I’ve been with my partner for over 2 years and it’s only in the last 6 months he’s been slacking off with my needs and essentially using me as a human sex doll. At first it was just here and there which didn’t bother me too much, but now it’s more frequent as it’s become a habit.
To the point he jumps in the shower with me unexpectedly, does the thing and runs off as soon as he ejaculates just as I was getting warmed up.
It’s now even happening in bed, I find it kind of unfair that I’m expected to just sit there awkwardly with ‘blue flaps’ because I couldn’t climax fast enough for him and then he rolls over in bed and then resumes watching TV or does stuff on his phone. And due to my work schedule and him being home all the time I’m home, I rarely get opportunity or the privacy to self service. So I’m just really sexually frustrated all the time now. Whereas he works a lot less hours than I and has hours everyday for “me” time.
I want to communicate that it’s not fair that he gets to climax and I don’t if he reaches there first. I know if it was the other way around it wouldn’t fly unless I withdrew consent which I know he would respect… But I don’t have a desire to do that as I quite enjoy our sex – despite this recent thing.
I feel I’m too old to tolerate that in a committed long term relationship, and we are mature enough to have this discussion. I just don’t want to offend him as I have no problem with him cumming first… I just want to be able to climax too even if he’s done. It’s not like he’s bad at it, it’s more I’m on medication now that takes me a bit longer to get there if you get my drift.
Like do I just offer to finish off myself or what? I don’t know how to open this conversation without him potentially taking it the wrong way and getting defensive that he’s inadequate.
Our relationship is perfect in everyway otherwise and I’d love to eventually marry him. This is just been bothering me lately as I feel my sexual needs are being neglected.
39 comments
Do you really care whether this “offends” him? I sure wouldn’t.
Don’t offer piv or allow him to complete until you get yours first. Demand it and hold him to it
He’s being offensive by not caring about your needs. During a calm, non-sexual time, talk with him about the change in your sex life and what you need. If he actually cares about you, he’ll adapt to make you happy.
Yeah, just tell him I’m not done so you aren’t done.
if he has been doing this for 6 months then it’s not recent. Because of medication, you now cannot cum as fast so you’re noticing it. I’m sure he was always like this, but you came in enough time for him to not lose interest and now he doesn’t care because you can’t. His honeymoon phase is over. He’s selfish in bed and it needs to be brought to his attention otherwise he’ll expect you to just put up with it cause ‘it’s never been a problem before’. Say “hey, I’m not getting off anymore. Like…ever. If I don’t get off next time then we’re done getting you off.” Cause no matter how much you enjoy sex with him, it’s not actually worth it and someone else would probably rather spend hours getting you off before they even came. I have a partner like that and our sex life is phenomenal.
“Hey, we’re going to extend foreplay tonight because I’d like to actually have an orgasm before you roll over and resume watching TV.”
Tell him – I am not finished. Next time first my orgasm then you.
I find it so hard to believe this is the only way he is selfish. Humans just don’t work like that.
Nah I’d just bust out a vibrator right in front of him and finish. While never breaking eye contact. Then sigh to myself “ahh he never lets me down.”
Why are you so concerned about offending him when dudes straight up ignoring your needs? Offend him. His behavior is offensive.
The fact that he doesn’t care that you aren’t getting satisfied too is the issue here. If you are mature enough to have this discussion, that would be my first question. He should feel bad. Who cares if he’s offended. He should want to satisfy you.
“Hey, what’s going on? You used to make sure I got off too?”
You’re at an age where you should be able to talk about sex. Regularly check in with each other. Words are cheap, actions matter. Don’t marry him until he gets back on track.
Put his balls in a bowl of ice for as close to 20 minutes. After that learn how to do some edging. Or your dominant motherly instinct and beat his ass into submission.
Ladies. Repeat after me: We 👏 do 👏 not 👏 reward 👏 these 👏 kinds 👏 of 👏 men 👏 with 👏 sex
You can do it better yourself, so just do it yourself. He does it right or he doesn’t do it at all.
There is no way to have this discussion without offending him just like there is no way to have sex and not know your partner did not get off. He knows what he’s doing and he knows you have allowed it. It will continue as long as you allow it. Simply say before you start, I want you to make me cum… by the way “blue flaps” had me rotf!!!
tell him he can’t ride this ride without getting a ticket first
edit: no but real talk why are you having sex with a man who won’t reciprocate? sex is supposed to be mutual pleasure. if only one person is getting off and doesn’t care/not putting in the work to help their partner feel good too, they’re being used as a human sex doll
I mean, isn’t it offensive that he uses you for sex and doesn’t care about your needs? So why would you be concerned about offending him by telling him that he’s being selfish and it’s not fair.
If the truth offends him, so what? Why are you still with him?
Tell him essentially what you said in this post. You’ve noticed that in the past several months you haven’t had orgasms because he will finish without making sure you get off. You feel like you’re not getting your needs met.
It totally makes sense why you’re mad about this. I would be, too. That said – it won’t be effective to broach this when you’re angry. Make sure you talk in a calm, connected moment. Not when you’re mad, not during sex. It’s not an accusation. Don’t tell him it’s not fair. That doesn’t mean sugarcoating it, just be gentle and kind. Tell him you love him and that you want him to make sure that you orgasm when you have sex, too.
If he’s not receptive to that, then you have a lot of good information about the person you’re in a relationship with.
Stop having sex, until he makes you cum 1st.
Tell him that he needs to make sure you finish first otherwise you’re not interested.
