My girlfriend is a talker. When we first met, I found this really interesting. She always wanted to talk about subjects we both found interesting and even though she did most of the talking, the conversations were still engaging and there was space for me to contribute and engage with what she was saying.
Lately, though, she’s started talking nearly constantly. When we’re together, she’s always talking and seems to always want attention. Our conversations have become incredibly one-sided, because she talks either about herself or subjects we don’t have in common where I can contribute very little. One of these is witchcraft. She’s from a country where witchcraft is taken semi-seriously, and even though she knows I don’t believe in it she insists on talking about experiences her family members or people from her country have had with witchcraft. I now receive a lecture about ghosts and witchcraft for several hours a week. I’ve tried to remind her that I don’t believe in ghosts, and told her that I don’t really have an interest in talking about it, but it doesn’t seem to matter.
If she wants to talk, she starts talking, and if I’m doing something she just expects me to stop and listen. Usually this is a bit tedious, but when she starts about ghosts and possession it’s incredibly hard not to laugh. A couple of times, she’s gotten angry that I didn’t seem engaged when she was talking, but how can I when she’s talking ‘at’ me like this. Most of the time if I try to say something longer than a sentence, she just interrupts me anyway. I can’t remember the last time she talked about something that didn’t just interest her.
It’s gotten to the point where I’ve started leaving the room or going to bed early just because I don’t want to listen to her lecture me. This pattern of constantly talking at me, never giving me space to contribute, and expecting me to be engaged in just listening to her for hours, is really starting to hurt our relationship. What can I do?
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Start interrupting and talk about sports for 3 hours. Do it constantly. I understand you’ve told her but realllly tell her and if she doesn’t listen, give her the opportunity to know what is like. Set boundaries.
Sometimes people who are on their way to their first mental break give hours long rambling speeches about bizarre subjects FYI.
Start talking about something that doesn’t interest her and see her reaction, then tell her that’s how u always feel.
I hope for you that she also isn’t one of those women that not just talk much, but fast and louder.
The tip that he should talk hours about something he likes is great but if you ever experienced such a woman, she will talk over you till you give up.
You can try couple counseling, if you want to work on it. But the problem is that she seems to think that her behaviour is fine.
Do you ever have the chance to talk about your day? Problems? What you finds exciting? Your hobbys?
If you get the word in, ask her questions that make her clear that she knows nothing about your life anymore. But it can and ugly and she will turn it around in “it is not my fault that you never talk about anything!”
Right now you are unhappy. What needs to change to be happy again and is this realistic? Like she won’t become a woman that talk rarely and think ghosts are stupid.
You have sooooo many years before yourself. Ask yourself if you want to spend them like THIS!
You need to master the subtle art of not actually listening
Sounds like she may be experiencing a (hypo)manic bipolar episode.
She dominates the conversation and gives little or no consideration to your interests.This dynamic will morph into all areas of your relationship. You will be miserable. This will not change.
Be like “I gotta go do something.” and straight up walk away. Otherwise you’re gonna sit in a lecture for 2/3 hours. That’s the only way people like that get the hint, and be ready for her to be angry. If you don’t want to do that just memorize these three lines: “Uh-huh”, “Wooow… really?”, “That’s interesting” and cycle through them for hours as you zone her out.
Or even better do this: https://youtu.be/vy3vMD-CgNY
Honestly, to me, it just sounds like she’s excitable and interested in this, and she feels secure and happy enough in your relationship to talk about this with you. From what you said about witchcraft and magic discussions being common in her home country implies they’re not common and/or seen positively where you live, and from her talking so much more recently definitely implies that she’s feeling very happy with you and able to talk about things that she likely feels she can’t talk about with anybody else in this country, because she feels safe with you.
My advice’d be to listen to what she’s saying. It doesn’t sound like she’s asking you to believe, or even engage with the conversation, she’s just excited to talk, she’s content and happy. I have a friend who used to talk about ice hockey for hours – I don’t know the first thing about sports, I actively dislike sports culture, but, ‘know, she was talking about it to me because she really loved and wanted to talk about something she loved with me, and I learned some stuff. I still don’t know much about it, and tbh, I’d zone out a LOT, but at first, when I’d get annoyed, I’d just remember that she was sharing with me because she felt comfortable to do so.
It’s also important to remember that lots of people just need room to talk about something they care about. They don’t expect, or even want contribution. It’s like venting, but instead of needing to vent to process negative emotions, it’s like venting to engage with positive experiences. I’ve got ADD, and this is a real common thing with us tbh, which isn’t to say she has it, just that this is a thing.
A lot of folk here are implying she’s on the verge of a mental breakdown. That’s absolute garbage tbh, and this is probably only being bought up because she’s talking about the supernatural, when you’ve made it clear this is standard considering her background.
At the end of the day, nobody, not even yourself, can force yourself to care about what she’s saying, and you may have to accept that your conversational values aren’t equal. That can be a dealbreaker in a relationship. Both my gf and I will just talk for a while about stuff we care about, and it’s something I super value about our relationship, but y’know.. it’s not for everybody. You sound like you always want equal engagement and space to contribute and maybe this isn’t the right relationship for either of you? Best of luck though
Is it possible she’s on the spectrum? To be honest, this makes me wonder.
Before you take offense at her actions, it could be something like ADHD. Common and often overlooked in females.
So I’m seeing a lot of people just saying this can’t change or to go real hard ball by walking away from the conversation. Before you take actions like that, I suggest you take a quiet moment to tell her that you’re noticing she is interrupting or talking over you a lot and not letting you get a word in. My spouse had to tell me I was doing that. Idk if I have ADHD or something along those lines that make me hyperfocus and excitable. But it’s important to make an effort to allow for room in the conversation. Another thing is to just tell her you miss talking about mutual interests and you want to do that more, or to take time to reconnect yourself. Because, as another commenter said, it might be a sign of how comfortable she is with you, but you need to feel comfortable, too. Best of luck to you. I suggest starting with a gentle tone, non accusatory. For example don’t use statements like “you always” or “you never”. If she says she will work on it, let her know how you will be going forward, like if you’ll be gently interrupting if she is monologuing, or telling her that you need to do something else. Boundaries are good, but a conversation is better to start than to just start acting different.
Is she autistic/does she have adhd? That’s exactly what I do lol.
Adhd
Sounds like she’s trying to convert you. You can try telling her that these speeches don’t change your viewpoints and aren’t interesting conversation to you. If that doesn’t work, you’ll have to decide if you want to keep up this relationship that seems pretty one sided and dominated by beliefs you don’t share.