Ok this is going to sound petty. I promise you it isn’t to me. We’ve been dating for almost two years and in almost every way she is the one for me. I want to get married to her however I realize this sounds so petty but for some reason this bothers me so much more than it should.
She has the absolute WORST restaurant etiquette.
1. She barely tips. We both have good jobs, money is not a problem for her or I. We kind of take turns paying when eating out. I normally tip 20% maybe a little more or less depending on the situation. Over the weekend she tipped $3 on a $46 bill. Sometimes I’ve tried to leave cash on the table but she gets upset, takes it, hands it back to me. We’ve only had a few fights and almost every one of them have started like this. She is absolutely convinced that throwing a few dollars is more than enough. She gets ALL of this from her family. Her parents took us out last Christmas to a very expensive steak house. Her dad made an absolute scene and production of tipping $20 on a $500+ bill “because it’s the holidays.”
2. She sends almost every dish back. Something is always wrong with whatever she ordered. The hamburger is not done enough or done too much. There’s dirt in the lettuce in her salad. The pasta isn’t cooked enough, you get the idea. EVERY time.
3. She expects the wait staff to be paying attention to her needs instantaneously. She’s not necessarily verbally abusive towards them but she keeps making demands. Water or iced tea needs constantly refilled, we need more napkins, this fork is dirty, etc. If she’s expecting or asking for something and that person isn’t right there she’ll start asking me (loudly) where are they to get some attention.
4. She argues over the bill every time demanding to speak with a manager to have something taken off or reduced because she wasn’t satisfied. It doesn’t matter if it’s applebees or the Capital Grille…never pay the full amount.
I am 100% sure this all comes from how her parents act at restaurants. I’ve seen them do this every time we’ve eaten out together. It isn’t a money thing either they’re not struggling. It is to the point that I don’t like going out to eat because of what I know is about to happen. She is completely aware of how tipping is supposed to work but insists that it is optional and to ‘stop throwing money away’. There’s no other situations where she has this anti-social behavior except at a restaurant. I cannot get my mind around it. Everywhere else she is a kind, reasonable, sweet person but as soon as she’s in a restaurant she turns into this.
How the hell do I convince her that this type of behavior needs to change and is really bothersome and anti-social? I’ve tried explaining time and time again and it goes in one ear and out the other.
38 comments
You tell her that of her behavior towards dining out doesn’t drastically change that you’ve no interest in going out to eat with her anymore
Oof that’s rough. Do these habits show up in any other areas? Like is she rude to customer service workers or people at stores? Seems like she has never worked a restaurant job in her life.
Tell her that you don’t enjoy going out with someone who can’t go with the flow and enjoy the meal for what it is- tell her that the confrontational aspect of it and complaining ruins it for you, and as someone who cares for you, she hopefully should be willing to not do that anymore.
>There’s no other situations where she has this anti-social behavior except at a restaurant. I cannot get my mind around it. Everywhere else she is a kind, reasonable, sweet person but as soon as she’s in a restaurant she turns into this.
Probably because her shitty family have taught her that service industry workers are beneath them, so this is the one setting where she feels comfortable acting like an entitled ass in ways she wouldn’t dare elsewhere. She does it because she knows she can get away with it.
>How the hell do I convince her that this type of behavior needs to change and is really bothersome and anti-social? I’ve tried explaining time and time again and it goes in one ear and out the other.
I would fully stop going out to eat with her, and when she questions you about it explain that it’s because you’re disgusted by the way she treats waiters. Or just break up, because ugh.
My partner and I have a similar issue. He’s a horrible tipper, but he isn’t rude to the staff.
Our only “arguments” are about him tipping. We’ve made a compromise. He pays, I tip.
Be honest with your girlfriend about how much it bothers you.
