TL; DR! My boyfriend and I have two different methods of coping during arguments and can’t seem to escape the never ending cycle of arguing because of it.
My boyfriend and I have been together for 1 year and some months. Just some background information on how we first started dating. We were talking and seeing each other for about 3-4 months before we got serious. We had our honeymoon phase of course for the next few months. Everything was good until we had our first few arguments. And ever since those first few arguments, it feels like it never ended.
Presently, we argue over small incidents that shouldn’t be an argument to begin with. My boyfriend mentions that I get bothered by a lot of things and that’s how these arguments begin. For example, there was a day I had gotten bothered and my mood changed while I was at his house. He was playing video games but I had went over to spend some time with him. I was trying to talk to him while he was playing but he wasn’t being responsive because it’s hard for him to do both. I waited until he was done playing the game to talk to him but by that time, my mood had gone sour. I tried to assure him nothing was wrong but I couldn’t get out of my mood and it ruined the whole night. I tried having a normal conversation with him but it bothered him that I was in a sour mood. That’s just one example of an incident where we end up in an argument. Overall, my boyfriend says that we are incompatible. My way of coping with an argument is needing to talk things out. I get anxiety if I don’t try and fix it. He doesn’t like to talk it out immediately. He wants to take some time and come back later. Taking time gives me anxiety because during an argument I don’t feel safe so talking is a way to get back to feeling safe. We have this push and pull dynamic going on for months now during arguments because I need to talk and he needs to retreat. This has caused us to be angry at each other and quick to lose patience with each other. I’m just not sure what to do anymore because I feel at a lost when he’s telling me I suck at trying to talk things out and it doesn’t help the situation any bit. We have tried coming to compromises where I give him a bit a time like 10 minute or something and then we talk about it but that doesn’t seem to work either. Is this really a matter of not being incompatible or just not communicating well?
3 comments
I would do a trial run of both your ways of arguing/ communicating. For example, the best couple of arguments try his way and see what happens, and then after that he tries your way for a couple of arguments and see which method works the best for your relationship. Try to find the positives of each method (he needs to find positives with yours too) and the negatives and see if you guys can come to a compromise once you’re finished trialling it.
I don’t know. Probably not the advice you were expecting to hear but I get you’re frustrated and I feel that. People we’re in relationships tend to bring out some shit in us and we can do the same.
Doesn’t mean everything’s gone sour. Don’t take that as a message of hope or whatever because I’m not selling anything, just take it as I said it. Arguing all the time doesn’t mean you’re not a solid match.
I’ve seen some shit and have lived some shit. Some people that have been together longer than you’d think they ever could were like…obscene cocks to each other all the time. But they were codependent and for them it made sense. They couldn’t see themselves without their mate and vice versa. That fate might be yours too.
Arguing with your partner might actually be the end of you too, that could happen sure why not. You get into this big spat and there you go you’ve gone to the opposite of happy ending because your mouth was this direct pipeline to your heart and you said some shit and they heard it. Or vice versa.
Then you’re single and hey, you learned something from your previous relationship so a golden star for you and your next learning partner who will inevitably be there to fill in the role of “personal lessons you need to learn that can only be delivered by other human beings you’re attracted to.” Endlessly.
How to break this stereotypical mold? Fuck me if I have that answer I don’t.
Arguing endlessly doesn’t mean you’re bad, it doesn’t mean shit. I was once in this relationship with a girl that I was iffy about and through the entire thing we didn’t argue once. And we ended. Then a week later out of the fucking blue she came over and sucked my dick for no reason and that was literally the last physical encounter we ever had and I’ve never seen her since. I think on that relationship from time to time and I still have zero answers.
But we never fought once I’ll tell you that in the fullness of truth not once. By the book we were completely conflict free but in the end? We didn’t make the cut.
Now fast forward a decade, here I am in full throttle love with my partner of a long time, 6 years, we fight. Sometimes it’s cats and dogs, sometimes it’s just pathetic mewling from wounded children who never grew up but we let it all out. I know more about this woman than anyone on this planet including her own dead parents and she knows about as much as me as I do myself. Because sometimes we have it out. And we don’t balance it out with ‘extra love’ or whatever, we do zero work. We’re just together because we like to be together because we have special shit and we do it for each other and that’s all. And I’ll take a bullet for her and I wouldn’t give a shit if she dodged one coming for me because I’d totally get why she wouldn’t because fuck me.
And that’s like the high water mark and it’s beautiful, I totally am in a sense of appreciation every single day and every single day is this mega blessing where I get to be with my ride or die. But 3 days from now? Probably arguing over the dumbest shit you can imagine. “Oh you broke another rib and you’re blaming it one me again? How typical.” “Oh fuck if I only I met someone who wasn’t you that gave a fuck when I’m literally dying here…and it’s all your fault to begin with…”
Hey what I ended up saying was kinda where I started, just because yall argue a lot doesn’t mean anything really. Might be the sign of a relationship you’re in with that particular person and you’re both here to do each other’s head in before you die, so be happy you met that person, they’re special and mean a lot to you and you to them, I mean it.
>he’s telling me I suck at trying to talk things out and it doesn’t help the situation any bit
How do you suck at talking? How on earth could talking not help in an argument?
>We have tried coming to compromises where I give him a bit a time like 10 minute or something and then we talk about it but that doesn’t seem to work either.
Why? What happens?