Is it bad that I (19f) don’t feel for the guy I’m seeing (19m) as strongly as my last partners?

33 comments

1. I think it’s maturing!

2. It sounds like you are secure in the relationship, sometimes obsessing over someone can make them seem above you but this new guy is giving a more on the same level vibe. Obsession is not the same as love.

   You’re also in the stages of dating where you are getting to know a person more, this doesn’t mean you have to give this relationship your all but weigh what feels right to you and what doesn’t. If at some point you do realize this person isn’t for me, you can move on. This also goes for keeping the romantic relationship going, if it feels good to you keep dating him.

3. i think it’s a combination of many things:

   from what you said: growing up and you already having experienced the novelty of a new relationship twice, it dimishes your excitement.

   also, you say with both the others it ended terribly, so that may have been something, their personalities evoked an intense emotional response which is what people call the spark. but that same personality is not really good for a relationship. now with this new guy, he isn’t like that so he doesn’t make you feel that emotional response.

   if you do enjoy your time with him even if you don’t have that intense obsession, then i would recommend continue to see him and see how it goes

4. OP, you’re only 19, so I don’t think it’s because you’re growing up that you don’t have strong feelings for this man, I think you’re just not that into him. I think, as a 19-year-old with two bad relationships under your belt, you might think that the toxic patterns are normal and this isn’t normal.

   As for the last 2 relationships, by your own admission, they were really strong at first, and those types of relationships tend to be the most toxic because the partner is speed dating by love-bombing, then getting complacent and toxic.

   Does this sound about right?

5. When were your two last relationships? If they were during the height of puberty, well, wacky hormones can make your feelings really intense. Doesn’t mean that’s the normal.

6. [removed]

7. You sound like a buddy of mine. He gets into toxic relationships and loves it… until it gets worse. He then meets someone much more stable and thinks its boring. Then gets into a toxic one again. He knows its stupid but he can’t get out of wanting the drama I guess? Spoiler: it always ends poorly. Usually with more fireworks and drama than anyone should want.

8. I think you may like him as an individual but not romantically? Someone can be attractive but you don’t have to be in love. y’all sound like y’all just get along well, and have nice energy together. like a friend. something like this may grow into you REALLY not liking him, and feeling trapped. like he’s to blame for you forcing yourself.

9. I’d say it’s completely normal. Relationships that start really intense usually end that way as well. This sounds like a healthy, normal start to a relationship from the context you gave.

   From my experience, I had really similar feelings to you before getting with my most recent girlfriend. My first relationship was extremely intense and ended VERY badly. After going through that, finding somebody who I just enjoyed being around made me feel like something was wrong at first, but it ended up being an amazing relationship.

   If you’re enjoying yourself, go out with him more! Maybe you just need some more time to see if you’re really romantically or platonically attracted to him.

10. So yiu might nit like this but I am going to be honest with you. I have been in this sutuation a number of times, the only explanation for this is “YOU ARE NOT THAT INTO HIM”
    Here’s a thing, how do you differentiate between a platonic and a romantic interest. With platonic interest, you just enjoy their company and are happy to see them but with romantic interest especially in the beginning honey phase of the relationship yiu are obsessed with them, obsessed with the foods they like, the kind of cars they like and you know all that stuff.
    I suggest you take some time off, think about it and end it with him if you dont feel that strongly about him. We don’t want you or him wasting time, right honey? Life is short and even shorter to find love.

11. you’re not feeling obsessed because this guy is consistent! this is a healthy relationship and you don’t have the crazy up downs of a toxic relationship that keep you on high alert!

12. When your younger especially teens like 16-17 your emotions are under a magnifying glass making everything just more so guys you love will feel like your entire world everything to you and like you couldn’t live without them but as you grow older you emotions calm down and you don’t feel as um what the right word intense things kinda mellow out like this for me it happened about 21ish if your attracted to this guy physically and emotionally he makes you smile then it sounds like a good relationship for you but try to not compare him to others because this will lead you down a lonely road trust me.

13. In my personal opinion I’d say if you feel like that already it won’t get better lol! But you’re only 19 I would date around an figure out who you’re before you get into anything serious. But heck that’s just an opinion!!

14. Intense highs in the beginning stages of a relationship don’t always indicate real love. I recommend that you look up what “limerence love” is. It’s basically when you put someone so high on a pedestal that it feels like they have no flaws. It can feel like a literal drug. The highs are so incredibly high, but in turn, the lows are so incredibly low. This is an unstable kind of love. This kind of love is more of an obsession. It’s codependency.

    In my first relationship, that is how I felt. It felt like I was in the clouds. But my first boyfriend was a narcissist. I gave him everything I had and he still wanted more. He broke my heart, cheated on me, gaslit me, lied to me, made me feel useless. I was codependent, and I was obsessed with his validation. It was the highest highs I’ve felt in my life, and the lowest of lows.

