I’ve (33M) been with my GF (29F) for about three years now and I thought until recently that things were going well. Out of nowhere she tells me that she is not in the right place for a relationship but wants to stay friends. I explained that my heart was broken and I was going to go NC for an indefinite period of time to heal, and couldn’t make promises about future friendship.
She lost it, saying that it means I don’t really love her if I won’t switch gears right away to being her friend. She tried to talk to me about a funny movie she saw right afterwards and I told her she cannot speak to me like nothing had happened.
“I don’t want to lose you but I can’t decide what to do – why can’t we just be friends? Of course I’m attracted to you.”
I love her but hanging around when she’s rejected our relationship feels super unhealthy to me. I don’t even understand why she would ask for immediate friendship instead of making a clean break. I told her I need a clear decision one way or the other and that I don’t want to be with someone who can’t decide.
When I asked why she feels she’s not in the right place, she launched into a speech about how she’s thinking about dropping out of grad school because she keeps getting distracted by social media, and has been binge eating almost every night. All of this was news to me. I tried to be there for her but said that she needs more mental help than I can provide for the binge eating in particular.
I stayed firm in my stance that I respect her right to end the relationship, but I was not willing to be friends or be communicate while I was hurting and still have feelings for her.
At the end of the conversation she took it all back and said she wants to stay together, but I am wary. What was this all about? How do you say something so serious and then go back on it? What about all these other serious issues she had not shared with me before?
All in all I’m feeling really hurt that not only did she want to end things, but expected me to put my feelings aside and go along with what she wanted without consideration of what that would do to me. I don’t know if I trust her anymore. I would have hoped we could have talked about her mental struggles before getting to this point.
Switching straight to a friendship would be harmful to my mental health. Now I feel uncertain continuing the relationship with someone who apparently has foot out the door. I don’t know if I should work on this with her, maybe suggest counseling, or take this as a sign that things have reached the end.
How do I navigate this?
TL;DR – GF of three years suddenly suggested we be just friends, and was very upset when I refused and said I would be going NC. Her reasoning was mental health struggles she had not shared with me prior. She went back on it all but I am feeling very unsettled and unsure if I can trust that she really wants to continue the relationship after saying something that serious. Possible to navigate or has the relationship ended?
49 comments
You don’t navigate this. You were correct to go NC. She has the right to end the relationship and you have the right to say no to friends. I would suspect she may have been intending to see someone else and keep you around as a backup. Now you know what you know so it’s best to go nc and move on. She fucked around and found out.
>I love her but hanging around when she’s rejected our relationship feels super unhealthy to me.
Of course it is unhealthy…
You just had your life turned upside down without warning.
How can you pretend to be friends with someone you just spent 3 years with romantically…. No one can switch gears like that smoothly.
It would be better to go NC.
After reading the rest of your post, I am thoroughly impressed… You have a good grip on the situation and dissected it very well… Something we seldom see on here.
You know the consequences of what you’re getting yourself into, no matter which direction is taken.
Everything you thought, is exactly what I would be thinking myself.
>How can I confidently be in this relationship anymore when my partner tried to initiate a break up?
That’s an unstable ground for a relationship to stand on.
Could it be mental health? Yup.
But my other trail of thought… Is there something else going on with here where she wanted to put the relationship on hold to entertain someone else?
I’m so sorry. This sounds extremely hard. She changed her mind purely for selfish reasons, unfortunately. She feels too emotional to not have your support but she doesn’t really want a relationship, she just wants to go be there when she needs to lean on you. Once you said no to friendship only, she realized she wouldn’t be able to call you when she’s having a hard time and that made her panic. You were right that she needs professional help and that you can’t fill that particular role.
I’m sorry. This is going to be a one sided relationship if you stay. It’s going to be based on her moods and her needs.
You can’t just go back to the relationship like nothing happened obviously something is going on. You where right to go no contact that way both of you can figure out what is best moving forward. I know some people can switch to just being friends but it must be hard especially the first time the other person starts seeing someone or you see them in public. You need to address this because whatever the reason for her to say that hasn’t changed anything and sooner or later will have to be addressed.
