Trigger warning: SA related kink (?) not sure what to put here
This has really confused me so I was looking for some guidance.
My boyfriend is the type to always be touching me sexually or “feeling me up” when we are just lying down together casually to chill out. When I’m not in the mood to have sex or do any sexual acts, I say no however he always keeps the touching going and holds me down as he’s much stronger than me. I’m not talking about penetration or anything but he does feel my breasts/crotch over my clothes and grabs at my ass. He will also pin me down and grind into me even when I tell him to stop as I’m maybe not feeling well/on my period. He knows at this point I don’t want to have sex but tells me he’s just “messing around” it’s annoying, but I deal with it as it usually passes after a few minutes each time.
He also does coerce me into sex a lot as I admittedly have quite a low sex drive and when he keeps trying sometimes I just give in to keep the peace as he tells me it makes him feel like shit that his girlfriend isn’t attracted to him and doesn’t like sex. I do like sex, however he wants it around twice a day when I am only interested when the occasion arises.
However, tonight we were having a conversation and he has revealed he is actually into cnc (consensual non-consent). This made me feel a bit weird about the touching and the coercing as it has made me wonder if he has actually liked it when I’ve not been in the mood and he’s continued anyway. Before I thought he was just super horny but now it feels a bit yucky.
We have been together for 3 years and other than this he is such a gentle and nice guy so I really don’t know what to think.
Am I interpreting this wrong? I’ve never come across this kink myself so I don’t know the ins and outs of it.
14 comments
I don’t mean to be a dick but that sounds like the beginning of serial killer type shit right there.
ngl i don’t have the guts to read that based off the title, but you should leave
The kink is not the problem and has nothing to do with his behavior.
The problem is that he is underhanded and aggressive about his own sexual desires while not respecting your sexual boundaries. And if this has been happening for years, you need to at very least talk to him about it. If he can’t change, you need to end the relationship.
There is nothing wrong with CNC.
>, I say no however he always keeps the touching going and holds me down
There is however, very much wrong with this.
>other than this he is such a…nice guy
No. He is not. He is an asshole who thinks what he wants is more important than what you want. You do not have bodily autonomy with him, and you’ll never be able to trust him.
This is unacceptable.
The issue is that he isn’t into CNC because you never gave consent in the first place. He enjoys your powerlessness. He enjoys the struggle.
He should’ve been upfront with you before any of this happened and you both should’ve talked about it. Not only did you not consent but he didn’t stop after you told him no. That is not ok. With any kink there is always consent. That is the whole point. Even with cnc. He’s hiding behind a kink to excuse his behavior. I’m so sorry this happened to you. It’s not ok.
I’m of the opinion that this particular kink is only a kink when you both consent to it, otherwise it’s just assault. Kinks like this need safe words. I’d break up with him immediately. He was doing because he knew you didn’t like it, not because of any kink, he purposely didn’t tell you about it. I like rough sex with my husband, but if I tell him to stop and he doesn’t listen, it’s not sex anymore, it’s assault. Just because you don’t always feel like someone is assaulting you doesn’t mean it’s assault, it can just feel a little wrong and then you look back and realize how wrong it actually was.
As some who is into CNC (receiving end) and recently brought it up to my boyfriend. The fact that the MAIN POINT of the whole kink is to GIVE CONSENT and you don’t verbally ever give it, makes this situation a HUGE red flag. He’s not into CNC, he just enjoys you being completely and utterly powerless to him. Someone who is into CNC will ALWAYS make sure your consenting before trying ANYTHING with you or vise versa. I’d honestly have a very stern conversation with him, call him out on his bullshit and then leave. You don’t deserve having your bodily rights taken away from you like that and I am so very very sorry that this is happening. If you ever need to reach out, my PMs are always open. Stay safe please. ❤️
Have you always had a low sex-drive? Could it be that you’re uncomfortable in the relationship, because of everything you said in your post, and you don’t feel safe enough to be physical with this guy?
This is why I hate this “cnc” shit. He’s not “into cnc,” he’s a predator. The hypernormalization of kink has allowed monsters to hide behind these cute little terms.
Let’s call a spade a spade. This man is a rapist. You need to formulate an escape plan with your loved ones and get out.
Maybe it’s your choice of wording, but one should never be “coerced” into sex. This is very different than having a low sex drive and being “seduced” into sex.
Ewe. Dating is about finding someone you are compatible with. It’s okay to walk away from this. Please do. I feel ick after reading this having been in a similar situation. You can do better. Best of luck!
Being into cnc is fine. However, all I see here is NC.
If he likes cnc he should’ve let you know, and then integrate it into your sex life if you were also on board.
You weren’t aware. There was no consent.
What he did is horrible.
I always thought I had a low sex drive when I was with my ex. He was just a dick and I didn’t want to have sex with him after a while. Turns out my drive isn’t low at all.
Yours may be low, or not. But he’s definitely turning you off with his behaviour.