Hi everyone. This is a throwaway.
I (32m) am in a marriage with my (27f) wife. We have Been married nearly a year, but together for 8.
I have been recently working away from home and have been thinking a lot about my relationship and how I’ve been unhappy since before marriage.
My wife is very codependent. She needs me by her side at all times. If I’m playing a game she needs to be by my side. If I’m working on my car she needs to be in the garage with me. If I am showering, she wants to be in the bathroom talking to me. I nearly every time I walk out of a room, she follows. It is a lot.
But recently, while out of town I’ve realized how toxic the relationship has been after being around so many other people in LTR’s. Every night I’ve been gone she has been crying on the phone with me until she falls asleep. Every night for the past month+. But none of the other people had these occurrences over the past month.
She has a few mental health problems that have never been addressed and when we got married it was going to be so that she could get help. I had told her that being with her would be dependent on her seeking help. It’s been nearly a year and…I haven’t been able to get her to go to a therapist or psychologist. It is never the right time. I’ve given her names, phone numbers, and told her I would make an appointment if she needed. Never went. Except for the one time her current business partner recommended it. Her first appointment is a week before our one year anniversary.
She is also a heavy consumer of alcohol. Uses it as a daily stimulant to stop shakes and “think” clearly. She told me this the *day* before leaving to get married. She had been hiding it for 7 years. I was just blinded. She had just lost her favorite job due to alcohol on her breath, and has lost the last 2 jobs that way.
I have always been truthful with her, telling her what I was doing, where I was at, who I was with. However while on this last trip, she got very jealous over my roommates. I would tell her I am having dinner and drinks with my 4 other roommates and she would find some reason to call. I know for a fact that it’s because she thought I was cheating. Same thing happened when I invited over the main person I was training. She made it a point to call me multiple times to ~~ensure I wasn’t lying.~~ get some small piece of information.
It’s been rough. She has been very emotionally manipulative and twisting words. Recently her grandfather was admitted to the hospital and last night she needed to hear my voice. Wanted me on the phone with her to prevent a mental breakdown. Not talking to her, but just have the phone on until I was done making dinner and doing homework. She cried and cried and cried when I told her I just want to try and cook dinner for myself and do my homework before calling her back. She called me 3 times in an hour.
We live together with my parents. We have been trying to save to buy a house. We don’t have any savings for a house due to her not working for pay.
TLDR: wife is emotionally draining me while I’ve been away from her working in another city. Overly jealous and needy. To the point that I feel suffocated and I don’t know how to go about fixing or leaving the relationship.
Edit: I’ll be sure to get to everyone soon, but firstly, thank you all so much for that understanding and advice. I truly appreciate the time you all took to respond. It means a lot.
25 comments
Sounds like your looking for validation for leaving your wife. No one can answer this for you, you already know it’s toxic, you know she’s been giving you false hope and false promises, you know she’s lied about something very severe.
I’m guessing since you’re already posting here you’ve already made your mind up and you’re looking for someone to tell you you’re doing the right thing.
Hey! I’m so so sorry you’re going through this. Sometimes it takes stepping away and having some perspective to see the situation you’re in. It’s so easy to get caught up in the cycle of a relationship, so I’m glad this trip has shaken things up a bit.
This is a really tough spot and no matter what direction you go in this relationship, there is a tough road ahead. But a few things that hopefully can help you off the bat as you think about this:
1. You are NOT crazy or overreacting; this behavior by your wife and her expectations of you within the marriage ARE suffocating, abnormal, unfair and it sounds like manipulative at times. Her hiding her alcoholism from you for 7 years and telling you right before marriage is a major violation of trust.
2. If you decide to leave this relationship, you are not “mean.” You are not “giving up.” You are not “abandoning her.” It’s not mean to leave a situation in which you are unhappy and drained. Leaving a toxic situation that is not working is not the same as giving up – you have no obligation to be miserable for years and years. And you’re not abandoning her because she is her own person, not a lost kitten. I know firsthand how hard it can be to end a relationship with someone who is really dependent and helpless – the guilt is intense! But the truth is, she is not happy either – she would just rather be unhappy in a relationship than alone. But that doesn’t mean you have to have the same priorities. Like me, I’d bet that maybe you’d rather be alone than unhappy!
3. At risk of sounding overly poetic: you do not owe anyone your one precious life.
I know there are more logistical things to think about and decisions to make as you decide how to move forward in this relationship. But I feel it’s important first for you to take this realization you had really seriously and to make sure you don’t talk yourself back into the same miserable cycle.
