I (f, mid 20s) was hanging out with my boyfriend (m, mid 20’s) and i noticed today, like many other times, he was all over the damn place. Thinking about this or that work stuff, mind 1000 miles away going 10000 mph. Generally speaking in our relationship (about 1.5 yrs) , he’s the busy morning person get er done kinda workaholicky guy, and im a lot more of a chiller.. its often much easier for me to drop into the moment for affection and quality of presence. I was playfully like ya know, hellLLOOOO give me attentions. This was not a heavy or tense moment by any means. There have been tense moments with this in the past, but this time it wasn’t feeling so emotionally charged. In this moment, I felt accepting of how he is like this sometimes, and was just kinda light heartedly poking fun at him while he was admitting to it, and also kind of poking fun at himself for it too.
Whimsically, 10 mins before his friend was to come over, I decided to start touching him, while he laid on his stomach, mind still miles away. I rolled him over and started going down on him.. pulling him out of his head into the moment. I moved quick, found myself ready to have sex and did that with the intention of making him cum. He did, rather quickly, and his entire vibe was different afterwards. He was attentive, present, calm. This was kind of an “aha!” moment for me, because I wasnt actually intending to fuck him into clarity of mind. I was just having some fun with him. I pointed this out, and i asked him if he needs me to make him cum sometimes (or, ya know, just cum) in order to be more physically capable of slowing down and being present and attentive with me. He closed his eyes and half smiled, expressing with his words and expression essentially- “yeah, thats kinda true :p i dont want it to be true, but its true”
A little back story, i wont give all the details for sake of brevity, he and i can struggle to keep sex going sometimes because of our different sexual needs. I would say his level of sexual need and libido is higher and more consistent than mine. Sometimes we reach this impasse where I need him to be more present with me non sexually in order for me to want to do anything sexual, while he needs to do sexual things w me in order to be able to be present with me. This absolutely has strained our relationship, and sometimes we will sit in this impasse for weeks without any sexy time. He recently told me he was struggling with his sexual needs being met in the relationship when this happens. He feels kind of cast out to the wolves to cum by himself all the time. He never hints that this would make him want to leave me or says it to pressure me. He’s just expressing how he feels, which I appreciate. I wasn’t sure of exactly what he meant by sexual needs, but now I am understanding more that he just wants (and needs?) my help with his sexual release, as it helps him a lot with his quality of presence, as a partner and otherwise.
Truthfully, my reaction to this in the moment when I am kind of feeling upset and at the end of my rope not feeling connected to my partner and frustrated with myself for not showing up for him sexually and getting to show him I love him in this way, is that I’ll feel a bit like a used napkin actually. I am literally struggling with the notion of meeting my male partner’s sexual needs, for fear of being objectified. I have been used and objectified by men before, have been on the queerer side before this relationship, have struggled with being open minded towards men’s sexual needs. I am trying with him to be a lot more understanding of and compassionate for our difference in sexual needs without ignoring my own needs and hurting myself more. But also, I am attempting to expand my understanding of men’s sexual needs in general.. y’all, i am realizing the one of the zeitgeists of our times feels to be denial of the straight man’s experience, and just.. man hating in general. As someone who has fallen into these lines of thinking in reaction to my own trauma with men, I am seeing the ways some of my beliefs around mens needs dont actually lead to a validating and safe space for men, and it’s in ways coloring my approach to relating to my partner. This is not at all intended to deny feminism and the reality of living within the patriarchy. But I just dont feel anyone benefits from anyone invalidating anyone’s needs.
I am open to thoughts on this topic or the story, men’s experiences, women (and others’) experiences with their penis-having partner’s needs, advice on how to approach meeting my partner’s needs without denying myself, and negotiating validating men’s needs in general into my perspective. Also, the need I have described my partner having – is this need kinda typical for penis-havin people? How can I also meet my partners needs to orgasm a certain amount w me, without feeling like a used napkin? what’s worked for you guys out there?
3 comments
I’m mobile and can’t answer how I want to but the fact that you’ve written this lovely synopsis of your relationship is very positive.
There’s a lot going on here, probably more than my usual few lines of advice can cover. This is worthy of discussion, for sure.
One of the beneficial effects of sex in general and orgasm in specific is that the brain releases dopamine. Dopamine is the major brain chemical that controls attention and focus and is a big part of the brain’s reward system, so it’s not surprising that an orgasm can have this kind of effect. (There might actually be a neurochemical basis for post-nut clarity, y’all!)
The other thing I wanted to talk about: validation of our experiences shouldn’t be a zero sum game. We don’t have to deny your experiences to validate mine, and vice versa. There’s a lot here to unpack, and I’m not sure I’m the right person for the job, but I hope someone is.
Oldish penis-haver here
I see a couple things.
1. Your need for his attention.
2. Both of your needs for sexual intimacy
3. Both of your needs for sexual satisfaction.
ok, thats 3 but I’m spitballin here.
I think its best to separate them. Your need for attention is real, and is a part of you. Some of the best advice I’ve ever been given is :* Don’t deny your own needs in the interest of peace in a relationship.* You think you are a nice person, but if your needs are being unmet, none of us are nice.
Of course negotiation comes in, but its not good for either of you do deny what you need. Imagine someone acting like they don’t need to eat. They can pretend for a while, but eventually. Now its crucial to separate out the wants, from the need.
It was a big relief to sit down with my person and each share our lists of needs. And then say “Can you do that? Are you willing to do this? Because, I need it. ” And every few of years we do it again.
Your need for his attention – that may be a need, and if so, its not changing and he might really need to understand that better. Of course you have to let him know what’s needs and whats ‘would be nice’. But if you need a guy who has x amount of time for you. You don’t do him any favors by pretending you don’t, until you just can’t take it anymore.
The good thing about being raw about that is that if he has a need to _not do that, you guys can find out now, and save yourself heartache..
Ok the fun sex stuff..
I think everyone would enjoy that type of treat if they knew it was an option. Here’s the deal I see – make a deal to not give each other grief about it. You both want to make each other super happy.
Let’s say he knows you really like a glass of ice water in the evening. Is there anything wrong with him bringing one to you when he remembers? Should he ever give you a hard time about ‘you and your water?’ no. The sex is similar, if a couple can just acknowledge partner A getting pleased and partner B getting pleased are two separate things, and both can say, (within reason) ‘I want to please you some times’. You will have beautiful thing. He can offer you a treat pleasure when he feels like giving it, and you could do the same.
Sometimes people turn that into expectations, but that is a relationship issue not a sex issue, it might as well be putting the dishes in the dishwasher, or picking up dirty socks. All giving is not cool. All taking is mean. When it works great you _both are happy to give when you can.
tl;dr
Yes guys want that a lot. I’m not sure it’s ‘magical’ for your bf, but it does have a way of reminding a guy of priorities. If you think it will keep him being a better person (less stressed, more focused, relaxed) maybe not so much.
If you mind doing it, don’t. If you don’t mind, then treat it like a gift and give it without expectation. Hopefully he will feel your love and acceptance and do the same for you.