He’s finally open to reconciling but I don’t think I am
Hello. I’ve deleted all of my previous posts pretty much because I got so sick of getting the same old comments and messages.
Yeah. I fucked up, I own it without pride because I regret my decision to cheat.
Last year, I told my husband everything, all the way down to the grimy details to any and every question he had. I’ve had therapy since my last cheating “episode” (only ever had ONS) never a full blown ea or relationship outside of my current. (We are married and have been together for 4.5 years and have two young kids.) ever since I confessed everything to him, things naturally took a turn for the worst. A lot of hateful words and a lot of flip flopping of “ I want you/ I hate you I want a divorce”
It gradually got worse and turned into emotional abuse (which has been verified by all three of my therapists) I convinced myself I needed to put up with it as it was consequences to my past actions. I thought I could settle for it. The past few months, I have began to lose feelings. I have had more time to truly think about everything and I don’t believe I can settle for an absent partner however this doesn’t go without saying he didn’t settle for one as well. For the first three years of our relationship he settled for an absent partner who continued to cheat on him and lie to him, when he wanted me the most I wasn’t there. And I can admit that. I have shame but I will never lie again.
Recently I told him, I’m ready for a divorce as it’s all he’s been asking for, mentioning and wanting for the past year and i declined the idea of it until recently. After mentioning this, he now suddenly wants to try, apparently he’s been thinking about reconciliation for the last month but didn’t open his mouth until I told him I wanted a divorce. Something about failing the kids and he wants his family.
I’m not sure what to do, how to think or how to feel. Not sure if this is a vent post or an advice needed post but oh well.
I’ve dumped my heart and soul into him which was an empty pit of nothingness for him to finally be ready to try to fix this when I’m about ready to walk out of the door yet I feel guilty for wanting to do so. I feel like I owe it to him to stay although a part of me wants to leave. We both made each other feel like we didn’t matter how do we come back from this. Without the kids what do we have? I was convinced for a year how unwanted and unloved I was, all for him to want me as soon as I say I want to leave.
With this being said, I have began to have feelings for one of our mutual friends and I’m very unsure of what to do.
6 comments
You poor poor thing. I can only hope he wakes up and leaves you. I mean that honestly.
You need to work on yourself, not your sham of a marriage.
This stood out most of all “I’ve dumped my heart and soul into him which was an empty pit of nothingness” Yeah the empty pit of nothingness you openly and willingly created. You fucked up your marriage beyond fixable, now you’re upset that it’s about to be over. Give me a break.
What have you done to repair the marriage that you broke? I don’t read anything in your OP about that.
You sound a little narcissistic quite frankly.
And if you can’t be honest on an anonymous platform, how can he begin to trust you?
First, you said: ” (only ever had ONS) ”
Then you say: ” For the first three years of our relationship he settled for an absent partner who continued to cheat on him and lie to him, when he wanted me the most I wasn’t there”
Which is it?
Also, “only ever had ONS” minimize much? Are you always this defensive about your wrong doings?
I mean just leave the poor guy, I know he says he wants to try but he’s just afraid of the change, it’s scary but he will be fine and he will realise how much happier he is as soon as the divorce is finalised. He will move on and meet someone who loves him. Why you had children with a man you didn’t respect or truly love is beyond me, and don’t say you did love him because you wouldn’t have spread your legs for nearly the entire marriage if you did, and your already developing feelings for someone else. If you stay with him you’re only going to cheat again and again until he finally gets the courage to grant a divorce. Save both of you the wasted time and effort and just call it a day now.
Has any of your three therapists diagnosed you as a narcissist? You check every box
Reconsider when you lost your feelings. Then end it. It’s a mess.
Marriage is like a glass bowl. You break it and can try your best to glue it back together, but it will never look the same as it did before, even if it does continue to be a usable bowl. The cracks will always be there. And a betrayal like that is a serious fall.
You made your bed. You should leave before you do any more damage. He’s not in any kind of state to make a decision to stay together. You broke him. Maybe next time you’ll be more careful.