Should you tell someone they are being cheated on when you know they won’t leave the relationship/marriage?

15 comments

1. I think the right thing to do is tell them that they’re being cheated on so that they can get STD tests, at a minimum. When someone cheats, there’s greater implications than the emotional or physical intimacy. You’re doing her a favor by letting her know that her health is at risk. There’s a high probability, though, that she already knows, but I feel the fact she can talk to you about it might make her feel better, too, rather than keeping the feelings to herself and pretending that things are great.

2. It’s a physical safety issue. Your mother (and father, as well) need to be checked for STIs on the regular, if he’s going to engage in this behaviour with multiple other partners.

   For me, that would be what pushed me into the ethical requirement to tell my own mother. So she has a chance at least, to be aware of and manage her own risk.

   It’s really tough, and I can imagine a whole bunch of valid reasons you might not want to do this, but that is where I’d fall. Even if they’d never leave, if I knew this, I’d feel obligated to discuss STI risks with my mother, just like I would with any other woman I cared for who I had reason to believe was at this sort of risk.

3. frankly, i think that knowing would be beneficial here because it would enable her to get the necessary STD testing, and, depending on where you live and what the laws are in the jurisdiction, prepare her for any legal consequences that could come with paying for sex. There are more things at stake here than just the emotional implications so its probably best to tell her.

4. Always tell… dont assume what the one being betrayed will want..

   If the woman in the relationship wont divorce its up to her to decide, not you..

   Shes a grown woman, dont patronize her and take away her right to know and choose for herself…

5. I do think that telling them is the right move…

   BUT… you might be running into a potentially VERY VERY awkward situation where your mom is totally OK with it and knows all about it. In that case, it could make your mother feel judged. I don’t think this kind of an arrangement is very uncommon for couples in their 50s that clearly have enough money for escorts. If your mother is not interested in sex and they have the money, it might be totally OK with both parties.

   I, personally, would send a private note and not let my mom know I am on the know.

6. I would want to know if I was cheated on, so I’ll always have the opinion that you should tell others.

   They might not leave after finding out about the cheating, but at least they know the problem exists and can either confront their partner, work around it, or even let it be the thing that starts their “maybe I should leave” though profess.

7. As the child, you’re in a terrible position. In your place, I’d probably try to find a way to clue her in – leaving whatever physical evidence I had for her to find – without either of them knowing it was me. I wouldn’t be able to tolerate the awkwardness otherwise.

8. Aw man. What a tough situation to be in. I’m so sorry you’re having to make a call like this.

   If you happen to know that they’re still intimate, the innocent party needs to know because the cheater can bring home an STD and some of those cause permanent damage if untreated. If you happen to know that they are no longer intimate, it’s more of a grey area.

9. Rather or not they’ll leave is up to them and it’s not for you to decide. Cultural norms or not, everyone handles a wayward spouse differently and in their own way. You may think their culture will prevent them from leaving, when in reality they maybe (and hopefully) have too much self respect to stay in that kind of marriage.

   My point is don’t decide for them. Helping to conceal a cheater is as bad as being the cheater. Tell them what you know so they can decide what to do and then stay out of it.

10. When my ex wife and I divorced, numerous people came forward telling me she had multiple affairs on me.

    I asked why they did not tell me sooner? They said they did not think I would leave her and it would damage my relationship with the person telling me.

    Whi knows what I would have done…but I sure would liked to have known.

    So yes…tell on the person.

11. I’d still tell so they can get std tested

12. I think it’s always the right decision to tell. The cheater deprives the person they are betraying of their informed agency. In addition to getting STIs, people make all sorts of life choices that they might do differently with the information that their partner is cheating.

13. I was in a very similar situation. The woman who got cheated on had no money, is extremely religious and her family wouldn’t take her back(!). She probably does Aly. But I thought it would be harder for her to live with it if she heard it from someone else, too. I hope I did the right thing.

14. My best friend told me about an affair she was having. Her husband was really good friends with me and my current partner. I got mad at her because 1, her husband is a wonderful man and loves her and the kids deeply, and 2, the man she cheated on him with made it clear he doesn’t give a shit about her or her kids and just wants to see her fail because she deserves to be taken down a few notches. I told her I didn’t appreciate her telling me because now if I keep this secret I am lying to her husband, who was a good friend and supportive of me when I went through an ugly divorce. I told her the night she told me (everyone was over for our weekly family night) that I would hold it in tonight, but after this I would not look my friend in the face and keep this life altering secret from him. She needed to tell him, or next time I saw him, I would. If I were in her husband’s shoes I would be mad that my friend kept something so big from me, I didn’t want to do that to him. My advice is do what you think you can live with. You’ll have to live with the fact that you did or didn’t do something. Make a choice that lets you sleep at night.

15. Yes, tell her. If for no other reason than she deserves to have as much control over her own life as she can and your dad doing this is taking away what small amount of autonomy she has. You keeping more things from her just continues to treat her like a child who has things kept from them “for their own good”, which isn’t your decision as her child to make.

    Also though, because otherwise this is going to eat away at you and strain your relationship anyway.

    You should try put up boundaries where possible so you’re not in the middle of it (e.g. “I know this is going on, I am sorry. I thought you should have the information but if you want to talk about the details could I help you to find someone who can talk through it with you?”). Bc you don’t want to become the confidant and having to take care of her through this while she refuses to leave. Also, she may already know, she may not, but it will probably be embarrassing for her either way that it came from you.

    Does she have supports she could access to deal with it?