First I would like to say, I have no jealousy or contempt for this girl. And she is a *girl* to me. A child. My ex did cheat with her but she was not aware at the time, and I extricated my self from the situation when she was made aware, with only a single message over Insta to her, that “Cheaters don’t change. If he did it to me he’ll do it to you. Let me know if you ever need to talk.” I sent that message last September. This January I receive a message that said “I don’t have anyone. He’s the worst. Are you available (paraphrased slightly.)
She came to me. She was pregnant. She stayed in the basement suite of my home, and two weeks later I helped her to end the pregnancy, and since encourage her to start therapy. She is not on speaking terms with her family at all.
We got along well enough that I wrote up a simple tenancy and she’d been staying for 500 a month since.
I am childfree, but I feel very strongly for her. In an oddly maternal way. I introduced her to my family. She’s of a similar age to my youngest sister and they get along well. Recently, I’ve helped her apply to colleges.
The issue starts that recently ‘the ex’ found out she aborted the pregnancy. Apparently she told one of my sisters friends who is the sibling of my ex’s closest friend 🙄. He has since been harassing me on all socials. Calling me all the grotesque things that you can think of. Creating new socials to do so also. His mother called me to harass me for ending her grandchild because I’m a heartless woman who hates children, (because
I’m childfree), and that just because I want to be a “useless” (childfree) woman, doesn’t me I need to destroy my ex’s “line”.
…yeah.
It’s effecting my work also, because recently my amazing boss retired and was replaced by a snivelling AH… who is extremely conservative, and has seen the social media post and has brought it up to me on lunch breaks. I wouldn’t be surprised if he attempts to let me go in a sideways way for it.
I’ve also noticed a few of my friends have pulled away, thinking up helping her out of spite now…And asking me why I ‘got involved’.
I’m just tired.
I’m not legally adept for my age, in all honesty…and I’ve been under a lot of stress and been struggling with my own mental health and this is just a lot right now. I just need some advice going forward.
How should I broach this topic with friends, without saying to much? How do I deal with my boss (hr is crap)…
I’m just lost…And tired. And at the moment I’m glad it’s mostly directed at me because apparently he hasn’t contacted her. And I’m worried about him contacting her, she’s finally doing well.
42 comments
Screen shot his messages and send them to his work. Or go to the cops about harassment. Or both
Ok so as long as it was the 19yo choice to terminate then you’re kind enough to help her.
I don’t see what work has to do with an online social media post that’s obviously done in malice. I’d come off social media and gently remind your boss that what you have going on in your personal life doesn’t effect your performance, and continue doing what you’re doing.
I’ve never done a restraining order but I always say block. Block the ex and his mother. Don’t tell people more than you’re comfortable with, especially at work. It’s not their business and you’re allowed to say that. You’re being generous and kind, and there is a way to make it work. Keep the friends who are supportive close and then let the others distance themselves if they’re not supportive.
You’re doing great. Those who matter don’t mind and those who mind don’t matter. I can see a lasting bond, all be it a trauma bond, for you and this girl. Start caller her your sister or your cousin if you really want ppl to stop asking intrusive questions that are not really your obligation to answer. Be there for yourself first, but keep her around if you have space and the capacity to continue supporting her.
Tell everyone who doesn’t support you and her to fuck right off.
You may want to consult with an attorney for a cease and desist letter. If it is messing up your work, then you could have a case to sue them.
I applaud you. It takes a very strong mature and honorable woman to stand by the AP of your ex. A young woman who’s alone and desperate and you helped her. You both are in a very toxic situation but still you show integrity and compassion. Those who talk badly and distance themselves are showing their true colors. People who have no place in your life.
One day all of this will pass , you will have peace and love in life again and she will be in a better place in life.
You saved that poor girls life, and she is so lucky to have you to help in a shit situation. I’m so sorry you’re catching shit for it, you don’t deserve it. All you have to say is that she reached out to you for help, and you helped her. It’s got nothing to do with your ex getting a young girl pregnant- you just helped out someone who had no one. And anything beyond that is no one else’s business. And honestly, I don’t see anything wrong with you lying your ass off and telling everyone your ex is just bitter and cruel and is making stuff up. Talk about how he manipulate and abandoned a girl half his age. Get mad. Blame him.
You made a difference for that girl, and you still are. You are an awesome person. I hope things get better for both of you.
LAWYER.
This may qualify as a hate crime in some areas. Get a restraining order.
Screenshot everything he says to you. Report and block.
