if you and your spouse are both at home

39 comments

1. It’s about setting expectations and being reliable.

   If it’s saturday and I’m at home with my wife, I’m going to give her a heads up if I’m not going to be where she expects me to be. “Hey, I’m heading to the grocery store, be back in just a bit”. The idea of disappearing from the house without letting my wife know where I’m going is extremely strange to me.

   Obviously I’m away from her quite a bit… I got to work, have hobbies that get me out of the house, but I almost always give her a heads up about where I’m going to be.

2. Hmmm I go to the store I tell my wife in going to the store *wife* ok…

   I dont see the problem, I don’t see it as controlling.

   Each to thier own, but I like to know when my wife leaves the house.

   Now do I want to know if she goes store to store of course not. She does let me know when she is coming home so I can go out and unload the car.

   She will go out with her friend to the restaurant go shopping etc. She might mention do I need this or that at the store.

   I myself find it off to leave the house without kissing true wife and saying I’m off to such and such.

3. Uh yeah. It would be super weird if my spouse is there one second then just disappears. We aren’t roommates. It’s not about control, it’s just common relationship decency. If she decides to go to target after going to the grocery I don’t expect her to text and “inform” me. But up and walking out of the house without saying anything seems super bizarre to me.

4. Do we have to tell each other where we are going? No absolutely not, neither of us would care.

   That being said, we’re best friends, we text all day every day. It comes naturally to tell each other where we are going and when we think we’ll be home. It just comes normally in our daily conversations. We text about what we’re dealing with work, what we’re having for lunch, funny shit that happens, sending each other memes, we talk about everything so we usually know what the other is doing and where. It’s not a requirement, it’s just something that comes naturally.

5. We don’t work from home but I can go an entire work day without us talking. On the rare occasion, he may run out somewhere without telling me like the gas station while I’m out running errands and come home to find he’s not there and he’s usually back within a few minutes.

   But yeah, we let each other know where we are going.

6. My wife and I are never at mystery locations for undetermined amounts of time.

7. Have you considered that some people like their spouses?

8. It’s very rare for me not to contact my husband all the time. If either of us don’t reply for hours, we do assume the other is busy- but the busy person will see lots and lots of texts when they see their phone (mostly the other talking about their day). I know my parents and his parents do this too. If we haven’t talked the whole day, we literally don’t do anything in the evening but f and talk and no chores get done. We just don’t like being apart, even though we work 8-10 hours a day. Probably cuz our first 3 years together was long distance spanning countries.

   It really depends on what your relationship is like! I don’t think I could do this with any of exes but to my husband I always wanna talk I guess? It seems very clingy but people wouldn’t know we were like that if they saw us.

9. To me it would be really weird if one of us just up and left. We are usually always together if we’re at home – if not doing the same thing, in the same room together. To me it’s just respectful to give your partner an idea of your plans and how long you’ll be gone.

   If I don’t hear from him I can get anxious about it so we do well in keeping contact with each other if we’re apart. If I know he’s at work I’m fine, but I get worried when he drives to work very early or late.

   But for the most part, we just go and do whatever we need to together (if we’re both home). Maybe we’re what other people would call ‘co-dependent’ but we’re just close and enjoy being around each other as much as possible lol.

10. I can handle being apart just fine. But I still communicate and like to be communicated with. How hard it is to say “I’m going to the store”

11. My husband and I are that couple who don’t like being apart. If we are both home one of us wants to go out, we say “hey, let’s go out and do such and such” and we both get ready and go and have loads of fun together. Neither of us work from home though and have different jobs and work hours. We also do message each other when we are apart or even call each other if we can. We are both allowed to go spend time with our friends though alone and we are always both invited any time we both want to go with said friends.

    But a recent event of above where my husband went bowling with a group of friends while I was at work, we still texted each other when we could. Mostly just I love yous, I miss you, and kissy faces. When it was about my time for him to come pick me up from work and he wasn’t there yet, I did call to check in and make sure I didn’t need a co worker to drop me off at home. He simply apologized and said he got to talking a bit longer with them and about lost track of time and said he was on his way. I then apologized for interrupting and him nor his friends were upset I had called. When he picked me up, him mentioned his friends were jealous about our relationship and wish their wives/gfs were like me and even said “how did you get so lucky?”.

    Everyone relationship dynamic is different. What works for one couple may not work for another. Every relationship is different. As long as both people are happy, that’s all that matters.

12. I don’t have separation anxiety and I dont care where my husband goes nor does he care where I go but I would NEVER consider walking out of the house without telling him where I am going.