I hope this helps. Sending you love and good luck.
Damn, that sounds like a tough situation. Have you tried talking to her about how you feel? Maybe she doesn’t realize the toll it’s taking on you. And if she still refuses to get help, then maybe it’s time to reevaluate things. Just my two cents though.
It sounds like her alcoholism is very serious. It’s impossible to know if the rest of her behaviour is because of the alcohol, or withdrawal, or just her personality. I don’t think the relationship is fixable when one person is an alcoholic who refuses to seek treatment.
This relationship sounds incredibly toxic. I can’t even imagine having to deal with this. She needs a LOT of help. You deserve much better than this – please rethink your relationship bc this is so far from okay, let alone normal.
I don’t see any conceivable way this marriage could work unless she was serious about getting help for her alcoholism and codependency/mental health issues. Whether you choose to stay or not is no one’s choice but your own, of course. I highly recommend that if you do choose to stay, you do so on the condition she seeks treatment FOR REAL this time.
She is an alcoholic, refuses to get help, toxic, please re-read this post to help you file for a divorce, my man. It is okay to end the relationship, if you so choose, despite you all being together for so long.
Wow that’s bad. What do your parents think? Does she have friends or family. I mean you are married in sickness and in health right? She has an obligation to get better as well. Sounds like she is a full blown alcoholic. I’d keep the peace until you get home and tell her you’ve played nice and been supportive, it’s not working. You are putting your foot down and establishing an ultimatum. She goes to therapy twice a week or you are leaving. It’s possible even going away for treatment for 60 days or so would greatly help. Those are her options. She is an alcoholic and needs to be sober. By doing this you are also doing what’s best for her
she’s an actual alcoholic and you are clearly so freaking tired and emotionally drained.
You’re allowed to leave. You’re also allowed to demand relationship counseling.
Your wife has been with you since she was an young adult. She didn’t get the chance to figure out who she was without someone attached to her. That probably explains part (not all) of the codependence. As an adult, it’s only ever been you.
Why are you with her? She has AT MINIMUM an active addiction that she refuses to get help for. Life is too short to be this unhappy.
Your wife needs an inpatient detox and rehab program if she drinks to make “the shakes” go away and can’t think clearly without alcohol in her system.
The codependency with you is a secondary issue right now. Your wife is quite literally drinking herself to death, and you need to act accordingly. You cannot physically force her into treatment, but you can make inpatient treatment a requirement of your marriage.
So for years, she hid the fact that she’s an alcoholic til the day before your wedding, and you didn’t immediately call it off? What?
OP, I don’t think you can save this. Your wife is not just an alcoholic, but one who is very deep into it. The “shakes” are withdrawal symptoms…she can’t go through a shift at work without drinking.
And look, I’m not blaming you for not noticing that, but I’m confused that you could completely not know about her drinking if it was that severe, after 7 years of dating.
Regardless, you need to leave her. The alcohol and the extreme emotional instability…she needs to get serious help for herself.
OP, if she is to seek treatment, it has to be because that’s what she wants and not that she is doing it for you. You are only 32 and still have a lot of living to do, you need to decide if this is the life you want. How long are you willing to invest in this sinking ship? Let me tell you, thinking you can rescue another is not going to end well. She needs to help herself.
You deserve to live a happy healthy life. Right now, I don’t think you have either of those things.
Separation. You consider continuing the marriage if she seeks treatment for her alcoholism.
You kinda snuck that in there. That’s a giant issue OP. She’s got withdrawal symptoms daily. She hid it for 7 years?
Find her a treatment program and look into how to intervene here without causing harm
It sounds like the current situation is no longer acceptable. You can either tell your wife to start sorting out her own problems in therapy (if you’re willing to stick it out provided she makes an honest effort), or you can leave. Do not do any couples therapy until she spends some time working on her own issues first.
>She has a few mental health problems that have never been addressed and when we got married it was going to be so that she could get help. I had told her that being with her would be dependent on her seeking help.
You married her, fully aware of her mental issues that weren’t being treated. So, it makes sense that she still has those mental issues, which are now compounded by her drinking problem. See a divorce attorney. Draw up the papers. Inform her family/support system that you plan to serve her divorce papers so that she has people prepared to support during the process. Next time, do not ignore red flags. Seek therapy to process why you would accept such a relationship to begin with.
Oh God, you are in a toxic unhealthy relationship…
And make no mistake, she IS alcoholic. She needs to be addressing that and you need to give her an ultimatum about that. No abstinence, no marriage.
