My (24F) boyfriend (24M) were together for a year and 9 months. We lived together until some drastic life changes when he moved out in September. Some family members passed, I had a mental health crisis, there was some miscommunication between him and my family and now they disapprove.
We split up in early March after a few months trying to figure out how to be in a relationship with everything that happened. I was stupid and listened to some people in my life who didn’t know the full situation and finally broke up with him. I quickly realized that wasn’t me thinking, but actually doing what my close friends and family wanted. I know this was wrong, but tensions were high and they made a pretty good case.
I have since asked him to get back together. He says no, that we will never get back together and there is no chance. He lists the reasons above, saying that although they are reconcilable, he is comfortable with his situation and does not wish to pursue another relationship with me.
The thing is, we still talk daily and hangout once a week. Last week, when I found out I didn’t get the job I really wanted, he cancelled plans and took me to a waterpark, and then out to my favourite place for lunch. Through little things, I know he still cares. He doesn’t want to say “I love you” anymore because he says he doesn’t want to “lead me on.”
I ask periodically if we can get back together, and he always says there is no chance because there is no hope. However, I really love him and I know through different actions that he still loves me. I have offered to talk to my family and try to reconcile that for him (as I’ve offered before many times), but he says no because he doesn’t want to get back together.
What can I do to win him back?
Edit to add: To the people saying he is trying to build “friendship”, the things he is doing are not things that “friends” would do, even best friends.
Edit 2: Should’ve clarified, he is doing things such as initiating physical affection, saying he misses waking up to me, and has said he doesn’t want to “fantasize” about a future to give himself false hope.
TL;DR Bf and I broke up because of circumstances other than us not loving each other anymore. He says he doesn’t want to get back together, but I think we still work really well and believe he’s the person I want to spend my life with. How can I win him back?
16 comments
Why is your desire to get him back more important than his need to let this go and move on?
People aren’t prizes and property to be “won” back. You made your decision to break up with him. It doesn’t matter what the circumstances were. Intentions don’t matter as much as people think. All that matters is what you DID. He’s single, he’s free from you and has decided he doesn’t want you back. You need to grow up a little and realize that you have no power here. He wants to move on and he’s going to. You need to do the same.
You respect his words that he does not want to be your boyfriend anymore, and accept that he cares about you as a friend. If you can’t let go then distance yourself for a while until you can move on.
You cannot. Respect his wishes. He seems to be fond of you and thinks of you as a friend. Be aware of that, whatever the other circumstances that triggered your problems, he’s not going to pursue a romantic relationship again.
It’s better you accept that now, rather that remove the friendship that’s developing.
Respect what he says. You are not getting back together. If you can’t accept it, you need to stop talking to him because in your kind, he’s giving you hope. If he’s stringing you along, you really need to go no contact with him. This is a toxic i cycle that only results in you getting hurt over an over and over again.
“What can I do to win him back?”
You can’t He’s been very clear with you that he does not want to get back together. He’s told you, multiple times. He’s being honest with you. You should believe him.
Yes, he’s spending time with you and has done some nice things for you. But that doesn’t mean that what he has repeatedly told you, that he does not want to get back together, isn’t true.
You love him. He may love you, I don’t know, although I doubt it, since he does not want to get back together with you. Either way, Love is not enough. It will not “overcome” all other obstacles. It’s also possible to love people who don’t love you back, are bad for you, are incompatible with you, or are just not good people.
I think you should move on, and the best way to do that is to go NC with him. Stop hanging out together, stop talking to him, just move on.
I say keep doing what you are doing. His words say one thing but his actions say another. I think in time he will get over everything. He is obviously still in Love but seems afraid of getting hurt again
You respect his decision and stop harassing him to get back with you. You screwed up, and he doesn’t trust your judgement now. That’s the consequence you get for letting other people get involved in your relationship. So just leave it alone. He may be hanging out with you and still talking, but that doesn’t automatically mean he wants a relationship.
Stop trying to kid yourself into thinking his “actions” mean anything. All his actions means is he still cares about you and maybe wants some free affection. Not a relationship.
Simply put: you can’t. He does not want to be in a committed relationship with you. He may enjoy the casualness of the undefined situation you have now but he doesn’t want the commitment and never will if you keep providing what he wants without the commitment.
He can love you and still not want to be in a relationship with you. My guess from the very small amount of information available would be that he still has romantic feelings for you, which is why his actions aren’t necessarily matching his words. He is however making the conscious decision not to get back together with you, probably due to your reason for breaking up with him. You have demonstrated that you will prioritise other people’s opinions of him over the relationship and he has decided it wouldn’t be smart to put himself in that position again. He isn’t necessarily innocent here though. He must realise that he’s giving off mixed signals because you keep asking him to get back together. It would probably be best for both of you to spend some time apart. It can’t be easy on either of you to spend so much time together so soon after a break-up.
People are capable of enjoying the relationship-y aspects of a relationship and then are also capable of enjoying those feelings and activities without a future together. At best he’s having trouble separating your lives, and at worst he’s using you as a time filler until he’s ready for his next relationship. He has told you there is no future. Believe him and do what you need to do to move on, like finding your support network that doesn’t include him.
If you truly love him, respect what he is saying and move on. Stop hanging out with him and talking to him. It will only prolong the pain for you.
Hanging out is a good start. If you want to get him back have a heart to heart talk about what you may have done that sabotaged your relationship and turly make an attempt to fix those things in you. Make a connection with him and let him know how sorry you are and although it will not make things right or put them back to how they were you will make an effort to fix those things in yourself regardless. Then actually make those changes. It takes time and effort to change your personality but if it is self improvement then why not do it? The issue I had with me ex was she was stubborn beyond belief. Once she was triggered I could say the sky was blue and she’d argue against it for days. She’d often break up with me over talks about our relationship and how I was being treated. Finally the last time I had enough I told her I wouldn’t be here when she decided to return and she stated she wouldn’t be coming back. A week later she was back. I reminded her of her choice and she argued justifying her actions and I let her know this is how I know nothing has changed I didn’t want to go back to the same situation. Over time we talked and over time she learned to accept her faults finally. I never denied anything I did that could of been better. I apologized and worked on my self on my own. Eventually when I saw she had changed and truly was sorry lwe started dating again and eventually worked back into a relationship. Some people will say changing yourself to make a relationship work is wrong but really look at the changes you could make to make the relationship better and ask yourself if these changes would also make you a better you. If it is then go for it buddy. If the changes being asked of wouldn’t make you a better you then maybe consider it might not be a change for the better and might want to look at the relationship closer itself. Again this might not fix your relationship but at least it’ll make a better you. Love yourself and who you become.
it sounds like you are in a relationship with no ties. stop giving him “relationship you” with no boundaries. you either tell him I want a relationship or were done all together no friendships, no slumber parties, no lunch dates. He’s taking advantage of you.
You need to respect his boundaries. He’s treating you like an FWB; if you don’t want that and he doesn’t want a relationship, then leave. When someone tells you “no,” you need to listen and respect that.
Actions have consequences. You broke up with him and he no longer thinks you’re worth the relationship.
You can hang around and try and convince yourself otherwise, but the only person whose life you’re wasting is your own.