Background: My wife and I have been together for 20 years and married for 18, we have no kids, I work full time and she stays at home and works on her hobby business and I am happy to support her doing something she is passionate about. Our sex life is healthy and we both enjoy each other, we are open minded and communicate not only on our sex life but in our relationship in general.
About 10 years ago she started to suffer with chronic illness, I don’t want to mention it as friends and family use reddit, but there is no cure and it will just get worse. To start with the impact was minimal and medication helped keep it in check, her sex drive stayed the same but one of the major side effects of this illness is that the sex drive will deteriorate, to the point where it will basically stop. The medication she is on can not be taken with anything that would improve her sex drive.
It has now reached the point where her sex drive no longer exists and she is dealing with high fatigue and pain. We last had sex over 2 years ago, we have brought toys for me which is great but I miss HER, now we still kiss, make out and cuddle but I am afraid that anything beyond that might cause her more pain than what she is currently in.
She keeps apologising for not being able to do more and I know it’s not her fault but we are both at a loss on what we can do so that she is included.
Has anyone had a partner with something like this and still had a good sex life with them?
We use to have sex a couple of times a week then once a week, a fortnight, a month, etc.
TLDR; My wife and I haven’t had sex in 2+ years due to illness and need help.
13 comments
I don’t have an answer, but you’re an amazing guy.
Yes.
No chronic illness, but she called an absolute halt to sex. But we continued to hug and kiss, hold hands, hold each other in bed.
We continued loving each other, and I respected her boundary.
That sounds difficult. You could try to do sexual acts that don’t involve penetration. Let her lay comfortably on a bed with pillows etc. You can both be naked and you could touch each other. You can touch her vagina with your penis but if penetration hurts you stay on the outside and masturbate. Cumming on her will make it more intimate and also satisfying for her, because she could still arouse you and be intimate. Idk if this is any help because I don’t know the nature of her illness. But I’ve also struggled with health and found there are many other ways to please each other and be intimate, without penetration or much effort from her side.
Aw that’s a rough situation to be in. I’m sorry, I don’t know how to deal with it but I know if I were in her situation I would feel upset. As I’m sure you would feel the same too, if you suddenly couldn’t get hard, it would impact how you feel as a person.
It’s a difficult situation 🙁 I feel for her. There’s nothing that feels better than feeling sexy and attractive and being intimate with your partner.
How does your wife feel? Does she miss having sex with you as you do with her? I’m just asking the question because I’m genuinely curious.
When you have a disability/chronic illness/complex medical needs sex can be a bit of a ball like even if in your mind you’re like fuck why does this have to be such a fucking ball ache?
It must be nice for her to know how understanding you are at the very least? Or you at least try to be I would hope?
I actually don’t have an answer for you, big cuddles to you both. 🖤🖤🖤
I agree mostly with “Mebares”..
I will say this.. my BIL has a twin brother with a wife who has an excelled version of ALS.. within ten years she went from slight muscle weakness… to only being able to communicate through eye movements with a special computer and choking on her own saliva regularly.. he cares for her every day all day..and has nurses that come to give him a break for only a handful of ours every week.. don’t forget he lives this ife 24hrs a day.. he wakes up to hear her choking on saliva and to suction it out most nights… no 8hrs of sleep ever in that last 13yrs.
He was early 40’s when this started.. there is no way she can do anything at this point, she can only move her eyes..
Yes he still has urges…. And.. I have no idea their conversations,.. but I do know for a fact.. he goes out.. to other couples.. nobody else but me knows this.. including my sister and my BIL, his twin..
But.. I have net him and the way my BIL and sister talk about how he cares for her.. and is there all but a few hours of every week…. I gotta believe they had that conversation…. (Youc an go but come home to me).. It’s a crazy love story…. Yeah… go get your rocks off.. but your ailing wife is still the love of your life.. I get it..
