Hey all, so me and my wife have been together for nearly 5 years now, (just married a month ago), and my problem is causing real issues in our sex life.
I am nearly entirely unable to orgasm during sex. Now it has happened a handful of times in 5 years, we’ve never been able to re-create the conditions that caused it, and it was never ever consistent.
I have diagnosed hyperactive ADHD, which through prior research is shown to contribute to this problem, I have been both on and off various medications (Vyvanse, Adderall, few others I’m forgetting), and although they did have a positive in my professional life, they have had no impact in the bedroom.
I am not currently on medication as I have no primary care physician currently. Although I have consulted one previously for this issue, whom provided me a referral to my ADHD specialist who gave me an adult diagnosis (I was also diagnosed as a child).
At this point we’re looking to go to specialists, we can probably afford once a month visits as this kind of therapy will not be covered by our benefits.
We’ve tried just about everything you can think of to solve this so far, and the problem is getting immensely frustrating, our sex life is in the toilet, we’ll maybe be intimate once a month. Although I have a great time emotionally I feel next to nothing and it’s crushing my wife’s self esteem.
My drive for *sex* has also fallen considerably, I still masturbate, which I have no issues with, I can sometimes even get off as quick as a minute or two. But the repeated disappointments, and frustrations have slowly get me more and more depressed, and lately sex just hasn’t seemed worth it.
I guess, when looking for specialists, I’m not sure where to start beyond local google searches, nor what I should look out for. So some guidance there would be appreciated. If it helps I live in Alberta, Canada, idk if there may be some government related things that could assist me with this.
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I have had this problem with all of my past partners, granted my wife is only my second.
**Please read below before commenting “death grip”.**
**So far we’ve tried:**
– Full long term abstinence, I have a bit of a chastity kink, and last year we locked me in a chasity cage for about two months (for Locktober and NNN), during that time I orgasmed about 2 times (both through masturbation). We’ve also tried similar longer-term abstinence several times in the past.
– We figured it’s probably a mental issue, particularly performance anxiety, for several months I was only allowed to jerk off with her in the room, which proved extremely difficult and didn’t seem to have an impact on the problem what so ever.
– General health, I am presently about 70lbs overweight, although when we first started dating I was actually in peak health (80lbs lighter), didn’t make a difference either. I’m trying to lose weight currently.
– Duration and position of sex doesn’t seems to make an impact, our longest session was 4 hours, and I still had to get myself off.
– We’ve tried various toys for extra stimulation, including prostate toys and plugs, cock rings, vibrators, etc, no impact.
– I don’t typically have any erectile dysfunction. Although as a session goes on I tend to get disappointed as I can’t feel much and I’ll go soft.
– During sex it almost feels like a cable is disconnected somewhere. Like I am feeling her, but that feeling isn’t being translated into the appropriate level of pleasure or dopeamine, emotionally I am 100% there, and at this point I still initiate sex for the intimacy, but physically it just isn’t all that enjoyable, that’s not to say that it’s bad, just not as good as it should be.
– For example we tried last night before bed, and one thing I noticed is that at one point I needed to push again the headboard to stop it from bumping against the wall. I kind of noticed the moment I had to do that and my focus split a bit I started feeling next to nothing. Beforehand I wasn’t feeling much, but it was better.
– I am also unable to orgasm from oral, handjobs, anal, etc.
– I am able to get off without issue from masturbation, dry, with lube, strokers, even anal masturbation, no troubles, I get off very easily. However when I’m with her, say after sex or even casually I can get off sometimes but it’s usually considerably more difficult.
– Substances have helped on occasion but have never made a consistent impact, I started doing weed with my wife shortly after it was legalized here, and although it does make orgasms so much better, it hasn’t helped this issue at all.
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Idk how to close this off, but I just want this problem fixed. I’m worried how it will impact our marriage long-term, and frankly, it’s just not fair.
I was a late bloomer and didn’t even lose my virginity until 23, which I had a huge complex and depression over (I even did a stint over in /r/ForeverAlone), to finally be even married to basically my best friend and to have this problem is just so disheartening.