    It’s basic respect to not just up and walk out without a word. It seems beyond weird to me that people do that! What if there was an emergency? Am I supposed to search the house not knowing that he isn’t even home?

    I would always say “hey, I’m headed to the store. Need anything? Be back soon.”

13. I generally don’t get much of a chance to talk to my wife on weekdays due to work. But if we’re both home then oh yeah we say where we are going. I never think of it as intrusive or over sharing as much as it’s wasteful if you need something from a place we’re going to. Like why would I run to the store for grenades if she’s already at the grenade store. Or if I’m getting food from Mars maybe she wants some as well.

14. It’s a courtesy. We let each other know where we are going and when we get there so the other one doesn’t get worried.

15. Yes. If I got into an accident or something I would want him to know around where I was so he could call the police and ask after me.

16. Surely if you are living with someone in an intimate relationship letting them know what you are doing is just a courtesy thing? Almost like part of the communication with each other that you should have?

17. I go hours without hearing from my partner. That’s normal with his job. It’s not killing me. Would I like to hear from him more throughout the day? Sure. But his demands at work are different than mine. I’m with you, if you can’t go a couple hours and need to constantly check in, you’re not okay. You probably have unchecked trust issues.

18. Yes, I tell my wife where I’m going. If it is a day trip I text that I have arrived safely. After that I do not text or it maybe one text during the time away. I text when I’m leaving to come home from the long day away. It is a common courtesy IMO.

19. I think it depends. I will always tell my husband where I am going and how long I anticipate being out. If I clearly said “I’m meeting a friend for lunch, I’ll probably be out for the afternoon.” I wouldn’t check in after 2 hours but I likely would send a text around hour 3-4 and provide an update. A simple “just finished lunch, we are having a great conversation and are going to go to the store together. I’ll probably be back around 5. Hope your day is going well, I’m excited to spend time with you later!” Or something.

    If I leave for an unspecified amount of time I might check in earlier. He does the same for me.

    It’s nice to know where the other person is, that they are safe, etc. I generally also text while at work (at least a thoughtful lunch break text like “Hey I love you! How is it going today?”) and he does the same. He occasionally calls on a break. He has a long commute on a road with many accidents so he generally lets me know he got there safe and usually sends a curtesy text if he is going to be home late due to overtime.. and often to tell me he’s on his way. It would be odd if I didn’t hear from him all day.

    I don’t think it’s controlling. We actually like each other and care.

    We also just send each other things about our day. “The kids did the cutest thing!” Or “I finished the project I was stressed about!” Whatever. We talk a lot. Occasionally people have said they thought that was odd, but I feel we have a very healthy marriage with the right amount of communication *for us.* We are both happy and appreciate that.

    I think you need to do what is best for you without regard for an unrelated marriage.

20. I can’t imagine my wife just putting on her coat and driving away without telling me that she’s doing so. That’s weird.

21. I think it’s the courteous thing to do. Communication is good. That being said, I do and my husband does not, and it has caused us to fight. If he tells me he’s going to get gas but he’s gone for 2.5 hours, I worry that something has happened to him. I am not necessarily anxious to be away from him, and I don’t really care where he is or what he’s doing but I do worry about safety, especially if our kids are with him.

22. Of course I tell my wife. She wants to know where she’s going.

    I was in the military, we’ve spent deployments apart. We don’t see the need to do it anymore. If I’m going somewhere, so is she. If she’s going, so am I.

    However, we are more than capable of being apart without anxiety issues. We just choose not to.

23. I think it’s more about consideration than anything else. For example you have young kids. If you tell your spouse you are heading to the store it lets them know they need to keep any eye on the kids for a bit.

24. Absolutely. I want him to know where I’m going, what I’m doing, and about how long I’ll be, in case of an emergency. Imagine if I just leave for a 10-minute errand, without him knowing, and then three hours later, he comes to my home office to ask me a question and I’m gone. He doesn’t know how long I’ve been gone. He doesn’t know where I am. He can’t estimate when I *should* have been back. I could be lying in a ditch somewhere bleeding out.

    Plus, I absolutely love my spouse, and want him to have this information. He’s not my roommate, he’s the love of my life. I’m okay being away from my spouse for an entire day, but I hate it when we’re separated longer than a day.

25. Common courtesy and respect to tell your partner where you are going. It is not asking for permission, it’s just kind. And maybe if he needs something I don’t know about maybe I can save us an extra trip. Gas isn’t cheap these days. And if I am detained for some reason I let him know.

