To give some background; we’ve been together for approaching 4 months, she’s practically moved in and it’s working, I don’t want any opinions on how quick that is etc. – I’m aware. She broke up with her ex (50-something M) just over a year ago, though I’m not entirely sure on the timeline and I have to admit I’m not really bothered by it. She’s been living in a glass closet and has always been attracted to women despite being with men; I’m not doubting her sexuality and I feel confident in her feelings about/towards me.
They were together for around 1.5 years and her ex, by all accounts, was not a particularly great person. He lied about his age when they met, and he was controlling/manipulative. She was never really happy with him but due to covid and other things ended up somewhat trapped. He bought the dog when they hadn’t been together very long, as a surprise, and the little spaniel became her lifeline in what sounds like a very fraught relationship. Since we’ve been together she’s mentioned him (the dog) almost every day, and has said a number of times how much she misses him, she gets quite upset when she sees photos or talks about him and it really is very evident she loves this animal; something I really relate to as I have two cats I almost lost in my split and I can’t imagine not having them around.
Fast forward to now: Out of the blue her ex has asked her if she wants to see the dog and she’s asked me if that’s alright, she’s said she categorically wants nothing to do with her ex but she really wants to see the animal. I understand how she feels, so I’ve said yes…. but the more I think the more I do feel weird about it.
I want to stress the trust I have for her and that I am absolutely certain this isn’t her trying to lead me on while she investigates her options or checks she doesn’t want to be back with him. I truly believe there is no malicious behaviour on her part in this, but the doubt I do have is based around her ex – and his intentions.
All her interaction with him has been unpleasant since they’ve split and he’s been rude and aggressive over nothing even in the last few weeks. So this sudden olive branch seems like some sort of emotional blackmail or manipulation. I’m also worried that if I try and stress this it might come off wrong, and that might be what he’s hoping for – that her new partner won’t be okay with it and that he can use that to interfere somehow in her happiness. I’m also a little concerned about how this might go forwards; will it end up a regular thing or will this be a one time deal and then she’s back at square one with the raw emotions, losing any progress she’s made in moving on and getting over losing the dog in the first place?
I don’t really know how to bring this up or have the conversation without coming off jealous, and I don’t want to seem like I’m being distrustful of her, but I don’t know if I can ignore it – if only because I don’t want her to be hurt again by this… Additionally I’m not sure what right I have to feel the way I do? If I should just let it happen and deal with the possible consequence.
TL;DR:
My girlfriend wants to see the dog she had with her ex, I’m not sure his intentions are right in this and it’s making me uncomfortable. Do I address this with her or let it play out?
4 comments
I can understand that people have various ways of dealing with past relationships, especially when it comes to pets. In my own experiences, I’ve never felt the desire to see my ex’s pets after a breakup. However, it’s important to remember that everyone’s circumstances and emotions are unique.
In your girlfriend’s case, it’s possible that she’s seeking some form of closure or connection with her past by wanting to see the dog she shared with her ex. While it may make you uncomfortable, outright denying her request could potentially cast you as the “bad guy” in her eyes.
Instead, I suggest expressing your feelings openly and honestly. Let her know that you feel a bit uneasy about the situation and that you trust her intentions, but you also want to ensure her emotional well-being. Her response and willingness to consider your feelings can provide valuable insights into the situation and her commitment to your relationship.
I mean, she’s not an idiot, right? I think you over thinking this a bit, unless you also think she is a naive moron.
She is probably also aware that this is very likely manipulative on his part. She likely suspects that this is not something he’s doing out of the goodness of his heart.
So this isn’t jealously, this is just saying out loud that neither of you are complete morons.
And while you hope she enjoys her time with the dog you both need to be prepared for the other shoe to drop. He has a motivation. It is *unlikely* that motivation is purely friendly. She may hope for that, but reasonably, that is *unlikely*.
You can and should, absolutely express your concern that a person who has treated her poorly before, will continue to treat her poorly, and is using her love of the dog as a method to gain access to her.
Don’t tell her what to do. She needs to walk this path herself and accept the consequences for re-engaging with him, but also don’t pretend that either of you *are dumb*. This is very transparent and it has some risks. Name the risks. Communicate openly.
Nope mate, make no mistake she is angling to see her ex. This has nothing to do with a dog.
Tell her you are a little worried about her safety/emotional well being because of how nasty her ex is. Maybe she can bring a friend.