So she can’t just walk this back and say joking. She really thought you would be cool with being friends. Also her making such dramatic changes says volumes.
This is not a person to be with as she doesnt even know what she wants if you dont look below the surface.
She wanted to breakup but be friends “notice she said she was still attracted to you” so she is putting you on hold so she can go play around. She got thrown when you said nope I am out see you later. She thought you would gladly accept the new status. Then you pushed further calling her out rightly on her remarks wanting to know what was going on. This put her further off her plan as now shebhad to explain herself. So she tried the I didnt mean it.
She has already decided to replace you but hasnt done it yet so I say get out now befire she does.
Personally? I would let her go. If she wants to just be friends, that really means she wants out of the relationship. Do you really think she will be happy moving forward? I do not. She will just be going thru the motions in the “kind of forced” relationship.
She wants to keep you around for when she needs a backup plan
Let her go.
Honestly it sounds like she wanted to just be free to do whatever (and likely whoever), but also wanted to keep you around as a safe backup for when she gets bored of that and wants to settle.
By refusing to do that she’s realised she won’t have a quick and easy backup like she wanted and wants to take it back because she’s selfish.
When branch swinging fails lol
This person does t deserve the time of day from you
I think your ex knows that she wants to end it and now is just realizing the finality of it. Stand your ground and go NC that truly is the best way. Don’t let her string you along only to find out that she really doesn’t want to be with you. You had a good run. Grieve and move on with your life without her. It’s definitely unreasonable to immediately be friends anyway.
>At the end of the conversation she took it all back and said she wants to stay together
Naw, man, don’t let her string you along like this. I know it hurts and hard to let her go after 3 years but your original response was the right way and go with that, man.
The relationship as you know, or knew it, is over. She doesn’t want you anymore, she just wants you to be her safety net. Stringing you along while she goes and has fun, but still has you drooling after her and ready to take her back when things go wrong with the next guy. She is not worth it.
Time to move on. Sorry buddy.
She wants to fuck around and be your friend , thus eating from both sides without guilt and then when done fooling around come back into a relationship . She is bad trouble.
The few times I was dumb enough to stay friends it went friends to FWB to friends to FWB to eventually just being done.
Gl bro.
You don’t have to be broken up to be friends…
If she loves you but just wants to switch gears she needs to tell you she wants to be together but avoid the more romantic or sexual things for a bit so she can focus on other things. Not break up and expect a forced friendship.
I would personally leave now. She seems to either be unstable or attempting to manipulate you so she can date others or be free while you still dote on her. No Thanks. This is not healthy at all.
She needs serious help. Binge-eating, social media obsession and dropping out of grad school are big issues she needs to get her head around. Perhaps she had some strange schism in her head of what one tells a boyfriend and what one shares with a friend? Clearly she needs some support. She finally came to you with her issues and shared where she’s at, but did it in the worst way possible. It is up to you if you want to see what happens after some therapy.
She had someone else she is either already sleeping with, or plans on it. She wanted to keep you as a ‘friend’ so you could be her backup if things with the other guy don’t work out
NTA
“Let’s be friends” means that she likes the cake that she is getting with you for friendship but wants to eat the cake of someone else. Or she can’t handle any relationship now. She is getting mad that you are messing up her plan.
If she wants to break up, that is her right… but it is also your right to go NC so you can recover from this breakup.
First off – saying no to ‘lets jusy be friends’ was definetely the right thing to do.
She wants the emotional support from you but not the relationship.
Maybe its right that shes stressed right now and cannot be in a relationship, maybe shes just thinking of branching out to other guys and want to keep you handy for comfort until someone else is available…
No matter what, staying.as just friends would destroy you.. even more if/when another guy appears in her life.
The question is – now what?
Shes clearly stated she doesnt want the relationship, and now only stays because she needs the emotional support… will the relationship be the same going forward?? Will you be comfortable doing the same things with her as before?? Will sex be the same or wont it feel ‘off’ knowing shes going through the motions to keep you around for comfort??
Isnt.the situation now, that in fact you are just friends?? Especially since the relationship things will either dwindle or be ‘off’.. will dates in the future be true dates, or just friends hanging out?? Will sex in the future be ‘real’ of will it just be her putting out to keep you as a friend in her life???
