I (32M) am having boundary issues with my (34F) girlfriend. Worried it’s now affecting my kids
Hi so backstory is that I have two kids, ages 7 and 11, and I am divorced. I have been separated and/or divorced from my ex wife for nearly 3 years.
I have a girlfriend that I’ve been with for over 2 years. She does not have any kids. We recently (last 4 months) moved in together (we got a house together, although only my name is on the house).
What really drew me to her initially and for a long time was how sweet she was. She was very calm and easy to talk to. She was very understanding. And although she didn’t do a ton of communication I found her to be very rational and a good listener. My ex wife was extremely bossy and controlling (like an OCD level control freak) and it was her way or the highway, so I found my girlfriend to be a breathe of fresh air.
Fast forward to now…. Since moving in together , although there were signs before, she is an absolute neat freak to another degree. We have two dogs, so it’s understandable the house needs some TLC as far as dog hair goes and stuff. However, somehow this turned to her expecting the house to be vacuumed before she comes home from work (I work a high intensity senior level IT director position from home), and if there’s even a dish on the CLEAN side of the sink, it’s just a barrage of nagging as soon as she walks in the door. “You couldn’t have taken 5 minutes to put the dishes away?”. “You couldn’t have taken out the trash at some point?”. “You couldn’t have finished the laundry while you were here?”. “You couldn’t have taken 20 minutes to vacuum?” And I have tried to explain to her that I am BUSY working. If I get to do stuff then great, but it cannot be an expectation or burden put on me. I told her I’m happy to clean and help when she comes home and when I’m done working. Nonetheless it’s like she begrudgingly will agree, but the very next day after said conversation she will completely shift moods and start nagging again and cleaning whatever the thing that bothers her. Like she can’t be content with things in a transitionary state or not completely clean. And she will reinforce she thinks I could have done it.
Now where I am really concerned is with my kids. She pointed out some small things with my kids that could be improved upon as far as me as a parent. And I think they were good constructive things. Like having better manners, doing more things for themselves. Any parent who has gone through divorce knows that sometimes you try to emotionally overcompensate with your kids, so I appreciated the reality check. But somehow that has turned to her saying something to me and getting mad at me if I do something as simple as go get my shoes for my kids. “REALLY you are his servant now? He can’t get his own shoes?”. “Why are you cleaning up after him you are not his maid” after I pick up like one plate for the kid”. One that was really bad she was complaining about how long it took for me to say goodnight to them “just say goodnight and let them go to sleep ,I don’t understand why you are having a 20 minute conversation with them”. And even the table manners things have gotten more challenging and intense “You need to correct him, he is sitting there chewing with his mouth open that is disgusting”. I have always been more liberal with my kids and fostered a loving relationship even if I haven’t been as strict as I always need to be. She comes from a family that is very traditional and strict.
This all being said – what was once an injection of positivity is now tension between me and my girlfriend and consequently between me and my kids. I am feverishly worried now with my wake up call that I could be pushing my kids away, my own children who have been through a divorce and their own share of hardships and the ones I am charged with protecting. Never have I felt like I’m walking on egg shells around my kids nor have I thought they feel that way towards me, but that’s starting to feel different now. And I am certainly constantly on alert edge and eggshells around my girlfriend. I have tried talking to her and enforcing my boundaries and she is very stubbornly not changing much . I need advice on how to handle this situation
33 comments
OP.
Locate your spine and *politely* inform your other half to back the fuck off and then state some ***healthy*** boundaries for yourself.
You see much more about a person when you live with them. I’m sure you’ve already discussed with her how she is affecting the household. So if things are not going to change, you have to make a decision. Always decide for the best of your children.
There are multiple separate issues, and separate discussions.
First, work.
Explain what you working from home, but you cannot do anything else, except putting your plate in dishwasher . Talk what and when could be done. Say, agree to unload dishwasher in the morning before work, buy robot vacuum and schedule to run during the day, schedule a maid once a week, split up the rest in the free time.
With kids, I feel she might have points. Having loving relationship does not mean not to teach kids basic skills. Putting their plates away after eating is a bare minimum of chores.
