There’s a long backstory here, but the short version is, my partner Amy and I were together, broke up, and are working at reconciling and currently long distance. We had to leave our city due to her visa expiring and the visa offices closing in Covid, and she left a bunch of stuff – four giant duffel-bag size bins – at a friend Joan’s place. (not someone she knew well – it was a pretty recent acquaintance that had been a former roommate. I didn’t know Joan that well either).
I received a message from Joan today that she can’t store Amy’s stuff any longer and Amy has not been responding to her messages. I told her I’d see what I could do and I messaged Amy a screenshot of the message and asked how I can support her here.
Amy called me and we had a long talk about it. Amy said the first message came just 4 days ago and she didn’t read it as she was at a weekend retreat. Then there was a second and a third message that were angry and rude and she got shocked and overwhelmed and didn’t respond. She expressed outrage that Joan would suddenly “turn on her” and “bully” her, and that Joan seemed really crazy and unstable. She also noted that Joan was really nice to me in the message she sent tonight, but that Joan had earlier disliked me when she met me and had told Amy she could do better. This was news to me.
Speaking personally, it does seem like Joan was a little aggressive and hasty, but even so I wouldn’t dare take a position of outrage here when a friend had stored a giant load of my stuff for free during the pandemic. I was pretty careful not to criticize Amy, but I think she could sense what I was thinking, she said she felt like I was judging her and she wanted me to be on her side. I told her I didn’t want to enflame conflict and just wanted to get the situation resolved so her stuff was ok.
I tried to be gentle and supportive with Amy and offered to help find a storage company that can pick it up if she could ask Joan for the address.In the end she asked me if I could deal with Joan and get the address because she was scared and didn’t want to deal with her. I agreed. But I was disappointed that this had become my problem to solve.
So this feels like a minor issue, but I guess there’s a bigger concern. It’s been my observation that Amy has a hard time taking responsibility for herself when she’s in a conflict and will attack the character of the other person. I’ve heard her do this to other people in our circle (privately to me to vent) and she did it to me when we fought which is one of the reasons I left. AND this is not the first time someone has been trying to contact her about something they needed her for and has ended up reaching out to me in frustration because she’s ghosted them.
I’m supposed to move to her country in a few months and to be honest I’m scared. I’m wondering if I’m making a mountain out of a molehill as an expression of my nervousness around that. Or – is this something to be majorly concerned about? Should I talk to her about it (and risk a fight with Amy for not taking her side?), or let it go?
TL;DR: My partner is in a conflict with her friend and I’m finding myself having a judgmental reaction. How should I handle it?
26 comments
Yeesh. Does Amy want her stuff back or not? This never had to be a big issue. If Amy responded with appreciation and was apologetic, it’d probably be fine. She’s acting super avoidant and obviously hasn’t learned from the past times this has happened. I’m surprised she’s 41 and still doing things like this.
It’s unclear why you’re moving to Amy’s country when you’re still ‘working on reconciling’ (unless you’re moving there for another reason, like work). It seems like you could find someone who actually deals with their issues head-on and doesn’t repeat the same patterns that caused you to leave in the first place.
This is exactly why it’s rare for things to work out after you’ve broken up once. People generally stay the same people they were before the breakup, so you just get stuck in a loop.
If you’re moving for her, throw the brakes and step back until and unless she gets a handle on herself. If you’re not moving for her, bring this issue up and remind her this is one facet of why you broke up, and it’s causing problems again.
If you feel the two of you don’t have healthy ways to resolve conflicts between each other, that’s an issue on its own, but will be compounded even more if you move to her country. Unless you have established friends there and are able to safely find a place to stay should things go south, it’s not going to go well if you have to be careful about what you say or do to avoid potential arguments. Every couple has arguments and there’s healthy ways to go about them, but if you don’t have that then you’re not in a good place.
If Amy’s reaction is the first time it ever happened then I’d be inclined to not think much of it, but if this is a pattern, then you’re correct to be alarmed by it. As for what you should do, that’s up to you. I’d be concerned about moving without knowing how to settle arguments properly, but it’s also something you could work on when you get there.
Amy is acting ridiculously about this storage issue, and if you’ve noticed a pattern of her villainizing others over trivial things, I’d be worried.
I’m also worried about the whole tone of your interaction with her — it seems like you reeeaally have to tiptoe around her emotions so as not to upset her.
If she’s the only reason you’re moving to a different country, well… I would really examine if that’s a good idea at this stage of your reconciliation.
The agreement you have in this relationship currently is that you quietly accept the character attacks she places on anyone who seems to be inconveniencing her, and then bail her out.
You also don’t trust her judgement or her words. You are skeptical of her version of events, and of her bringing up that Joan was critical of you only now when it supports her newfound dislike of Joan. Which is worse than just skepticism, that is shit-stirring up think she’s up to.