>How do you say something so serious and then go back on it?
And thats the problem for you..
>but expected me to put my feelings aside and go along with what she wanted without consideration of what that would do to me.
She had no consideration for you or your feelings… she took back ‘lets just be friends’ not out of consideration for you, but for her own selfish reasons
> I don’t know if I trust her anymore.
You cant.
And you need to tell her, that all this means you cannot trust her.. you cannot trust her to do it again tomorrow…
>How do I navigate this?
Insist she needs therapy now, if she wants you to stay. If she does not, you can never be safe in the relationship again.
And be aware, the outcome of therapy for her, may very well mean the end of the relationship – a therapist may very well advise her that the stress of being in the relationship will hinder her working on her problems
Best of luck…
She tried to monkey branch to another guy while having you as a backup,bro cut her off she sees you as nothing but a backup until she can find someone better.
You sound like a normal man. Find a nice single girl to date. Your girlfriend is insane and there are nice girls who are looking but who can only find creeps
she couldnt say to you “spare wheel” more clear than this.
It’s definitely better to go no contact. I wish I had done that with my ex. I am still in love with him and we are still talking only for the reason that we will get back together in a year. But if that wasn’t happening, I would never talk to him again. And sometimes I wish I wasn’t talking to him because it very hard. No contact is definitely the way to go
Regardless of what she says, she has checked out of the relationship. You had no clue, and she didn’t communicate previously. I’m not saying this is the case in this instance, but many times this behavior has been the result of emotional attachment to someone else, or wanting to explore what’s out there, while keeping you on the backburner as a fallback position. I think you did the right thing by holding your ground, and not agreeing to be just “friends” with her. Also, because you don’t really know what prompted this sudden breakup, and you are not convinced even she know, how can you trust her moving forward. The truth is you can’t. The only way is for her to be 100 percent truthful with you and herself about her reasoning, and for the two of you to work through this in counseling. Before that however, you need sufficient time apart that she can resolve whatever is going on with her. The only way this will work is if you basically start all over again, and slowly regain your trust in her. Does she understand the damage she caused?
The time to talk to you passed by when she broke up with you. She had every opportunity to tell you that she was struggling but instead chose to beak up with you instead, this tells me that you are one of her issues. It is over. If she wants to be friends this strongly, it sounds like she really does love and value you as a person but she is not in love with you.
You made the right choice. She knows she’s not in a good place to be a proper partner, but she still wants your unconditional support in exchange for nothing.
She likes Jim from accounting. She wanted to see if he liked her back before she kicked you to the curb completely. When you said no, she panicked. But she still likes Jim from accounting.
Lol she doesn’t get to throw away 3 years together and control your reaction. Even more reason to go NC. Very immature at her agr.
I would just end it. Because she’s already said she’s dissatisfied with relationship the only reason she’s backpedaling is because you refuse to be her emotional support person basically. She still wants to lean on you and talk to you but she doesn’t want a relationship with you. You’re right though when you break up it’s better just do totally no contact with that person especially a long-term relationship you need to get over. Staying her friend would just be torture for you. She’d be fine with it cuz she already cut her feelings but you would suffer. So you’re just going to question yourself if you stay with her so I would just break up and cut ties and she can figure it out herself.
Either she’s cheating, or she wants to cheat, or it’s some goofy shit test she saw on TikTok. Either way, I’d stick with your NC plan.
For whatever reason, she broke your relationship. She doesn’t get to dictate what a new relationship would look like. Trust your gut. Break up with her and go NC. Even if she wasn’t interested in someone else (which I think she was) the fact that she was hiding the binge eating and dropping out of grad school from you. She needs time alone to work on herself. And you need to find someone who is interested in you.
She’s selfish. I would break up with her now and tell her to sort her life out, but she can’t damage yours in the process.
I had a GF try this once, it did not work out. She did it for me to recognize how important she was to me. Kind of the same BS as she watched a move of a show, that had some do the same thing. She got crap advice from a friend who always had failed relationships. I walked away because I was getting tired of all the games.