26. Usually, I let my husband know that I’m leaving and say goodbye. If I’m going somewhere close sometimes I don’t bother because he’s napping or playing games. Usually doesn’t notice when I leave lol

27. It really depends on the marriage and how the couple set up their relationship. I have a feeling that a lot of couples these days have codependent relationships which are not really healthy. If you also add that people are encouraged to “feel” their emotions instead of controlling them, this type of situation shouldn’t be surprising.

28. Telling each other is a sign of respect

29. Of course, we tell each other where we’re going. We can go all day without talking and that’s fine. If we’re both home and someone has to go somewhere, I think it’s rude and weird not to let them know you’re leaving and where you’re going.

30. My husband(31)and I(28) together for 13 yrs, do everything together. We shower together, we do grocery shopping together, we almost never go anywhere without each other except for work. There are occasions like doctor appointments or vet appointments but usually that’s because the other one is at work and can’t go to the appt, otherwise we’d go together. We text back and forth throughout the day everyday. We been together since I was 15 and he was 18 but I came from a abusive home and he came from an emotionally neglected home so both of us really found solace in each other.

    Covid was honestly the best time of our lives. We both got to be home with our kids, we got to do fun things that we had always wanted to do. He is still WFH but I’ve recently got a part time job and it sucks but it’s not hard to be apart. Just sucks that we have to.

31. Gosh, we run errands together. I can’t imagine leaving the house without saying anything to him.

32. My husband and I both work at home. If one of us leaves, we will say heading to the gym or store or whatever. But we both travel for work and with time zones and such we don’t get to talk daily. I’m traveling today and I texted when I got up. He was in a meeting then so he texted when he was free. We have texted asynchronously all day. We probably won’t talk.

    But when we’re both home, he would rather get poked in the eye than take our teen to the mall to buy jeans. And sometimes I want to go to the library and browse without being rushed. He loves science fiction conventions like DragonCon and goes to several per year and the thought of that many people makes me exhausted and irritated.

    We love each other and like being together but we also like to do our own thing at times.

33. My husband and I both wfh and we’re fine being apart for hours. We do communicate and let each other know if we’re leaving, where we’re going, what we’re doing etc. These details will usually give an indication for how long we can expect the other to be gone.

    For example, if my husband says “hey, I’m running to grab x from the grocery store, do you need me to pick anything up?” I might be concerned if 2 hours later he still wasn’t home but if he says “hey I’m heading out to play 18 with Jim” I would never reach out after a few hours.

34. I think it’s a courtesy not an obligation. Especially when there are children. Even if not you should not feel like I have to tell my spouse what I am doing or I’ll get in trouble. More like I’m going to tell my spouse so they don’t worry.

35. Okay so this is how I was raised. I still do this and I’m 26! My parents, whenever I went to hang out with friends, just wanted to know my location and ETA on when I’d be home. I was always home well before curfew (11pm) but it wasn’t an established curfew, just like “hey, we’d like you home around 11. Just let us know.” They both knew I was coming home WELL before that 🤣 as an adult, they have my location on Life360 and I still update them when I leave the house and come home just out of habit.

    So as an adult, what I did with my ex is I’d text him like “hey just left work, going to Walmart then home. Do you need anything?” Just as a standard to set an example for him. He, on the other hand, would not communicate this to me. He wouldn’t let me know where he was and it “wasn’t any of my business.” But he had to know where I was. I was more anxious not knowing where he was or when he’d come home… or if he was coming home. If I knew what he was up to, we’d probably have less problems.

    So yeah, TLDR; tell your spouse what you’re up to. Peace of mind is so nice.

36. My husband and I always tell each other if we are going out. Even if we don’t say exactly where we are going we will at least give the general area we will be in.

37. Neither my husband nor I leave home without telling each other where we’re going.

    But with that said,even though we know each other’s locations, we still call each other just to say hi and ask how it’s going.

    We’ve been together for 12yrs.

    And I always miss him when he isn’t home and he always says the same when I’m not home.

38. Agree 1000% with the OP. My wife is like this and it drives me crazy at times. She seems very attentive when I leave the house but truthfully, I’m part of the problem. Earlier in the marriage she was worse but we had a CTJ meeting.

    I feel like it’s also a form of control too on her part.

39. In my opinion, it is being polite to tell my husband if I’m going somewhere. Not like I’m asking for permission but if I’m going to the supermarket, does he need anything while I’m there.