Ok so, hubby and I have been happily married for over a decade and have recently gotten into kink. I’ve been really enjoying myself and feeling sexier than ever.
Part of the whole adventure for us has been total open communication about everything ( and I do mean everything sexual). And seriously the talking part is getting both of us stimulated more than ever. In keeping with that open communication, I admitted to masturbating to porn, and so did he. We had a great talk about what we both like and why. All good.
But then he sent me some pics from his instagram of women with tattoos he thought would look good on me, and it made me feel horrible. Obviously, insta models are 10 out of 10 in looks and I just feel like that’s so not what I look like…
I did tell him about the insecure feelings I’m having, but how do I get over these? Why does it make me feel bad at all? I don’t want to lose this new found connection with him or the self confidence from exploring our fantasies
19 comments
My take on this is that talking about porn, you’re discussing what they’re doing, whereas sharing Instagram pics is just sharing how someone looks. With porn, you can try doing those things together in real life, but Instagram feels more like a “I wish you looked like this”, even if that’s not at all how he meant it.
My suggestion is to remind yourself exactly how much work goes into those people looking like that. Makeup, posing, lighting, filters, 1000s of photos taken to find just one perfect one. 99% of the time they look like everyday people, and anyone who was able to spend that much time, energy and money would be able to take gorgeous photos like that.
If you want proof, google “Kate Moss at the 2023 Met Gala”, then google “Kate Moss without makeup smoking”. (Not to pick on Kate Moss, you could do the same with pretty much any celebrity, it’s just the first example I thought of)
“kink” is not a blank check that you have to like everything suddenly. I watched porn with my ex gf together and it was great because it was interactive, we acted out the positions of the video. But even then, you might say that some content just makes you uncomfortable.
That will show you if this newfound connection you have is conditional and just works as long as you both like the same stuff or if you’re able to openly discuss what you like and what you don’t like
It is worrying that he wants you to get tattoos like some of the girls online. Show him a pic of a muscly guy and tell him he should workout. It’s scary to see trends online and people believing that’s how you supposed to look like. There’s plenty of people who get their tattoos removed nowadays. Those girls he looks up on IG don’t look like that in real life when they go grocery shopping and probably he wouldn’t even notice them on the street.
Just for yourself, perhaps work on some of your insecurities if you feel it bothers you. Do something good for your body and soul – maybe some Pilates classes, spa, massage or even go and see a hairdresser. You are unique the way you are. Ignore his stupid comments. Men always want what they can’t get
I think there are a few aspects to this:
1. Porn is “unreal”. There is very few ways for him to contact the models so less risk. Conversely, Instagram people are very much “real”. You can direct message them, or communicate with them on their posts. Simply porn actresses are untouchable.
2. insecurities : with porn he is distracted from the actresses looks to just enjoying watching the acts. Instagram models are all about sharing their beauty and your man looking at how beautiful they are. This then leads to you probably comparing your self to them and maybe not matching them, which then makes you question if that’s what he really wants.
3. With porn you probably can share some of the turn on enjoyment with him whereas do you really appreciate the woman’s beauty?
My other half will point out beautiful girls to me (I swear she still had a bi curious side), but if I was to do it she would let me know!!!
Also, if I was to watch porn, she wouldn’t care as long as I save the cum for her, whereas if I went to some place alone where I watched a couple have sex..hell would break loose lol
I think bc IG models are “real people” whereas porn stars are cartoonish in a way. They are so far from your ordinary life that they almost dont seem like people.
I think a lot of people don’t think about the fact amateur is a highly picked category. Guys these days want a more real experience. Those IG models while yes done up give them the same effect. I mean your guy probably goes back to a specific video on ph that probably look like those girls on IG. If your ok with him watching porn, I can guarantee you he has several he goes back to, this is kinda like that. Try to reconcile it as he doesn’t want overly done fake.
It sounds like when discussing porn, you were discussing sexual interests that you could do together. When he shared the Insta posts, he was indirectly commenting on your looks. With him saying “This tattoo would look good on you,” you interpreted it as, “He must not like me as I am.”
Soft core porn makes me really uncomfortable too. Regular porn is fine, kinky porn is fine, but soft core like lingerie pics, and panty/butt shots make me so uncomfortable because it feels intimate.
Because you can DM people on instagram so they seem more getable.
You’re watching porn for the sex. You are looking at models for their looks.
You can message the girls in instagram, you can’t message the girls in porn. Having girls in instagram is already cheating since you can interact with them and they can interact back, it’s basically telling you ’I think my neighbor is really hot’. Would you be happy with your husband thinking your neighbor is really hot? A husband should never show interest to people they can talk to, in front of their wife.
It could potentially be the fact that the women on instagram aren’t inherently consenting to be jerked off to. Now I’m not saying that’s what your husband is doing (bc you gave no indication that was the case) but the women in porn are doing porn with the full knowledge that it’s going to be used as sexual stimuli. Also, lots of porn involves two people engaging and pictures of Instagram models aren’t… so it’s not contributing to any “bedroom ideas” it’s strictly someone getting off to a specific person. Another possibility could be that anyone is allowed to privately message instagram users whereas you can’t with a porn video.
Personally, I have strict rules surrounding social media use bc I dated someone who completely misused it and disrespected our relationship. I don’t think I’ll ever feel differently and I have been very up front about this with my subsequent partners. If you don’t like it, just keep communicating with your husband and try to find a compromise. If he cares about your feelings, he’ll be willing to find a solution **with** you.
Video versus possibly talking to a real human would be my guess. Yes, he probably won’t, but his chance of talking to the majority of porn “models” is effectively zero.
Instagram is 100% fake so I wouldn’t believe anything there. The amount of filters and Photoshop is insane.
Nope red flag he should not be wanting you to look like other women that’s toxic would be uncomfortable as well its disrespectful its fine to dress up/roleplay but that? Nope. ig women are attainable women in porn its about actions not necessarily lusting the people but what they are doing a can of worms has been opened make sure you set a clear boundary you can even look at men with a certain look he doesn’t have and say something similar and see how he feels.
Insta models are MUCH more likely to engage a viewer than pornstars
In case someone hasn’t already suggested this:
Try having some professional photos done. They’re like $500; hair and makeup, lighting and editing, the works. You’ll be amazed at what photoshop can do.
It really helps normalize these “models;” I find myself appreciating the editing skill more than thinking anything sexual.
Omg this is so relatable. I also felt like this and it was really conflicting. I didnt mind popular IG models cuz he’s never gonna meet them plus i know how fake IG models are, but whenever he’d like pics of women he knew thats what i didnt like. He’d never like his male friends pics on ig too only female so that hella annoyed me. On top of that he never liked my pics until i mentioned it which kinda hurt even tho it sounds stupid. Luckily he stopped so its not an issue anymore. It really felt super disrespectful. These answers gave me some clarity and make sense so im glad this post was made.
Women make no sense