I was in the service industry for over ten years and one of the things I look for in people (friends or partners) is how they treat others when they are in a perceived position of power. As the customer, you’re technically in the power position because even if you’re a dick your server has to be pleasant to you. (Then we go back into the kitchen and talk about what a cunt you are). So she uses this opportunity where she has the upper hand to be absolutely terrible. This is a big deal. And I doubt you’ll ever convince her otherwise. She does this because she thinks she’s above those serving her.
Either stop eating out with her or hand the proper tip directly to the waitress.
Petty? Dude that’s not petty at all. The fact that you know she’s going to send food back before the food has even arrived is fucking infuriating. My petty ass would start telling waitresses when you sit down “hey just a heads up, my girlfriend will probably send the food back after it arrives and then demand a discount on the bill so just be ready for that.” If she really sees no problem with the behavior then she shouldn’t have any problem being open about it right? I’m sorry but your gf is a shit person. I could never date someone like that.
This girl needs to do a shift in a restaurant and experience a customer like herself
Tell her on the way to the restaurant. “we are agreeing now to tip at least 15% or I won’t be going tonight.” Let the fight happen first. Calmly tell her you knew that would happen, so brought it up first. Tell her you don’t want to be in these positions anymore, so she needs to think about if she can change these things or not. Tell her you see that is how her family is. But that you’re asking her to consider changing because you are trying to make a new family. That means you would now do things your own way- not automatically like either of your parents.
If she is that great outside of all this then it must be a matter of understanding. Try to help her understand. Relationships are supposed to make us learn and grow. Give her that chance. And make sure she understands that this is big for you. If this is your person then it’s sorta your job to try and help her change this. If it can’t be changed then there is your answer.
Honestly, I am betting that maybe she is a worse person than you realize. I don’t see how someone could operate these ways and think these things and be all that great.
With all due respect, dude, but is your GF a Karen?
She’s 32. No way this is just parent influence. She believes she is correct.
Personally I’ve never seen anyone who behaved this way in restaurants and didn’t have similar courtesy issues in other situations. I mean, I don’t know everyone but imo her attitude tends to not be singular.
Not petty at all. I would be absolutely mortified to be associated with this person at a restaurant.
>>I’ve tried explaining time and time again and it goes in one ear and out the other.
*Stop going to restaurants with her* and tell her why. I just could not.
But it’s a character defect, not a petty flaw. Your gf mistreats service industry people, who work very hard for their money. This is not a petty flaw like forgetting to put the cap on the toothpaste. She is a chiseler. And, consider — she doesn’t respect your reasonable opinion enough to realize that she’s being a monster. Also consider that “she’s nice to me but treats the waiter like shit” is a trope, and for a reason.
You said she’s a kind, reasonable, sweet, person, but if that’s the case, she’s putting on an act. When she’s in a restaurant she has a position of power over those serving her. She is using it. I think she’s worse then you realize. “Kind” people don’t act like this.
Idk how you put up with her. I’d be beyond embarrassed to be with someone like this in public, who treats others like they are less
I wouldn’t eat out with someone like this, I’d be mortified.
I would refuse to go out to eat with her again until she changes the way she treats the wait staff and the way she tips ( or starts allowing you to tip)
And I would make absolutely sure she understands why.
It’s definitely not petty. I would hate going out to eat with someone who behaved that way. It actually says a lot about her character and how much she wants to center herself and her needs above others.
It’s also exhausting for anyone who’s dining out with her to have to experience that. It probably greatly reduced how much you enjoy the experience.
I would never go out to eat with her again. How embarrassing!! When she asks you to go out to eat say “I’m no longer going out to eat with you. You become entitled, have no manners, are shit tipper for the nightmare of a customer you are and frankly I am humiliated to be seen with you. Until you can recognize your ridiculous behavior, going out to eat together is no longer an option.” That should wake her up and save the restaurants from her gross behavior.
This isn’t petty, this is straight up disrespect. She sees service workers as below her and seems to have a Princess complex when out to eat. If she isn’t willing to actually listen to you, then it’s up to you if you want to deal with this.