Also start posting his emotional diarrhea on /r/creepyPMs and /r/justnoex use a throwaway account.
Also, aside from my other comment, your boss doesn’t in general have any business commenting on your person so social media as long as you make no mention there of your place of employment.
The correct response is to deny. “Unfortunately I don’t know what you’re talking about and even if something like that existed somewhere on the internet, that would prove that your were snooping the personal social media of your subordinate on company time, without their knowledge, which I presume you’re not foolish enough to do. Not only that, but I presume you wouldn’t have the time to concern yourself about such matters not related to either if your jobs. Is there anything else I van do for you, Kevin?”
Then make a record of any such comments, and, if he does it several times, report to HR.
Just stop talking about it with other people and if he keeps messaging let him know a restraining order will be on the way next
Her body, her choice.
I’m just here to tell you that you’re amazing and please don’t ever lose your big heart. The world will try to crush it , but we need it.
just say he’s harassing you and lying? they don’t need to know the truth, it’s over and done with.
Doesn’t your ex’s mom know there’s an endless supply of naive teenagers willing to feel for her son’s shtick and give her a grandchild? A guy can impregnate any willing woman any day of the week, he needs to stop obsessing about this one and any other misplaced loads.
You did absolutely nothing wrong and your roommate’s medical decisions are nobody’s business but her and her doctors. Talk to a lawyer about how to handle the harassment.
Please check in on her too, I doubt you are the only one being targeted. I hope you both continue to thrive far away from your AH ex and his flying monkeys.
Delete all social accounts and start blocking numbers.
No matter what you do or say in the matter you will be seen as the bitter ex who persuaded his gf to have an abortion. I don’t think you can convince anyone otherwise in this situation
Kick all co workers and people you don’t know off your socials and make them private and don’t accept any invites for a while. Change your phone number. Tell your boss it was the girls choice and you didn’t want to see her get hurt trying something stupid on her own even if you don’t believe it yourself. Pride isn’t worth mental health. Also, you can’t logic bomb a believer because the Lord works in mysterious ways, takes babies, and lets baby rapers die of old age. When they believe that their beyond logic. So now your phone is no longer the enemy , your boss is off your ass, and the socials are locked down. Now you need a spa day and a good soak in a hot bath and a trip to the therapist. It’s never good for a co workers or boss to have your socials for just this reason.
“That’s my private business and I’d prefer not to talk about it.” END OF CONVERSATION. Good lord, shut all that shit down. Don’t be the source of juicy drama they are all craving. It’s over. You have nothing to say. You don’t like to air dirty laundry at work. “How was your weekend? Do anything fun?”
“The child my ex impregnated and treated shabbily asked me for help as she had no one else (something my ex knows). I would help anyone who found themselves pregnant in terrible relationship with someone who could be their parent. I did the right thing for her and I will continue to do so.”
Thankyou for helping her
Block him & his mum then set your messages to friends only & private your account
You are a really good human for taking care of this girl and offering support when she needed it most. Those people are disgusting, the ex and his mother and his community would have brought nothing but misery and harm to that girl and any potential child born into that situation. I agree to screenshot but I wouldn’t take action unless you actually lose your job over this. In my personal opinion, involving the police has very mixed results.
“I’m not sure what you’re talking about. I barely know the girl and am unaware of what these rumors are about”. Cease and desist to people where needed. HR for the boss situation. Tell the girl she needs to find a new place and keep her yap shut.
Delete all social media and friends who shit on you. The end.
Just say a 19 yr old with no family support reached out to you for help getting out of a controlling relationship with a 35 year old.
And you agreed to help her without going out of your way too much.
And now the reason she came to you is following you out in the world and harassing you.
And ye she is a child.
That’s all you need to say to your friends repeatedly if needed- if they ask more questions same simple story.
and after you go to the police tell your ex and his mother the same thing and that you’re seeking legal action
Then get rid of or seriously limit SM.
Hope all goes well for both of you.
Also be careful with over- extending yourself and becoming a savior by helping more than absolutely necessary. You’ll be vulnerable to developing an unhealthy bond and/or resentment.
You’re an amazing woman and I’m so happy that young lady found you. Continue to block and don’t respond to messages from names you don’t recognize. Leave them on read. If it’s someone that Truly knows you and cares about you, they’ll find another way to reach you.
I wish I had advice for you but you’re in Canada and I know next to nothing about their laws. Good luck with ALL of that! 🌹🌹🌹
You are such a nice person. You saved that girls life. Your ex went after a girl who is barely out of high school. She was groomed by a man more than twice her age. Your ex and his mom are foul. Might be time to get rid of your social media too.