And that wouldn’t be such a big problem, except she demands complete agreement with her version of events, and turns on your character, if she senses she’s not getting it.
So you have a shitty agreement, and you don’t trust her.
You broke up for valid reasons. What has actually changed about those reasons?
I know many people that are conflict avoidant. It’s generally something you’ll have to deal with. Does she pick off slack in the relationship or in other ways?
I think Amy has avoidance issues and this is a red flag if you plan to have a future with her. Which if you’re moving to her country, it does. I would think twice. It could be part of an undiagnosed condition, or a maturity issue but either way, do you want to be the one picking up the slack?
It sounds like Amy is very conflict avoidant. Maybe she has anxiety, maybe she just never learned how to handle conflicts well in life, maybe she’s a chronic people pleaser who can’t handle the shame of upsetting an acquaintance she didn’t know well enough. It’s a red flag, but not necessarily a sign of being a horrible person.
I personally struggle with severe social anxiety and if a friend of mine sent me “angry” messages or messages that I interpreted as being angry, I would struggle with how to handle the situation going forward.
Foisting it on you is kind of a cop out. She’s an adult and even if you don’t want to handle conflict you gotta put on your big boy/girl pants and deal with it.
I will say, conflict avoidant people who have found someone willing to do the dirty work will likely keep asking that person for help until they get sick of it. Also, it doesn’t bode well for a relationship if she prefers ignoring or avoiding conflict between the two of you.
Did Amy have no plan to EVER get those bags back? The closures phase of COVID was over a year ago in my country so I’m wondering how long those bags had been at her friend’s place? If I was an acquaintance or friend I’d be annoyed too.
As for you guys, you should communicate to her what you’re seeing and experiencing and how you’re feeling about it. If she listens, understands and wants to change that’s one thing. If she’s dismissive and a jerk about it well then you can decide what choice to make knowing that.
You’ve only heard one side. Perhaps there’s been warnings in the past about moving the stuff before this. I also don’t think it’s hasty because Joan’s house isn’t a storage unit and it’s selfish go expect stuff to stay there indefinitely.
There’s a lot of context missing here. How long have you been dating? Have you ever lived together? Can you think of other times Amy has snapped? Does she often shift blame to others? How would you feel if she ignored your messages because “work retreat”. She sounds selfish, like a bad communicator and frankly immature for a woman in her 40s.
You are here on Reddit asking for advice about your relationship. Obviously you are concerned. You stated that this is a recurring issue with her. I would be worried about staying in a relationship with someone whose default setting is avoidance and hostility. Think long and hard before moving with her.
I’d be worried. I dated someone who displayed a similar pattern of behavior (villainizing other folks if there was a conflict). You mentioned she had done something like that to you before. She’ll probably do it again – kinda goes in hand with NPD or another cluster b personality disorder.
If she’s unwilling (or unable) to accept responsibility for her actions – even with small things like this – imagine what it will be like when something major comes along? Please move on from this woman.
>even so I wouldn’t dare take a position of outrage here when a friend had stored a giant load of my stuff for free ~~during the pandemic~~for over three years
I just unloaded a dresser I’d had for my mom for a year and omg it was cluttering me up so much! I think you’re right about this approach. And to be concerned with the pattern you’ve noticed. At the same time, couples often balance each other out on things, and pick up for each others’ slack. If she can pitch in once you get the ball rolling, would that be enough? If she’s grateful for what you do for her here and in similar situations, would that make it worthwhile? **Does she do things for you the way you do these things for her?**
Being overwhelmed by conflict and going to irrational lengths to avoid it is a thing. I’ve done it. I see people do it. It is a bad choice that a good person can make on occasion, or regularly, depending on what else is going on.
It is the kind of thing that can be improved with some skill building and practice, and once it’s dealt with I bet Amy will stop needing to justify her behavior by making the other parities involved into bad guys.
BUT. Her bad choices are having negative consequences on you and it seems like it would make sense to see if she’s willing to address the issue and learn some new coping skills before you move to another country.
Sounds a lot like the avoidance issues I had as a young adult. I would be too nervous about bills coming in, so I wouldn’t open the mail for months for example. Afraid of what friends would say if I don’t text back right away, so obviously the answer was to never text back and let those friendships die every time.
I had to deal with these issues between the ages of approximately 20-26 before I couldn’t keep living that way and making my wife bail me out of so many things and addressed it, worked hard, got a little therapy, and really don’t have that issue any more.
I’m 100% certain if I did nothing about this personality defect until I was 40, it would have been almost impossible to break the habits.
So that’s my 2 cents, it sounds exactly like a personality defect I very much had. So it can be changed, if she wants to. But also, everybody has issues and faults, up to you to decide if it’s a deal breaker or if you’re willing to help her with social things like this that she is scared of and wants to avoid.
