Edited to add a bit more details!
I (21F) have been in a relationship with my partner (21Nb) for about 5.5 years. We got together in high school and have been living together for 4 years.
As of late having a work/life separation has been difficult especially since we work together, and life at home has become tiresome and stressful.
When we talk it’s very one-sided, and the only time we seem to have any good times is when they make plans to hang out with friends.
For the past few months I have been constantly thinking about breaking up with them, but I am incredibly anxious about doing so or even trying to talk to them about it. I love them dearly, but I feel it has grown from a high school love, to just simply being friends.
We struggle quite often with finances, and having time to myself is rare which takes a massive toll on my mental health.
It doesn’t seem like they want to talk about progress in the relationship but they want us to “be together forever.”
I’m not sure how to approach this, or if I should just simply rip the bandaid off and do my best from there.
At this point, I know what my decision should be and how much it’s going to hurt me.
I guess my question would be, what could I do to make the breakup easier for them?
Any advice is appreciated <3
TLDR; My 5.5yr relationship has hit a wall and I’m not sure whether to end the relationship or try to make progress. Looking for advice or ideas for how to move forward, and how to possibly make it easier for them.
3 comments
You both have moved to a different phase of life, you’re different people than you were when you met. The constant conflict you are experiencing is not healthy, you think about breaking up but the fact that you’re still together means there is conflict within you. You need to think about it less not more, try to clear your head before making a decision. Journal your doubts so that you can organize them, is it valid or something to let go? Is it something you have control over? Once you make a decision be confident, doubts are normal but don’t let them consume you.
Hey! This is so, so tough. First and foremost, I’m proud of you for getting to this decision point. It sounds like this is really well thought out and that you are making the right decision. It’s not easy to get there.
But yes, the next part is even harder! One of the hardest parts about breaking up with someone is that you are going to hurt them. And then the second horrible layer on top of that: for years YOU were the person who comforted them when someone else hurt them. But you can’t hurt them and comfort them at the same time, and that can be SO guilt inducing!
So I’m sure so many people relate to what you’re feeling right now, wanting to make the breakup better for them.
There is no magic spell here. There’s no magic way to break up with someone that causes no pain in the short term. What you can do is help them in the long term by doing a few things:
1. Be extra clear about the reasons you are breaking up, what brought you to this decision and exactly how you feel about them and the relationship (both positive and negative). Do this as kindly as you can of course, but know in the short term they may not agree with you or take it well. But in the long term, this will help them – in my experience one of the hardest parts of processing a breakup is going over all the questions and confusion in your head. So the more clarity you can give them, the better.
2. Give them a chance to say whatever they need to say (either during the initial breakup conversation or in a conversation after they’ve had time to think). This may be angry venting at you, this may be begging, it may be questions. It may be hard for you to hear. But in my experience one of the hardest parts of processing a breakup, especially when you’ve been broken up with, is not having said what you wish you had said. So create space for this.
3. Similar to number 1, but REALLY important. Don’t leave any loose ends. Be clear that this is your final decision. Don’t talk about “maybe someday,” or entertain ways this could be different. The kindest thing you can do is make this 100% a breakup. I know it may only feel 99% in your head (or less!) But this will help them heal.
Anyway, this is going to be really hard. In the short term, they will feel pain (so will you.) But that doesn’t mean it’s the wrong decision. Be clear, kind, and just let it be imperfect and awful and human. And I know neither of you will be there for awhile, but as someone who’s been through long relationships and hard breakups, I’m excited for both of you for what comes next in life, because I’m positive you’ll both be ok and have a big awesome future to thrive in.
Hope this helps!
Things that you need to work in order for a relationship to be healthy: communication, love, respect, trust, and working together. You’re missing a few.
It sounds like you’re roomies with benefits, and that the situation is convenient for them that they want to keep it going. Just because someone says they want to be with you forever, doesn’t mean that they actually do.
When you said one-sided, it’s them being more into you than you being into them? If you’re constantly together, then there is no private time; did you move in together shortly after high school? Did the feelings for them fade after you lived with them?