If she still refuses to work on herself, I’m afraid you need to leave. You can’t help an alcoholic who refuses help. She will drag you down with herself.
Her attachment is probably also related to her alcohol consumption… That is not remotely normal. And you should have put boundaries in place long ago… Like being with you in the shower?! Really? No, she can’t…. And she can’t keep calling you 3times in an hour and every night for every dinner.
If you tell her you are going to have dinner with colleagues. Don’t disturb, then you put your phone on silent and do not pick it up while you are busy. Please. She is harassment…. And she doesn’t even live alone but with parents, so she is not alone all the time.
You’ve gotten some good advice here, but I also want to warn you that your wife cannot withdraw from alcohol on her own now. Like others have said, those “shakes” she gets are physical withdrawal symptoms from alcohol, and there can be serious consequences from not following a medical protocol while withdrawing (there can be permanent brain damage). It doesn’t sound like your wife is planning on detoxing any time soon, but in case she does something rash, like stopping drinking, to try to keep you around, she might seriously harm herself without taking medical precautions. She needs to know this, even if she might be in denial about her issues.
Come on over to r/AlAnon
If she is getting shakes that means that quitting without being medically monitored could kill her. Alcohol depresses your nervous system and when drinking for a long period your body adjusts and gets used to this depressant. Then if you stop drinking all of a sudden there is too much input from your nervous system for your brain to process. It’s literally like a power surge to your computer. And just like a computer it can fry the CPU (your brain).
OP, your wife needs help. This journey is going to be a very long one for her. You have to ask yourself if you really have it in you to spend the next several YEARS going through recovery with her. This is not a job for someone who isn’t 150% committed to the relationship. Sadly, I think you may be much better off ending things with her now and rebuilding your life. She’s not going to be able to rebuild your life together for a very long time.
I understand that you’re going through a really tough situation in your marriage, and it’s completely okay to feel this way. It seems like you genuinely care about your wife, but her neediness, jealousy, and problems with alcohol have been causing difficulties. It’s essential to approach this with kindness and empathy.
First, have a heartfelt conversation with her about how you’re feeling. Let her know that you’re struggling and that you’re not blaming her but want to work together to make things better. When talking about her neediness, try to explain that you value your personal time and space, and it’s necessary for your well-being. Reassure her that you still love her, even when you need a little space.
When it comes to her jealousy, help her see that it’s about trust and reassurance. Tell her that you’re fully committed to the relationship, and her jealousy is causing unnecessary stress for both of you.
Regarding her mental health and alcohol use, remind her about the promise she made to seek help. Express your concern for her well-being and explain that you’re willing to support her every step of the way. Let her know that you want what’s best for her and that you’re not judging her.
Approaching these conversations with kindness and understanding can make a big difference in how she responds and how you both work together to improve your marriage. Remember, it’s about helping each other through tough times.
Her drinking problem sounds very serious and will have very serious ramifications on her body if she doesn’t stop. Because of her dependence, it will also put her body in danger if she does stop. She needs to detox, either in a detox facility or a hospital, followed by in patient rehab.
That being said I just want you to hear this: even though you are her partner, “fixing” this is not on you. For people to really change, they have to want to. it has to come from the inside. You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make him drink! (Or stopping drinking in this case 😅 sorry for my gallows humor)
I recommend for you to join a support group for those who’s loved ones have substance use disorders, such as Al-Anon. You aren’t alone, and you can get through this 💜
I agree with what others have written. I just wanted to add a few things.
You can’t fix an alcoholic. She won’t get better unless she wants to stop drinking, and only she can do the work she needs to do. She will need medical assistance to stop, and she’ll almost certainly need inpatient treatment (ie. residential rehab). That said, you cannot allow her to continue to live with you, in your parents’ home, if she won’t make a genuine effort to get the help she needs. Can she go and live with her own parents? Are you able to stage some sort of intervention, involving you, both sets of parents and some friends? What you need to make clear to her is that staying where she is is not an option you can support, and you and your parents can’t enable her to keep drinking herself to death.
Whatever you do, do not have a child with this woman while she’s an active alcoholic. Do everything humanly possible to avoid that. If she gets pregnant you will bring upon yourself – and the child – the trials of Job. Fetal alcohol syndrome is real, and you and the child will never be able to make a clean break.
I know you love her, but you can’t save her from herself. Only she can do that, and she won’t do it until she’s no longer being enabled.