Chewing with his mouth open might be bad manners ( and 7 is a bit too late for that) and gentle reminder should help, or need to check his breathing ( sinus issues?? ) and actually get attention. You will do a disservice to kid to let him chew like that.
That being said, you need to discuss boundaries on parenting, what she can and cannot do. Agree on common set of rules and way to enforce them, and ask her to bring other stuff to your attention first, unless it’s really needs immediate action.
There is a lot to unpack in this post but the thing that stood out the most was the very odd and strong reaction to saying goodnight to your children. It comes across as if she is jealous of your relationship with them which would foster a negative environment for everyone involved.
She is also being quite judgmental and demeaning. She doesn’t think you work hard during the day, she doesn’t think you know how to raise your kids, she doesn’t think you can maintain a home.
My advice would be that it is time for a strong conversation about how she is treating you and your expectations for change going forward. If affordable for you it would also probably help to get some couples counselling.
At the end of the day do whatever is best for your children.
First she should NEVER criticize you in front of the children. One more discussion after the kids are gone or to bed laying down your boundaries. Only this time will be the consequences of crossing the boundaries, you will ask her to move out. You can still work on your relationship but it will be living apart.
Yeah….I’m not one to throw around “break up with them!!” but in this case, that’s why I recommend. This is more than nagging, it’s more controlling behavior and it will only get worse. You’ve asked her to ease up and she won’t, based on not letting it go that you haven’t cleaned while at work, so it’s past the point of “trying” to set boundaries anymore
>Never have I felt like I’m walking on egg shells around my kids nor have I thought they feel that way towards me, but that’s starting to feel different now
This is not acceptable. Your kids are not comfortable in their home (your home is theirs too) and NOTHING is more important than your kids’ mental health. Your girlfriend is not a “neat freak”, she is an abusive, controlling asshole who is a menace to the peaceful enjoyment of your home and kids. Whatever financial arrangements you made regarding this new house need to be unraveled as quickly as possible.
This isn’t going to work. She sounds controlling and obsessive-compulsive. Break up now and spare your children the agony of constant criticism.
Sounds like she is turning into your x. When people show you who they are, believe them. She sounds insufferable
It sounds like you’re with another controlling person. How long have you been living together?
You can try counseling, but don’t let this go on for much longer because it is damaging your relationship with your children. Sit her down, look her in the eye and tell her things need to change. If she won’t go to counseling or won’t agree to make changes, you need to tell her to move out.
Buddy you divorced a nightmare just to move another nightmare in? Stay away from women for a while because it seems like you can’t pick them
So, you shouldn’t be your kid’s servant, but she is turning you into her servant. She is getting worse and affecting with your relationship with your children. The two of you are not compatible. Get counseling before it gets any worse. You should seriously consider getting her out of your lives.
She sure has a lot of opinions on parenting for someone who has no kids herself.
She is NOT a keeper.
Of course these comments are affecting your children. Think of them and ask her to move out. If she doesn’t agree, put the house up for sale and split the profit. Move your stuff out. This is not healthy for those kids and she is making them suffer
You need to have a come to Jesus meeting with her and explain that you are not willing to raise your children in a toxic environment and that is what this situation is quickly becoming. If you think the relationship is salvageable, try to make some compromises, like you’ll do certain chores on certain days that you have more time, etc. It seems like you’ve already done this though. You definitely need to make it clear that her telling you how long to spend with your child in any instance is not acceptable and you’re not going to tolerate it anymore. Enforce healthy boundaries and if she isn’t willing to respect that you’ll need to start making plans for your future that don’t include her.
If you’re feeling this way, imagine how bad your kids are feeling.
She will not change. She doesn’t want to. The only option left is to end the relationship. [Boundaries](https://www.thecandidly.com/2019/if-you-still-dont-get-boundaries-this-one-idea-might-change-everything) are not about forcing someone else to act a way: they’re about how you respond to what is happening.