“I want to cum too!” It’s as simple as that. And if that’s too much for him to hear… you probably have bigger issues.
approach him sometime when you’re both free and in ok moods (and definitely don’t bring it up right before/during/right after sex). and tell him something like “hey, I wanted to talk to you about something I’ve noticed – I feel like since we’ve moved in, we’ve been doing less foreplay, and we’re not always taking enough time for me to finish” and see what he says. you mentioned in one of your replies that you think he’s aware of what’s going on, so I’d leave it open ended like that so you can hear his response. if he’s defensive or disagrees with you, you might have to be firmer like “I’m telling you this bc I want our sex life to be good for both of us, and for me that means taking the time to finish. I want that to be a regular part of sex. when you have sex with me and roll over/stop engaging with me, it makes me feel like I’m being used for you to masturbate.” something firm and direct. I know you’re getting a lot of responses saying to escalate the situation, and it sounds like that’s not what you’re trying to do at all. I’d approach him like this but if he reacts really poorly, you may have to give him a reality check.
I don’t understand why you can’t just tell him. Just tell him that it bothers you and you want him to put in more effort to make sure you’re satisfied too. Also you should be able to masturbate if you want. No need to be shy about that either.
Communication in the bedroom is key, when my partner asks me for oral or finger play after I’m done I don’t feel emasculated I just feel well informed.
Maybe it was a little awkward the first time it happened but now it has just been par the course, doesn’t happen every time but happy to oblige when able.
Everybody deserves a chance to get off.
Just say you don’t want to have sex with him any more because he’s using you as a sex doll. And refuse to do anything. Actually I would be packing to move out cuz it’s over girl. You just don’t get that yet.
The rules are : Ladies first, every time. Zero PIV until then.
How do you communicate is you first got a test the waters sort of. So before you go full-blown into the conversation, you should see where his mind frame is. How he feels, what’s his opinion, Etc. But also don’t be afraid to express yourself either. Opinions are just, opinions. Advice is only advice. So in other words, believe in yourself and trust what your gut is saying to you .Trust yourself enough to know that you care so much that you want to get past this and grow closer together by showing him that you want to be on the same page with him and that’s the only way you can move forward together as one in your relationship.
Personally though I wish I could say that my my advice or opinion worked for me I’d be lying. Because my situation is similar to yours the only difference being he’s 41 and 35 we’ve been together for 10 years and nothing has changed in the last five when this all started… so I can only hope that it works way better for you and I would take that and appreciate that because that would be enough for me to go on living knowing that if it worked for you maybe it’s not the end for me at least not yetlmao. Trust yourself you got this you’re the only one who knows more than anybody trust yourself. I wish you the best of luck
>I feel I’m too old to tolerate that in a committed long term relationship, and we are mature enough to have this discussion.
Well, if nothing else let this be the test of that. Let your attempt at healthy adult communication determine if this relationship is really as perfect as you hope. As it stands the fact you are scared to raise it at all I think reflects more on the relationship in general than the sex itself.
It’s plausible he is just naive. Maybe since it has never been mentioned that means he assumes everything is fine. That is not a reason not to discuss it, it instead makes clear how urgently you should. Though honestly I think it says a lot about him that he let himself get to this point.
Just be straight about it: you need more help achieving orgasm and want him to assist with it. If that is enough to get him to sulk or make it about himself then really he, and the relationship, are less healthy than you hope.
Do you want to be with someone who doesn’t know this?
just tell him. simply. truthfully. when you’re not in bed and not have any sort of sexy times and no one is upset about anything.
i don’t think snarky is the answer but if i were feeling snarky i’d just pick up my wand after he rolled off. it might also get his mind back in the game
That’s when you get yourself a toy and finish yourself off. If he’s not interested in helping you get there, then do it yourself. He’ll either enjoy it and join in, or ask you why you need a toy when you have him, then you let him know, he’s not the only one who wants to get off.
How to bring it up without offending him: strap him to the bed or chair. Tell him it’s your turn to take control and you’ll release him once you’ve gotten what you wanted for once. Proceed to ride the fuck out of him
Why do you feel that you have to be gentle with his fee fees? He clearly knows what he’s doing and not doing. He doesn’t care. You need to bluntly say, “I need to finish as well. I need more time and more care taken by you to help me get there. You are being selfish and I expect better from a partner. I should have spoken to you a long time ago, but I hoped this would have gotten better. It hasn’t and I’m done being frustrated. What are we going to do to ensure our sex life is pleasurable for both of us?” How he reacts and what he does with this information is all you need to know on the success of this relationship.
Come first? Pre-game if you will. Tell him you want to come first, during and after.
The easiest would be – after he is done tell him something along the line “Hey, I’m not satisfied/done, can you help me finish too” while sounding miserable af. The adult’s way is to simply tell him that you’re dissatisfied with your sex life and that he needs to get you off first since it’s harder and most times takes longer.
Have you tried just talking to him about it?
Rather than accuse him of doing something wrong, be specific about what you want and how you want to get it. You want an orgasm, and you want him to give it to you how? Don’t make it a blame game. Give directions to make it happen. Men are problem solvers. Give him a job to do and let him do it, but be specific.
Blue flaps lol
Deal breaker. I’ve been married 23 years. I cannot imagine treating my partner like this.
Who the shit cares if “offends” him. Sit him down and tell him if he can’t take care of your needs, he will get zero sex….if he does not want to be a partner…dump him and move on.