    Fast forward to my current boyfriend. We have been dating for almost 2 years. He is great to me and I love him so very much. I am so comfortable around him. This feels more like a stable love. I promise you, it is so much better than an emotional rollercoaster.

    I recommend giving this guy a chance. It sounds like you aren’t used to a stable type of love.

15. With past people I had crushes on, I always felt so nervous, obsessive over them, etc. With my current partner of two years, I never felt super anxious or unhealthily obsessed like that. I just felt happy, excited, but calm, secure, not so stressed. I think that’s healthy. Your relationship shouldn’t be built on firey obsession and infatuation. That will never last. What lasts is caring, warmth, affection, mutual respect and compassion, shared values and priorities, and a good ability to talk and have conversations with each other.

16. i met this guy when i was in my early 20’s and he was such a good guy, i was attracted to him, the sex was good, he was hilarious, i liked spending time with him, he had a good family and a great job, and he adored me. and i got so bored of him. there was just no intense feelings of anything, negative or positive. i broke up with him, broke his heart, and dated about 20 duds after him. whom i wasn’t bored with. who i loved so much and was so devastated over every time it ended badly. and they always ended badly. the “harder” i loved someone, the more chaotic the break up was. usually due to lies and cheating. on their end. i realized i was / am attracted to drama. i needed to feel intense love or intense sadness or intense anger and rage, everything else was boring. needless to say i’m almost 50 now, i’ve had twenty “serious” boyfriends, never been married, never had children. i’ve been “in love” and absolutely devastated over 5 break ups, and guess who i’ve thought of most in the last 25 years? the nice boring guy. who has a beautiful wife and three daughters, a nice house and a successful business. that could have been my life but it wasn’t enough for me. i don’t think at 19 you have to settle down, or settle period, but this is something to consider. it’s be worth asking yourself why you like the chaos or love that is obsessive, examine your childhood and why was modelled to you. i don’t think you should hang on to anyone you don’t love, it’s not fair to either one of you, but it is possible you could love him and have a nice year or two or life with him if you can get to the bottom of your feelings and behaviour.

17. Young love is intense and you feel drunk. It’s very hard to replicate so don’t.

18. That’s a classic situation and completely normal when you’ve previously had relationships that were filled with drama. You were likely obsessed with them because they were pulling away from you or you were both very anxiously attached so it brings out stronger emotions in you. If someone is more secure and stable they don’t create this reaction in their partners, and it’s a good sign. Just keep getting to know him and see where it goes, it’s a promising sign if anything.

    If you’re interested, you can learn more by reading about attachment styles. The book “Attached”, with a magnet on the cover is really good.

19. I think it depends. You might be into more toxic types and feel the excitement and obsession with them and not with guys who treat you well. Maybe.

    On the other hand, it’s possible to have a healthy happy relationship and still feel strongly about them. I don’t think you have to sacrifice that or force yourself into something that feels “safe”.

    Someone can be a great person, but not the right fit for you romantically. There doesn’t have to be anything wrong with the guy for you to feel that way. Don’t force it.

20. I have experienced this! The crazy highs of a relationship can be exciting, but they are usually accompanied by those low lows, like what you were describing in how your relationships ended. When I met my husband, I felt about him the way it sounds like you feel about your current boyfriend. I liked being around him and hanging out with him, he was attractive, and he had a lot of good qualities. I worried that I wasn’t “obsessed” with him, so I talked to a friend about it. She asked me how I felt around him. I said I felt happy and at peace. So she asked me how I’d like to feel for the rest of my life, every day. Happy and at peace? Yes please.

21. I think that really depends on you. There isn’t a rule that I’m aware, is all subjective. I think the better question is, are you happy and satisfied? The only people it matters to are the two of you.

22. I would continue. I was the same exact way even tried to convince myself I just wasn’t into him. The more and more I spent time with him, more I enjoyed his company. Then I realize wow I do like him, like a slow love that grows. My past relationships were flings on and off, making me anxious to prove myself to them making me think I wanted them more than I actually did, just toxic. He sounds secure and consistent, which you might not be use too, as I was not. You deserve true secure love, not toxic flings. Your first step to a healthy relationship is realizing something might be wrong in your judgements so I’m proud of you for coming on here. Goodluck!

23. Sounds like a much healthier relationship to me. Embrace that peace you feel with him, even if it means your feelings aren’t as strong. If you know in your heart that he is a great person worthy of your time and love, keep that.