Kick her out. It is a train wreck
>One that was really bad she was complaining about how long it took for me to say goodnight to them “just say goodnight and let them go to sleep ,I don’t understand why you are having a 20 minute conversation with them”.
As a parent myself – this one really got to me. It’s not just about ‘saying goodnight ‘. As this is an everyday thing, this is your individual time with each child. This is extremely important.
With my daughter, we talk best in the car when just the two of us go for a drive.
With my son, it’s at a really random time when it’s just the two of us watching a YouTube video.
Why does she have such a problem with you talking to your kids for 20mins in the evening?
That’s the first thing question I would ask.
You are in the same situation as you were with your ex.
It’s heartbreaking to think of your precious children walking on eggshells around you. You need to break up with her.
Im sure if costs were not an issue she would send the kids to boarding school. Just end it
Either she duped you or you only saw what you wanted to see because there’s nothing sweet, calm, or easy to talk to about this woman. She’s just a slightly different version of your ex-wife. This dynamic is not healthy for your kids and it’s definitely going to deeply impact them at their ages.
I think you should cut your losses with this one and avoid romantic relationships for a couple of years. You jumped from one long-term relationship with a domineering woman straight into another one, and you don’t seem to trust your own mind. Maybe do some therapy to work on why you’re drawn to super-controlling women and just focus on being a dad for a while.
FUCK BOUNDARIES, BREAK THE HELL UP.
Get some therapy because you do have a type, and this “type” IS NOT GOOD FOR YOU OR YOUR KIDS.
If you grew up with trauma and this trauma spilled into the type of women you were attracted to 🛎🛎🛎🛎🛎 DING DING WE FOUND THE SOURCE OF YOUR PROBLEM.
Ditch wicked step mom.
I have seen it here time and time again, the new spouse seems like they are being a little hard in the steroids. Then the biological parent has a real heart to heart with their children and finds out all the horrible things that have been going on that they didn’t know about and that the kids felt too uncomfortable to tell them.
Guess what, it’s time for a get real conversation with your kids. Then have one with yourself. You picked your ex all over again. Why? Look within and figure out how to do better in the future because this one isn’t going to last.
Chose your kids, she has to go.
My ex step mom sounds exactly like how your girlfriend is acting and from the perspective of a child that went through that, it did have an effect on me. I ended up not speaking to my dad for several years as an adult for not stepping in when she started overstepping boundaries. Now, of course your situation is different than mine was but I figured some perspective from someone who was in a similar situation as a child might offer some insight.
Her true colors are coming out
It sounds like her behavior is only going to escalate. You need to give her a deadline to move out. I’m sorry for the pain for both of you. Your children come first. ALWAYS
End the relationship immediately. You have to put the kids first. She’s a control freak, and dominant, which is why she is with a softee younger guy. Normally ok, but not with the kids.
This isn’t going to work out dude.
If I do break up with her… how do I repair the situation for my kids? Obviously they would be sad she is not here anymore, but I am more talking about the idea that I have caused some trauma to them at least for a few months. Nothing has been particularly bad in what I’ve done but it has been hard on them compared to what they were use to me prior to her moving in
No good.
She is not their parent.
In fact she has no experience being anyone’s parent.
She is definitely hurting your children.
And ruining any parenting relationship you had with your children.
She also seems to be hurting you and her relationship with you.
Why would you allow this to happen?
Speaking as someone who has dealt with overly critical step parents, please break up with this woman. Your kids are especially vulnerable post-divorce, and this woman sounds like a nightmare. Just think—this is the honeymoon period right now. Things will only get worse the longer you’re together. Trust me, you do not want to experience the damage she will wreak on your relationship with your children.
Communicate that if she has a problem with something that you didn’t get around to doing, then she cleans it without comment if it’s bothering her so much! Start ignoring and dismissing her nagging. Stick to your guns and only do what you can when you have the time, tell her you refuse to let housework that’s not going anywhere, distract you while you’re WORKING. Another conversation you can have is that she works with the way you parent or she can leave. She is a control freak, have a very firm conversation that if she doesn’t relax on these things then you can’t be with her.