How about playing dumb and asking your boss what this has to do with your job?
Tell your boss it’s lies to slander you and play up that you’re pro life, i know it sucks being a wage slave.
Start recording his harassment
Keep being an awesome person and being there for groomed children who are bamboozled by disgusting men.
Seriously you did this girl a life changing favor and i’d expect that you’ll be a sister to her forever now, thank you for helping her
You’re a good person. Like a REALLY good person. Contact the police and if need be contact the lawyer to issue a cease and desist. And start documenting everything regarding your boss in case you are terminated and you can turn around and file a lawsuit. Good luck
I just wanted to say that you are are truly awesome person who helped a child who needed someone to lean on. For the friends who think you did it out of revenge you can always ask them what they would have done if a nineteen year old girl came to them asking for help getting out of an abusive relationship and terminating a pregnancy that they are not ready for and do not want, what would you do? It does not matter who the abuser was to you she obviously needed help and you were in the position to do so.
You tell them to mind your own. Lock down your socials. Only friends can see it. Anyone you worth with, delete them. Block everyone you can. You did a very nice thing for this young woman and possibly saved her a lifetime of grief. Thank you.
If your boss is doing this on a regular basis, look up the laws regarding recording someone without their knowledge (I live in VA, it is legal to record a conversation as long as one person present is aware they are being recorded; so if you’re aware then it’s legally ok. Not sure where you are, or your laws) and try to get a recording of what he’s saying to you.
Bring it to HR, and hope to a quick and swift end. I don’t see how they could avoid legitimate proof, especially if it goes against company policy (check through that with a fine tooth comb, and use their own policies / lingo against them in the complaint). If abortion is legal where you are, you did nothing wrong (I mean, even if it’s not you did nothing wrong, but he has no leg to stand on if his views are purely religiously based, which probably also goes against the companies policies) and it’s not ok for him to bring this up to you at work if it’s not work related.
How is your boss getting this stuff from social media. Are you not set to private with no public mentions allowed? Please do.
Do you work a full time job with medical, 401k, all that? If so, you very likely also have an Employee Assistance Plan (EAP) available to you that most people forget about. Almost 80% of employers have one in place. It helps coordinate counseling, offer tax or financial advice, light legal help, just general life guidance.
You should check with HR and see if you have an EAP. You don’t have to spill the story to HR, just ask if there is an EAP and can you have the contact number. Call the number, everything you tell them is confidential, tell them the problem and that you need legal help with either a restraining order, a cease-and-desist, or whatever else they might recommend to back your ex off you.
I don’t really have any advice, I’m sorry, but I do want to say that what you’re doing for this girl is incredibly kind, and I imagine these “friends” who have such a problem with you getting involved probably just can’t imagine feeling such empathy and compassion for someone who has “wronged them” in such a way. I think you’re lovely, and I think this girl is incredibly lucky to have you in her life. Please don’t let anyone put doubts about that in your mind. I hope everything works out well for you both, and that you get the support you need for yourself.
I don’t have any advice for you, but I just want to say that what you did is amazingly kind.
You are a wonderful person. Her hero. Whatever awful things they are saying are absolutely untrue and never believe them.
**Thank you for helping this teenager out of a horrible babytrap situation.**
You are an incredible person, you do not deserve to be treated this way. I think there has been a lot of good advice posted here, but I think disabling your social media for a while is probably a good move.
I’m really sorry this is happening to you!!
To file for harrassment charges – You go to the courthouse, not the police.
Your county courthouse will probably have an advocate who can help you with filing the paperwork for a temporary protective order. You will probably have to fill out paperwork, wait for the judge, then go in front of the judge and tell them what is going on, that you are scared that you will lose your job because of this harrassment. Then the judge will decide whether or not to issue the protective order.
It usually takes a full day.
The girl seems pretty young. If she is 19 now and was pregnant by him, it might be worth asking her when they started talking – might have a legal case for predatory grooming her which would further strengthen your harassment report.
Tell her to stop taking about her procedure! If anything, she should say it was a miscarriage; it was a spontaneous abortion and everyone misunderstood. Yeah, lying sucks but people are making your life miserable and you might lose your livelihood.
Definitely screenshots of everything. Definitely file a police report so it’s on file.
If your boss brings it up I’d casually say “it’s not really something I’d like to talk about” and if it continues I’d consider starting the job search.
You’re awesome for helping this woman!