At 54, i could forgo it for the rest of my life if B needed me and died,.. at 40, I don’t know…. I wish I could be that man, I would never, do it without consent, hopefully, but man… that’s tough..
Talk too your wife about your needs, your devotion to her, her needs and her boundaries…. If there is an impasse, just remember you and I both made vows “in sickness and in health”, and just make sure she know you will live up to those no matter what..
It’s not the life we chose,.. it’s the life we are given.
I’d say it really depends on the nature of what causes her pain, as well as what she’s still willing to or interested in doing. You said you bought “toys” for you, but you also say you “miss HER.”
If you mean primarily PIV sex as what you miss, and that’s out of the question because of the illness, that’s just a type of intimacy you may not be able to have anymore. (And that can be a big blow for some people.)
But I sense by “miss HER” you also mean other activities — you said something “so she is included.” I don’t know what you’ve tried. Do you mean including her as in giving her sexual pleasure? Does she still want that? Is oral sex or fingering or whatever for her still on the table? If that’s painful, how about her breasts? Just gentle massage of her body? Many women — often more so than men — can feel satisfaction and intimacy from being touched in a lot of places and a lot of ways on their bodies. So if there are things that aren’t painful, the intimacy of being able to touch her and be closer to her might help.
You mention “cuddling,” but it’s unclear how far that goes. Because there’s kissing and gentle cuddling on the couch… and then there’s naked cuddling and fondling in bed. If you have done the latter, or there are restrictions, can you work around them a bit? Like if she can’t be naked or is embarrassed for reasons to have to do with her condition, maybe at least part of her body can be more exposed or touched in some ways for more intimacy?
As for you…
Even if she can’t do more or if that isn’t something she wants, maybe there are ways for her to be more involved in your own pleasure. And that’s really up to what works for you. Sometimes just having a partner in bed with me, whispering in my ear, touching me a bit, while getting myself off can be a very powerful and emotional experience. I don’t know if you’re doing things like that already or not. It might feel embarrassing at first if you’re not used to masturbating in front of her or she’s not used to see you do so or something… but it can feel very intimate. Often for me it can be a little detail like a woman whispering in my ear or kissing me, while just lying next to me. Or gently touching some part of me, which makes me feel connected to her, like she’s playing a part in it, even if she’s really doing very little as I get myself off. (This was something I did with a partner when we weren’t able to have sex for a while for a more temporary condition — I haven’t experienced an extended situation like this, though.)
But again, you’d have to sort out what works for you and what she’s able to do. For me personally, there are few things more erotic than having myself lying naked with a woman I trust and letting her touch parts of me, or even just say things in my ear — again, whatever works for you. It could be sexy talk, or talk about your body, or it could be about love and how she feels about you… whatever helps you feel more connected to her.
Fundamentally, it depends on the goal and what she’s interested in and able to do. Are you trying to still include her as in give her pleasure? Is that still part of her desire (despite her lower sex drive)? Or are you just finding ways to feel more fulfilled and include her in your own pleasure (but she really isn’t able to or interested in her own pleasure much, due to her condition)? Once you answer those questions, you can begin to try to find ways to connect.
you might get better advice in r/DeadBedroomsMD which is specifically for people whose partners who have stopped having sex because of medical issues.
I’m looking at this from the other side, I have a worsening chronic illness (MS) and a lot of pain and fatigue that comes with it. There is lots of medication that helps with both these things so I suggest she talks to her doctor or gets a second opinion. I wouldn’t say there has been any problems with my sex life, although I was diagnosed in my early twenties, and I am also a 38 year old female. If there really is no medication your wife can take to help with the pain and fatigue I would suggest physiotherapy might be worth a try too.
Tough situation I’d find it impossible to without sex it’s an essential to the relationship
Could you take a lover with her permission
She’s cheating bro
Have you considered jerking off in her face a few times a week? That won’t hurt her, and she’ll love it.
If her vagina hurts try the butt.