist monk Thanissaro Bhikkhu suggests compartmentalization of these voices into ‘characters’. These ‘characters’ are driven by a desire, sometimes stemming from fear and anger. Bhikkhu recommends developing a committee in the mind that can maintain a wholly and healthy dialogue and only the best versions of you deserve a seat at the table. Who is this voice? What do they want? What sort of meaning are they attaching to the berating of the Self and others?
This person is you but only ONE version of you. Let’s call this internal, alternate Redditor redsun.
Does redsun deserve a seat at the table? Perhaps not. But it’s important to understand the root of their desire to be able to let go and find resolve. A voice left unheard will only grow louder and more belligerent over time and may manifest itself into real action (yelling at others, breaking things, overall projection, etc)
This perspective may help in how to process these thoughts (one similar to one I’ve used for myself):
Redsun is in the ICU, laying on their deathbed and beigesun, their omnipotent best friend and confidant, comes to visit them. Beigesun asks redsun “If there’s one thing in the world you could have before you go, what would it be?” Now, the response could be something dark, sometimes these characters, for instance, believe that causing harm to others is the answer. But don’t get bogged down by these details. They don’t have much time left, so why deny them their feelings? It’s what the action means that is of greater value. Maybe the action for them means justice, control, validation and is a reminder of self worth. They’re just afraid of going away forever without ever having received the satisfaction of feeling those feelings. Without judgement, accept their response.
beigesun, if you recall, is omnipotent. In the same way beigesun can make your physical stomach turn by simply thinking of fear and discomfort, beigesun can also call into your physical being the satisfaction of justice and resolution by simply thinking of those feelings. Bring those feelings forward, feel those feelings deeply, to the absolute core of your heart, and give them to your dying friend so that they can leave peacefully and satisfied. Feed it to them like it was their last bite just before their dying breath. When they’ve gone, they will leave a seat empty in the committee. Who better to take their place than a friend?
Here comes tealsun
tealsun roots for you, tealsun celebrates your accomplishments, tealsun reminds you to trust your intuition, tells you that it’s okay to fail and make mistakes. tealsun reflects with you on how strong you are and how capable of change you are and that you can love yourself unconditionally. They now sit next to beigesun on that committee and you’re all the better it
Edit: You need to devote time and energy to this mental exercise. Give it your unwavering attention and focus. Treat yourself as if you were in the ICU because the life of your mental health depends on it
It takes a lot less energy to just let things go. If people are rude or mean, I usually just let it go now. I don’t care to fix other people. It’s just not my job.
A lot of this resonates with me. Do you find that you do a lot of things to try and impress your dad? For me, I began to feel a lot happier when I started focusing on who I wanted to be and wanted I to do, instead of trying to live up to my dads imaginary (or non imaginary) expectations. And when I’m happier, that little evil voice is quieter.
Learn to love others even whom you don’t know. As Jesus says love covers a multitude of sins.