So you’re cleaning up the mess because your gf doesn’t take responsibility for herself. She would rather attack the person than solve a pretty simple and straightforward problem. aaand she’s done this to you before which is why you broke up once before.
Why are you still willing to even bother at this point?
Absolutely do not let this go. Talk to her about it. She probably won’t be receptive, but ask her to think about it and revisit the topic again at another time. This isn’t a deal breaker if she can maturely look at herself and see where she needs to grow and change. I would also suggest to her she sees a counselor about this. If she flatly refuses to listen and doesn’t see how she’s in the wrong then I would not move and would probably end things.
Some of Amy’s responses sounds like she might have anxiety (the not responding because you’re overwhelmed or think someone’s mad at you so responding will only make it worst), but definitely not the trash talking and refusing to take accountability. That said, it should still be on her to manage it, which she clearly isn’t.
This pattern of Amy refusing to acknowledge what makes her uncomfortable and ends up with you cleaning it up will keep happening. You should talk to her about and if it turns into a fight really evaluate if that’s how you want to spend your life, either always being the fix guy for Amy or fighting anytime you bring up a valid concern.
You sound very emotionally immature and self centred. I’m getting narc abuser vibes from you for sure. The woman was aggressive to your partner for no good reason and instead of standing up for her and just helping her sort it out with someone who is being unreasonably aggressive to her and nice to you just shows your mean sprited character. You should have absolutely stood up for your partner and taken care of it. What kind of man are you? She’s not attacking the woman’s character, she’s describing someone who is bullying her and being manipulative and crossing a line by contacting you. It’s bullying behaviour by both you and the woman. Of course she might need some time to figure out how to respond to an aggressive unreasonable message. She’s in a different country and the woman has given her no notice to get her things. She sounds aggressive and crazy. Your partner is right. And instead of validating her and protecting her you complaint about her on reddit like an immature child. Trying got get random strangers on side. I don’t think you’re telling the full story here. You seem like an unkind, sneaky and weak person. I think you’re trying to make out like you’re an innocent party. You seem like an abusive manipulator to me, gathering strangers and people bullying her to turn against her. You scream narc abuser. Get your head sorted out and treat your partner better.
Dude, just stand up for your partner against a bully, help her with her stuff and stop being such a baby. Jeesh.
so you mean Joan, who is an ex-roommate that wasn’t even a good friend, has been storing the 4 large bags of items since 2020?
Sure, if it’s been 3 years, Joan could hold off on a second or third text soon after each other, but in reality, she has been pretty patient and good about hanging on to the stuff.
It’s within her privilege if she had just decided to toss it.
As for your part, since you’ve told your gf you’ll handle it, go ahead and do that so your conscience can be OK about it. then decide if you want to make a big move to be with a gf whom you see a particularly big personality issue. it’s OK if you love her enough and want to deal with it.
but if there’s any reasons for doubt of being with her long-term, perhaps you might consider not being together longer.
Amy seems like a perpetual victim so if you wanna move forward with her just prepared to ALWAYS be the bad guy
You’re NOT exaggerating the issue at all. At 41 year old she really shouldn’t be so immature and unable to take responsibility. Joan kept her stuff for YEARS!! And she felt justified to call Joan crazy?
If you marry her, YOU will be the person that she’s making herself a victim of and acting as if she’s scared by, to everyone else around her.
If this is a part of a trend, then it’s not a small issue, just a continuance of a bigger one. If Amy’s reaction to conflict is flight/avoidance, that’s something for you to consider when moving forward. This reaction won’t change, it’s deep set into her personality. Does this work for you? I detected a note of annoyance when you talked about how you are being tasked (again) with handling Amy’s conflict with a friend. Think not about the conflict with them, but what your part is, and what Amy wants your part to be. This could be your role in you guys’ relationship moving forward. If that’s not something you’re comfortable with, don’t continue. Also–its her own damn stuff lol, let her sort the bodies and refer her friend back to Amy. If her things get pitched, that’s on Amy, NOT YOU.
“Amy called me and we had a long talk about it. Amy said the first message came just 4 days ago and she didn’t read it as she was at a weekend retreat. Then there was a second and a third message that were angry and rude and she got shocked and overwhelmed and didn’t respond.”
That’s not a reason to not respond to someone who is doing you a favor. She is right to be angry or rude after her first message was ignored. Maybe it’s not polite, but so is not answering when your friend says they can’t store your stuff any longer. Your girlfriend sounds childish and rude. If she can’t face an acquaintance because of her own fckup, i wonder how she handles disagreements with you. You’re kinda enabling her by agreeing to talk to Joan for her.
How long were you together (and not long distance)? Unless you’re crazy about her it seems unwise to move countries for someone you’re unsure about (unless that’s something you can do lightly, eg portable career, flights etc not much of a financial hit)