This is not petty, This would be a biggy with me and I would have stopped seeing them early on. This is ingrained deeply with her as to the disrespect she has for the service industry. It doesn’t matter whether or not she got this from her parents. How would you feel if you were in the waitstaff/chef’s position? She sounds like a “Karen” or should move to a country where tipping isn’t done.
This would end any relationship for me.
I’m surprised you lasted 2 years with a person like this. I would’ve dumped them after 2 months.
There is absolutely, positively no way this kind of attitude doesn’t leak into the rest of her life somehow.
I guarantee you all waitstaff hate her. Not dislike, *hate.*
This isn’t petty at all and should be a serious concern because if this is how she is while eating out I wonder if she’s like this in other parts or situations. She needs a wake up call for sure.
[deleted]
I don’t find this “petty” at all. Goes to core personality and values. Seems like a pretty big red flag to me OP
Gotta say… my wife and I actively dodge couples where one of them is like your girl.
Food for thought (no pun lol)
You will soon discover this is beyond an eating-out or tipping issue.
You will figure it the hard way
this is actually one of the major dating red flags. i promise you, it’s not just limited to wait staff. this is a window to her soul.
I can’t imagine someone being like this in a restaurant and not being completely awful in other aspects of life. She sounds abhorrent.
*When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.*
*Maya Angelou*
Her behavior and actions show you her true character. You can explain until the cows come home but the truth is she’s a shitty human being.
Honestly, poor restaurant etiquette is a massive deal breaker for me. Attractive quality in someone. Apparently one of the things that first attracted my partner to me was how I treated service workers, and I honestly, how people treat people they view as being beneath them tells you a lot about that person
If she deliberately took back the tip I left, I would have her go wait in the car and personally hand the cash to the server and apologize for her behavior because holy crap this would be a deal breaker
>How the hell do I convince her that this type of behavior needs to change and is really bothersome and anti-social?
OP, you can’t. You are going to either have to accept that this is who she is or leave. I vote for you to leave
She’s a shitty person. Good people don’t treat others this way.
You’re the asshole too, by the way. If you’re dining with her and regardless of who pays, you leave the server with a 5% tip, and you argue down the bill every time, that’s on you. You need to grow a backbone, dude.
My man.
No one here believes this:
>Everywhere else she is a kind, reasonable, sweet person
because kind, reasonable, sweet people don’t treat people like that, my man. If they do – then by definition – they are not kind, reasonable, or sweet.
People in positions of power reveal their true nature pretty quickly, particularly when interacting with individuals they have power over.
Your gf sucks. You’re not being the slightest bit petty and this would have been a dealbreaker for me the FIRST time it happened.
At any rate – people who treat service staff poorly are assholes. Straight up. Where she learned this behavior is completely irrelevant. You shouldn’t be with an asshole. Let her go find another asshole to date and they can asshole around together.
No way this is the only thing, my man. Also: you realize her family is part of the deal if you marry her, right? You sure you want to marry into that nonsense?
You’re not being petty. Tell her to stop, and if she won’t – leave. You can do better. 100%.
Good luck, my man.
So I had an ex who behaved like this at restaurants, not quite as bad though. He ended up getting more and more controlling as time went on and I think back on that being one of the red flags. You may not see how this behavior spreads to other parts of her life but eventually you will.
I mean to be fair this would bother most people that aren’t totally out of touch with reality lol
That would really really bother me too. I don’t like when people are cheap with tips. It’s the one thing you shouldn’t be a cheapskate on. Especially since she’s one of the people who’s constantly having problems and sending food back.
She sounds incredibly **entitled**.So regardless If she was taught this behavior, she doesn’t seem to think there’s a problem with it. Which is concerning to say the least lol I would tell her you no longer want to eat out because her behavior is off putting and honestly embarrassing to be around and maybe it will give her a wake up call- cuz she kinda needs it
But for what it’s worth, the fact she just by default thinks bare minimum to a service worker is acceptable is kinda enough for me to not want anything to do with that person. I feel like it kinda speaks volumes to her character and how she probably treats people in general