I’ve done some research on the internet on this topic where one spouse decides they no longer want to continue having sex in their marriage or relationship, leaving the other spouse frustrated and unhappy.
The information I gathered suggested that a wife or a husband has the right to decide if they want to continue having sex, and should not be forced, shamed or guilt tripped into agreeing otherwise.
From the internet: “ You have the right to decide for yourself when you’re ready for sex, and to say “no” to sex at any time, with any person, for any reason (even if you’ve already had it.”
I want to hear from you wives and husbands, as well as those who are in a committed relationship and are unmarried.
Do you agree that your partner should have the right to cut off a vital component such as sex from the relationship at their will, leaving you frustrated and unhappy with their decision ?
Tl;dr should a person in a committed relationship remove sex from their relationship if the other party disapproved ?
30 comments
Of course my spouse has the “right” to say no to sex. Anything else is rape.
I will say though that unless there is a very good reason, such as a health issue or something temporary, I would consider it to be a breach of our marriage vows. And I would generally expect a “best effort.” Sometimes that may mean months without sex while other issues are dealt with. That’s totally fine and part of life. But if my wife was ever just like “I don’t want to have sex with you anymore” and expected everything else go on as normal, we would have some serious problems.
Ultimately, IMO there *is* an implicit obligation to do your best to meet your spouses sexual needs when you foreswear all others. Wedding vows are not vows to celibacy.
Edit: Much of online progressive spaces are very good at talking about your rights as an individual, but much less good at articulating responsibilities you might have to the people you are in relationship with. In a healthy marriage, both your rights and your responsibilities should be respected.
Yes they have the right. They also have to accept the consequences of their actions.
If sex is removed and that is unacceptable to the other person, that person also has free agency – to leave a relationship that no longer aligns with their priorities.
I’d encourage compromise. But if both parties are steadfast – then they are no longer compatible.
Told my wife early on that if we ended up in dead bedroom. I’m out.
Being up front and honest, even if it sounds harsh, reduces confusion later.
They can absolutely and should say no at any time, but if that individual doesn’t respect or acknowledge the others needs, that’s terrible.
It’s no different than not providing support around the house, emotionally, whathaveyou.
I personally am exhausted of trying to get my wife to even acknowledge that I’m struggling mentally, the worst I’ve ever been in my life, yet alone understand my desire for intimacy is not rooted in release, but actual connection.
And I have a right to not continue the relationship with that parameter. If it was medical that is not the same thing and it is my obligation as a supportive spouse to be there. If it is something else then we would have to navigate how to move forward as for me sexuality is a big deal.
Sure she has the right to do anything she wants, but that does not avoid the consequences that follow.
In short, intimacy and sex should not be removed from a marriage but either partner does have the right to do so. Doing so is to typically finalize the end of the marriage though.
A healthy marriage should have a desire by both parties to provide the other with intimacy and sex as a general rule. **No means no of course** but if it’s no more often than not… is an indicator that something (not someone) in the marriage is broken.
When you marry, most Western or Christian vows state that you “forsake all others” or similar wording. That means that you are marrying the ONE person who is supposed to receive from you and provide to you intimacy and sex. To receive or provide the same to someone other than your spouse, in most cultures, is usually a serious breech of vows.
So usually (not all the time) when sex is removed from a marriage, it is being weaponized. There is something going on that isn’t how one would prefer and they use the removal of intimacy and sex as a way to attempt changing the other’s mind. In most cases, this backfires and causes a series of “escalated” responses.
Ex: Husband stops contributing to chores (most common cause of DB) and plays video games while the wife does everything. Wife gets tired of begging the husband to help and eventually stops having sex. The husband, after a while, will get frustrated because they aren’t having sex and he’s begged for it more so he will stop rubbing her back or feet while they watch Netflix AND feels justified not doing any chores. The wife gets frustrated that the husband continues to not do any chores and has also stopped his intimacy so she begins to not cook as often or only food she likes. lather, rinse, repeat until death or divorce.
The root of most (not all) issues in marriage is lack of effective communication; Speaking to be understood and listening to understand. MC is usually 95% about learning effective communication skills and then using those skills to work through issues with the therapist as a mediator.
Yup! They have a right to say “no”.
And I have a right to leave.
Which I did.
I never signed up for forced celibacy.
Withholding affection is a form of abuse.
You have a right to be as big an asshole as you like. You could tell your spouse they are fat, spend all your money gambling, never shower again, etc. None of these things are against the law, so technically they could be considered rights. But you don’t have the right to avoid consequences for your actions. If you treat your partner like shit, expect things to get shitty.
I also created a somewhat similar post recently here
[https://www.reddit.com/r/Marriage/comments/16k6tr1/maintenanceunwanted_sex/](https://www.reddit.com/r/Marriage/comments/16k6tr1/maintenanceunwanted_sex/)
Any person has the right to stop having sex. That’s how bodily autonomy works.
And your spouse or partner has a right to leave the relationship if that doesn’t work for them.
As long as there is love and the actual sex is fun, hormones often eliminate the choice.