24. I’ll use my recent ex as an example. I obsessed over her every moment was about her. Everything I did was for her. I had a tendency to be “toxic” when I felt I wasn’t given the same energy back that I was displaying. She also had a lot of toxic tendencies as well, but we both had great intentions, I could never read her because she always seemed so like I don’t care but don’t cheat and we are fine like she was just smooth sailing in the relationship we’re it felt like I needed to always try so hard to keep her. I asked her why she acts like that, and she always said she was comfortable in the relationship and had no problems with us. I couldn’t accept that answer and was always in my own head about me always doing something wrong it projected outward and became me always suspicious and not always trusting her my toxic trait and I tend to lie in situations that are emotional another bad trait. I have been in therapy for at least 3 months, and I have improved a lot as a person and what I want for a partner in my future, but I’m still not ready to date and won’t be for awhile. Keep your head up he may be the guy for you!

25. OP this is a well written post. Good job. He seems like a friend zone type. I don’t know why it’s so hard to find a guy you can get passionate about that’s not a jerk. My daughter is your age and has the same issue.

26. It’s not necessarily “bad” that you don’t feel as strongly for the guy you’re currently seeing as you did for your previous partners. Relationships and feelings can vary greatly from person to person and from one relationship to another. It’s important to remember that each relationship is unique, and the intensity of your emotions can differ based on the individual and the circumstances.

    There could be various reasons for this difference in your feelings. It could be because you’re still getting to know each other, or perhaps you have different emotional connections or experiences with this person compared to your previous partners.

    What’s most important is to focus on the quality of the connection you have with your current partner. Are you enjoying spending time together? Do you share common interests and values? Are you both happy and comfortable in the relationship? These are all factors to consider when evaluating the health and potential of a relationship.

    It’s also important to communicate openly and honestly with your partner about your feelings. If you feel comfortable doing so, you can discuss your emotions and see if there are any concerns or areas of improvement in your relationship that you both can work on together.

    Remember that feelings in a relationship can evolve over time, and it’s okay if they don’t match your previous experiences. What’s most important is that you feel content and fulfilled in your current relationship.

27. It’s not necessarily “bad” that you don’t feel as strongly for the guy you’re currently seeing as you did for your previous partners. Relationships and feelings can vary greatly from person to person and from one relationship to another. It’s important to remember that each relationship is unique, and the intensity of your emotions can differ based on the individual and the circumstances.

    There could be various reasons for this difference in your feelings. It could be because you’re still getting to know each other, or perhaps you have different emotional connections or experiences with this person compared to your previous partners.

    What’s most important is to focus on the quality of the connection you have with your current partner. Are you enjoying spending time together? Do you share common interests and values? Are you both happy and comfortable in the relationship? These are all factors to consider when evaluating the health and potential of a relationship.

    It’s also important to communicate openly and honestly with your partner about your feelings. If you feel comfortable doing so, you can discuss your emotions and see if there are any concerns or areas of improvement in your relationship that you both can work on together.

    Remember that feelings in a relationship can evolve over time, and it’s okay if they don’t match your previous experiences. What’s most important is that you feel content and fulfilled in your current relationship.

28. I can deeply relate to what you are experiencing. Please check out the book ” reinventing yourself “. You might have experienced emotional neglect growing up and are now looking for the same with your partner. Thanks!

29. I was like this then figured out I had ADHD and I was actually getting dopamine from the bad toxic relationships, I also see alot of people with ADHD who also are like this they get hyperfocused on the toxic person then when someone normal comes along it’s hard because you’re so used to the toxic relationship and you’re craving the dopamine. You need to figure out when he gives you your dopamine the most and work and communicate on that. I only know with what you read which is exstreamly small but perhaps check out if you are nerodivergent, I’m not saying you are it’s just the words you used and how you felt made me remember how I once was with toxic relationships and only recently did I figure out why. If you’ve always felt like you’ve never quite fit into this world then there’s a chance you’re nerodivergent. But as I said I only seen this small part so it’s hard to say but I rather point it out now so you don’t end up getting into your 30s then figuring it out.

30. So, you’re genuinely enjoying his company instead of having infatuation/obsessive feelings? This is actually a good thing. You’re 19, so I’m going to let you in on something. You cannot maintain the obsession feeling in an actual relationship. It’s literally impossible. What’s not normal is you thinking that being obsessed with someone in a relationship shpuld be normal.

31. Is he more into you than past guys? Not to be rude, but I often loved much more intensely when there was an element of uncertainty like I wasn’t sure if they felt exactly the same , wanted to be together in the future, or some uncertainty like one of us was moving for school. When there’s not so much uncertainty, it is often calmer.

32. I was like that with my current boyfriend right at the start, I was like okay he’s cool but I don’t feel insanely attached – then a switch flipped and I was absolutely obsessed with him, but in a ‘I actually know this person and love everything about them’ type of way not an obsessive, idolised crush way

    it’s been 2 years and that feeling hasn’t gone away, but the ‘honeymoon phase’ ended pretty quickly with the ex partners I felt that initial infatuation with

    You’ve got something real, I’d see where it goes 🙂

33. Yes, it is 100% normal.