My husband and I have been married for 3 years now (been together since high school), we own a home, have a dog, and each went to professional school. I am moderately successful in my career and make enough to support us financially to cover our expenses, but not enough to pay down our debts. Over the last year, my husband has been unhappy in his career, and made now 3 job changes (in the same field) hoping to earn more money. He has now started his own business (law practice). He is a very passionate person, but can easily have his confidence knocked down, which causes him to be depressed for several days before he gets “back on the working wagon”. I have been on a rollercoaster with this man trying to find a job that makes him happy/satisfied, while also meeting our financial goals. I thought the idea of him working for himself would be massively motivating for him to work harder and see the payoff in our income, but this is not the case. He was very excited when we started the business, getting his office together, and getting everything set-up, but now he has hit a wall and bringing very little to no income. I try not to be angry with him, but I can’t help but blame him for not working hard enough and putting more effort into getting more clients/business. I feel constantly disappointed over the last year with his failed attempts at job changes. Anytime I have said something in the past, his ego is shot down completely. I have repeatedly said I do not want to the sole financial provider, especially when we want to have kids soon. He wants to have kids now, but I don’t feel comfortable until we get our finances in better order (hint hint he needs to make extra income). I keep trying to be a supportive wife, but I have also hit a wall and I keep thinking about if he is ever going to change. I love him so much, but I can’t live like this if he can’t get his sh\*\* together (which I have told him multiple times). Help! Is there anything I can do? What are your thoughts? Am I being selfish?
4 comments
3 job changes in a year. Your husband is the problem, not the work. It sounds like it’s too late, but being a small business owner is indescribably stressful for many many years, if even then, until you’re generating enough revenue to offload the most frustrating aspects. An attorney will never get to that point.
It sounds like he might be battling some form of depression. First thing really should be to get him to his GP to get bloodwork, hormone levels, testosterone checked.
As an aside, lawyers tend to struggle with mental health. It’s a bizarre field where, going into it, you’re told you will make massive amounts of money with tons of glamour and exciting cases. In reality, like 95% of attorneys sit at a desk and sign paperwork, or do massive amounts of grunt work for someone higher up. Attorneys that run an independent practice also have to do all of those things, on top of (typically) making even less money.
Just about the only exception are attorneys who are rolled into family run or existing firms. Yes there are outliers, but seriously, it’s a super difficult and mentally draining field.
Im guessing you’re both still in your 20’s? Not everyone has a career by their mid 20’s but they should be able to successfully hold a job for more than a few months.
My advice is to set some personal milestones for him. This sets a timeline in motion and you don’t have to feel like you’re going to live in this situation forever. If he fails to meet the milestones on your list by X date, you need to follow through with the termination of the relationship. Not only would that mean you gave him so many chances and he blew them all, but not breaking up with him would also send him the message that he can cross your explicitly stated boundaries with no consequence.
It doesn’t sound like you are being selfish. You sound reasonable and goal oriented. He might have a bipolar issue or need counseling to get over something from his child hood. Is he ADD? Would Ritalin or a change in diet help him? Many find avoiding carbs helps them be more focused and energetic, along with a good super vitamin which usually have extra B vitamins and extra magnesium. Bs are great for focus and energy and Mag. is good for rest, freedom from anxiety and good sleep. He needs an accountability partner that isn’t you. Maybe a counselor would be that. I hope you find a solution and he improves for both of you.
I’m sorry for the difficult situation. It sounds like he may need counseling to deal with the depression, or no job will be satisfying – emotionally or financially. With counseling, he could find the root of the depression and hopefully work through it. Perhaps even go together so you could learn some ways to help him cope when at home. In the meantime, maybe do an internet search for Pomodoro t.imer. It’s a system where you work for a set time period, then take a break, and rotate through the day like that. It helps get some work done, but not be overwhelming. Prayers for wisdom and guidance through this difficult time.