My friend and I have been friends for a long time. Recently she’s been going through a bad patch of mental health and I try my best to be there for her but it never seems to be good enough and she refuses to get help.
When I’m free I ask her if she wants to do anything or if she wants to see me and she says ‘I don’t know’ so I say okay just let me know then she ignores me all day then I get random phone calls and texts when I’m at work with her saying she doesn’t want to be here anymore, she’s going to take a knife and hurt herself and that nobody cares about her.
After telling me she’s busy or doesn’t want to see me I will make other plans and then she will text me saying she needs someone right now and she can’t be on her own and that I never answered my phone to her when she needed me. I work full time and care for a family member… I have told her she needs to see professional help and that I can be there to listen to her and I can come and visit her when I can but I cannot cure her mental health.
When she threatened to harm herself I told her to go to the hospital, that I would take her and she said no nobody will help her. She’s been staying with this guy who’s just as bad but she claims to ‘love’ him. He tells her she’s better off dead, that she should hurt herself and I’m honestly at the point of just walking away now as selfish as it sounds. I’m exhausted trying to tell her to get help. When she’s staying with him and he’s in a good mood and happy I don’t hear from her, when he’s kicked her out or is throwing stuff at her she phoned me crying.
I’ve now been put in a position where she’s saying she’s sitting in a field crying with nowhere to go because he’s threw her out once again and I have made plans to see a friend I haven’t seen in months. I live in my parents house and my friend could easily go home to her own parents but she refuses and keeps telling me she has nowhere to stay. Im just at breaking point with this drama.
My partner and I recently broke up and I suffered with my mental health for a while but this is a whole different level.
TL:DR my friend keeps putting her mental health issues on me, won’t get help and refuses to get therapy or take her meds. Stays with a guy who is abusive then expects me to drop everything I’m doing to help her every time they fall out or he throws her out. I’m all for helping my friend but she won’t help herself and I don’t know what to do anymore.
4 comments
You’re not the selfish one in this friendship. Your friend expects you to drop everything at her whim just so you can listen to her not do anything to improve her life. That’s what being selfish looks like.
This isn’t even a friendship any more. I think you should stop making yourself available for her.
Okay this is what I’d do… next time she rings text and say I can’t answer what’s up? When she messages you about wanting to end her life then ring emergency services and ask them to go see her and you’re so worried. 1. It’ll show her that there is people out there willing to help her 2. IF she is doing it just for attention seeking then she’ll think twice about doing it again. The girl needs therapy and help and sometimes you got to hit rock bottom to get that final wake up call. You’re not selfish for walking away here. She needs to get her life together. Suggest the book, “Manifesting 7 steps to living your best life” it’s a really good book and the author got into manifesting once she hit rock bottom in a drug addiction she then manifested unconditional love a few months later she met her husband and 1 year on from the day they met she gave birth to her son “unconditional love”. Perhaps It’ll help you also.
You cannot be a friend and a counsellor, also as others have said she nerds professional help. Encourage her to seek it.
You will get burn out.
First, I’m sorry. It is overwhelming.
Secondly, remember that your friend is not seeing herself or her life or her circumstances clearly, and her relationship and living situation are likely partly the cause and is, at least, exacerbating her existing issues.
Thirdly, while it feels personal, try to not take it personally. That is likely the hardest. But, keep reminding yourself that she is not fully connected to reality.
Fourth, you have to really sit and think and evaluate… How important is this person to you? And, how important is it that she receives help? If she were not so troubling and frustrating to you right now, it would seem that you would answer that both are extremely important.
If it is really important, you will have to decide that you are OK with her being upset with you for a while (or even forever) if it is in exchange for you protecting her, trying to do what is best for her, and doing something that might seem big and grand and extraordinary. This means you will need to contact the police and/or social services help in your area and pull the trigger on getting the necessary emergency help for her. (Or, if you trust them to do the right thing, you contact her family and give them the responsibility.)
Beyond that, there isn’t much else you can do… until she is more stable. When she is, she will need time and encouragement. But not from you only. This needs to be a team effort with others, so I think her family needs to know no matter what.
We don’t know your education, career, or training, but you are likely not qualified to handle what is going on with her… so, of course, it is too much. She needs help equivalent to the trouble she is currently in. And, her troubles are way way past a good friend just being a good listener. She needs shelter. She needs safety. She needs consistency. And, then she needs therapy and/or medicine. She will receive that only in a medical facility or with a qualified outpatient program while living with stable family or friends. Not you. You’re not in a place to give more than that right now after your resources have already been exhausted.
With the words and phrases she is using and behavior she is exhibiting, don’t be afraid to make the big call. Many of us will confirm for you (and give you permission) that it seems that is what is needed here. Once she has her basic needs met and then while medical/emotional issues addressed, I hope you can have a good rest and recuperation time to rebuild what you feel you’ve lost in helping her.
And, it may not “stick” the first time. There may be setbacks. And, she may not even want to accept the help. At least your conscience will be clear that you did what needed to be done when she was at this spot…. and then you can re-evaluate as time goes on about how much time and energy you can give to this friendship – which is what all of us need to do as adults, emotional/mental health issues or not.