People don’t decide to be horny and people don’t decide to have no libido.
These realities won’t stop people from suggesting couples therapy though.
That fine be single or this could lead to someone cheating
Just because you’re in a relationship whether that’s a long-term partnership or a marriage doesn’t mean you stop being individuals.
This means if somebody in that relationship decides they no longer want to have sex, for whatever reason, medical, lack of interest, whatever, then that’s their own personal prerogative
My ex wife went on some delusional spiritual BS. Despite 12 years of a great sex life and loving marriage, apparently God told her it’s a sin if it’s not exclusively for having a baby.After 2 years of no sex and total loyalty, I gave up and divorced her. Latest update – now we’re living together again and she’s horny AF all the time. Mental health can be a fucked up thing. Best of luck, remember things can change on a dime
Ok,
Perhaps too much disclosure. My wife and I have not had sex in 3-4 years bc with her MS sex has become physically painful to her. However I know that she would if I asked, not out of duty but from love she would endure pain for me. And knowing that she loves me that much, I am content
Sure but you also have the right to end the relationship if you aren’t happy and having your needs met as well
No one is owed sex.
If that doesn’t work for both people, then you should separate or find an agreement that works for both people, like allowing the person still interested in sex to have it with someone else.
Yes, they have a right and that would mean the relationship is over. I’m not trying to be celibate and if I can’t get it from my partner, the only option is to end the relationship. Sex and intimacy is a very important aspect of a relationship.
[deleted]
Of course they’ve the right but then you’re just friends!
Christianity has an ancient solution: Paul commands that except in extraordinary circumstances, husbands and wives owe sexual intimacy to each other. Why? Because in marriage, the two become one and the husband’s body doesn’t belong to himself, but rather belongs to his wife, and vice versa.
Aquinas called this concept the marital debt. I’m sure it was controversial in first century Rome. It’s definitely controversial to modern Christians who value individualism and independence as much as the next modern.
But I think Paul is right. He saw something that most miss: if we withhold sex from our spouses as though we have an exclusive right to distribute it, we aren’t really understanding marriage. The best marriages come from two people sacrificing their individuality and becoming one.
(This is why separate finances, prenups, secret passcodes, etc are foolish)
So yes, you have every legal right to end sexual intimacy with your partner. But in most cases this would be a grievous moral wrong to your partner.
Firsts things first, sexual boundaries should be unquestioned and are valid regardless of the level of intimacy you share with the person.
Secondly, I don’t think sex is a vital component. Keeping each other happy is. Say my partner thinks it’s his absolute responsibility to keep me happy in bed, but doesn’t care as much when it comes to other aspects of life, that will not be sufficient. However many think it’s a vital component – and that’s valid too. Open communication is important. If absolutely unresolvable, perhaps call it quits.
Any partner in the marriage has the right to say no to sex, and the partner not getting to have sex is well within their rights to be unhappy with that. The problems are the reasons for saying no (such as withholding sex as a punishment) and what you do when being told no (throwing a tantrum and getting physical or verbally abusive, cheating, etc.)
Well. My husband has the desire, but has severe ED. He has slowly withdrawn his affections over the course of two years. We communicate well and we’ve bought products and discussed possibilities of a procedure etc. It never goes any father than talk though. He’s embarrassed and devastated, but does nothing to help fix the issue. Honestly I’m not even concerned about the actual sex part, but it’s the absolute lack of affection and closeness. I feel like I just hijacked this thread so I won’t say more, other than to say there may be multiple reasons a partner pulls away physically.
Yes I agree that any person has the right to turn down sex at any time, with any person, for any length of time.
I also claim the right to dissolve any relationship that does not adequately fulfil my emotional needs, including physical sex. I do not believe that dissolution of the relationship including divorce, constitutes force, shame, or guilt tripping. I do not even believe it constitutes coercion. It is simply the natural consequence of not loving your relationship partner.
Yes anyone has the right to say no but I’m being forced to live this life right now. There’s a such thing as willful desertion. The law in most states says a spouse doesn’t necessarily have the right to refuse sex for an extended period of time one year or more. In my case it’s been 10 years but that’s a long story for another day. Feel free to message me if you want to chat about it.
While it may exist where one person simply doesn’t want intimacy anymore, I believe in the majority of cases a diminished desire for intercourse is a symptom of a problem not the problem itself. Is there a medical issue, mental health issue, trust or connection issue in the relationship, some kind of outside stress on one partner or both? Either party always has the right to say no and shouldn’t be shamed or guilted for it. But it should be a priority for both partners to find the source of the problem leading to a diminished desire for intimacy, and work together to resolve the issue(s). And least that’s how my husband and I feel and work in our marriage.
Uh, yeah. Why would you even want to have sex with someone who doesn’t want sex? That is disgusting
Either spouse has the inherent right to consent to sex, to certain acts, and likewise remove consent for those.
The other spouse is also free to end the relationship though, if there is simply no hope or conprokise to be had. Many don’t, but some do. It’s awkward to talk about so I would assume plenty of marriages end for this reason and it’s just kept private.