It seems that everyone is all fine if people talk shit about me and try to make me seem like an idiot but when I stand up for myself people flock to defend the original jerk. It’s like there’s something so wrong with standing up and defending myself that is just unthinkable to do for some reason. Why is this? Does anyone else experience this?
34 comments
Are these people your friends? Seek new ones.
Simple u don’t have the social status…read Machiavelli and 48 laws of power..
People will never support u if u r weak or don’t and won’t have something to offer that is greater than ur abuser …ur first priority is to build power or status….be in a position of power and everyone will support u even if u r wrong…this sub dumb as fuck to the core ..
Not enough context.
This heavily depends on what the joke is, how you responded, intonation, etc.
I believe such similiar encounters have made me an isolated misanthrope at times. Sometimes it could be a matter of group-mentality mixed with bias towards preference to side with an individual. Perhaps it could be people who feel intimidated by you (your presence) and as such will easily view an on-going conflict as a chance to gang up with others to reduce your impact or influence. Now I dont know you. But my own experience is such that people have a way to «humble» those that they fear will challenge them.
And I believe you!
People who step all over you will treat you like a villain when you set boundaries. Don’t think of yourself as a bad person for standing up for yourself and if those people bitch at you for it, find new people to be around
What did say, what did you say?
Because when you call shitty people out on their bullying they get defensive and try to gaslight you into being the bad guy.
Get better friends. You’re better off alone.
Sounds like they dont like you so whatever you say wont change that. Maybe dont be around these people.
Instead of defending yourself, how about questioning the attacker.
“Why would you SAY something like that?”
You need to be more specific about what happened. Without context I can’t really give you a good answer.
If this happens a lot with people you encounter, it’s probably you and you have to figure out what it is your doing that makes people treat you a certain way.
As a person that will stand up for himself AND gotten in at least 6 fights and lots of trouble … here is the deal. If you are defending yourself with their boys in the audience.. even if you whip him.. you will lose because the support is with him. Rule #1: Read the room. Rule #2: always have a verbal comeback, mine is “ Talk is cheap”. Rule #3 : No one truly wins in a physical confrontation… use it only as a last resort and if you must… make them pay. The problem is as you grow up and mature more things you are responsible for may be at risk. Kids, wife etc. Having the tools to NOT engage will become much more valuable to you later on. I’m 55 now and have had my share of fights… they were never worth it. GL
There’s a big difference between standing up for yourself and being offensive, that could be your issue maybe, hard to tell with no context, and frankly it’s not really one you’d likely be able to provide accurate context.
Taking offense when none was meant is another common error/issue when people think they’re standing up for themselves too.
Orrrr your friends are jerks. Likely a combination of all factors though 🙂
A lot of people are really confident in their advice to OP despite an absurd lack of context provided. Another user read this and said OP’s mystery bully is gaslighting him.
Some of you really need to reign it in with the projection.
Bullying? Friends? Not Friends? CONTEXT? or did you just move to Australia 😂
Lots of possibilities:
– You might be underestimating how aggressive you’re coming off when you “stand up for yourself”
– You might be overreacting to a genuinely well intentioned joke from someone without an intention to hurt.
– Your friends aren’t actually your friends.
– You missed a few social cues that are part of the context
It’s hard to know in what you’ve described what’s being left out.
If you believe you did the right thing, then you don’t need to look at other people, or react to what they think. Just tell yourself and them that you believe you did the right thing and you know it. At the same time, try to learn not to overreact and not take it personally when assholes are assholing. Always stand up for yourself when you feel like you’re being harmed in some way.
It’s not you, it’s them who can’t stand your boundaries.
If this happens often, have you considered that you might be TA?
My partner goes from zero to DANGER ZONE in a blink of an eye. She was harassed and bullied at work for years in a very high level position at a corporate law firm and has PTSD because of it.
She’s super sensitive to passive aggressive behavior in others and has pointed out to me so many times where people do it and I just don’t register it. She simply does not back down. Not to a Manager, not to a gas station attendant not to Police. If she feels she is being treated unfairly she voices it and calls people on it right then and there.
Because socially were trained to eat a lot of shit (especially women) it has made for some gruesome encounters. To be clear, she doesn’t go full Karen on people just trying to do their job and she’s not getting her way.
She’s a better person and happier for standing up for herself but ALOT of people take issue with it. The one most frequently heard is “pick your battles.” To which she replies, “I pick them all.”
I heard an analogy once where you have to be able to growl back and show your teeth to let them know they’re stepping out of line. Jokily tell them to fuck off with serious undertones. If you explode then it just shows poor self/emotional control and in their mind getting you to react like that means they’ve ‘won’.
I know it’s easier said than done but with more life experience you’ll get what I mean more and more. Don’t let shit slide but don’t completely overreact because I can guarantee you they won’t think twice about whatever they said to you later whereas you will be letting it get you mad.
I’ve definitely experienced this. I gave up and just found new friends. Life is much better.
To reiterate what several others have said, it’s impossible for anyone to offer any useful advice as you’ve provided zero context or details to your situation.
I know exactly how you feel my own damn parents and family are doing that s*** to me but if it’s actually like people in public doing it then have your phone like hidden but when you know they’re doing it have it recording do whatever they say is recorded and can be held against them especially if you get several video evidences of it and even with you standing up for yourself in in the video recording and then get the part where they are making you out to be the enemy.
Because people benefit from you not having boundaries. They’re bad people, with bad intentions, and can’t stand being told no, so they’ll project and punish you in hopes you cave out of guilt. It’s manipulation
Assuming that the person really is a jerk:
I see it as the social aspect of human nature turned dysfunctional. It’s not at all uncommon for jerks to have people willing to back them up.
It’s always worth considering your own behavior, but *a few* people taking the other side proves absolutely nothing. If *everyone* takes the other side, either you’re in the wrong somehow or you need to find new people to be around. Maybe even both.
It’s always the person who reacts or responds to their “joke” the villian. You must be the type that doesn’t joke like that and doesn’t react until it’s out of line. So your reaction seems bigger than the other person who’s always up on someone’s business commenting on everything.
I get this comment all the time, “Oh you know that person is always like that, why can’t you just ignore it”?
You should get your social advice from people in real life…not from the internet in a group full of people with social issues.
You probably respond to a poke with scorched earth approach.
Do not overreact. Personal attacks are different than people poking fun at each other. Really, write down how people phrase “jokes” and how you phrase yours, and keep a note of how it was received. You will probably find the problem.
If someone is treating you in a way that makes you upset or uncomfortable, it does not make you a bad person to let that person know what they’re doing is bothering you. This is what you should be doing. Every healthy relationship should have boundaries. If someone is going to make you feel bad for asserting your boundaries, then this isn’t someone that you want to be associating with.
That’s alright. You can still enforce your boundaries! You HAVE to choose your boundaries, in fact, and enforce them. It doesn’t mean you’re a bad person AT ALL! it means you’re just standing up for yourself! hugzz
There really isn’t enough here for me to take sides or give advice. I want to know what you mean by standing up for yourself, because if you’re in a room with people, you take something too personally and just start screaming that would absolutely cause people to freak out and talk behind your back more, not because they’re mean but because they’re afraid. I’ve worked with people like this.
I feel like if this is happening with a lot of different groups of people, the issue may be with you and how you are perceiving the things they are saying to you. Maybe you’re one of those people who takes jokes too seriously or doesn’t understand banter.
Or maybe everyone around you is just rude, idk