I would forgive her if you are like 22 but you are early 30’s and this is not grown up behaviour. The only way I would overlook this is if she is honestly having some mental health issues. You need find out the root cause, because you seemed to miss the signs she gave for the breakup and did not see them.
Personally I make sure everyone I date knows I have a no flight risk policy. You try to breakup or take a break it’s over. I have agreed to space before based off a few factors that made sense. But that just dragged things out. Once a person gives up on you they have already checked out for some reason.
>How do I navigate this?
By displaying backbone and getting rid of the person who told you that they want you around as a backup plan?
So what’s her plan for the future? Binging on food and social media? She sounds flaky as f. Just move on. Definitely NC/ghosting her. Don’t give in. You’ll find someone who’s not mentally ill, I would hope so anyway
Leave her. She either cheated or wanted to cheat or something else screwed up happened financially or something.
I just wouldn’t bring it up the NC thing again. Maybe she is having problems. She could be engaging in a bit of self sabotage. If she starts therapy or other forms of self help this could all be bump in the road. If not just go with your original plan. If you do break up then your life is none of her business.
“Oh no you were supposed to stay my backup plan while I date some other guy, oh no I’ll be alone now if this doesn’t work out, I miscalculated”
Unfortunately this just represents part of the broader pattern she has shown. She is dropping out, she is not looking after herself physically, and now she is running away from her relationship. It is sad, it is a clear sign she needs therapy and support and, as she noted, it is also outside your scope and ability to help with.
Whatever cause her to crash and burn like this is something she will have to deal with. It is sad it played out like this but outside urging her into therapy I don’t know what more can be done. Based on her framing her capacity to deal with anything right now seems to be at near zero, even therapy may prove daunting.
But you got hurt. And it may be for your sake and hers you need to distance yourself lest resentment or anxiety consume you.
Yeah, I love when that happens frankly, I would just let her go. She’s not worth it.
Sounds like your girlfriend met someone she’s interested in but wants to keep you around. I think you should just leave OP. No contact.
Is this some TikTok rubbish challenge that she is on?
*Want to see if your bf really loves and respects you?*
*Tell him you want to remain friends and gauge his reaction.*
*If he respects you, he will do it. He’s a keeper.*
She probably is or wants to bang someone else but wants to keep you on stand by as a back up plan. Cut ties and run.
She’s fucking with you. Wants to keep you around in case she regrets it.
I guarantee you if you agree to be friends with her, she’ll have amazingly found someone new to date within a week or two.
If things work out between her and the new person then she’ll expect you to be her great friend who’s very supportive of her new relationship.
If things don’t work out between her and the new person, then of course she’ll have a magical moment of realization and all her confusion will clear and suddenly you’ll be the right one for her, until the next time that is…
How do people end years of relationship and just be friends? Simple, there’s someone else. It doesn’t come along overnight. It has been some time. Maybe you just didn’t notice OP. Be careful.
Let her see if the grass is greener on the other side.
As for you, live your life, you seemed well-grounded and wonderful.
“Out of nowhere she tells me that she is not in the right place for a relationship but wants to stay friends.”
She wants to date other people.
Having once been the person who begged an ex to stay friends with me, I can tell you that she’s absolutely doing it to keep you as backup. You are her safety net in case she needs someone to return to if her experiment doesn’t work.
That’s what I was doing. I didn’t want to be with my boyfriend anymore, but he was my best friend and I was afraid of being alone forever. I was 22, and he was my first relationship after being emotionally abused for years by someone else when I was a teenager. So I did a lot of bad and manipulative things to him because I genuinely thought it was normal. But keeping him on the hook was by far the worst.
It took him standing up to me after two years of our “friendship” (unlike you, he agreed to be friends while we were “on a break”) and calling me out, for me to admit to myself what I’d done. And it still wasn’t immediate. I’ve since apologized to him and owned up to being the bad person in his life story.
She’s doing it to you out of fear. But it doesn’t make it okay. She wants out but doesn’t want to lose access to you. She can’t have it all. And you need to keep standing up for yourself.
Stay broken up and block her. Don’t be surprised if there isn’t other guy or gal involved.