Yesterday I got a notification that a purchase over $500 had been made on my joint Costco credit card. My wife never uses this card for anything other than gas and purchases at Costco. A bit more than a week ago she off handedly told me she was going to make a payment for prescription contacts. I didn’t think anything of it. Then in the middle of the workday I see this enormous charge. To be honest I totally forgot about the contact purchase she mentioned last week, but even if I did, I wouldn’t have guessed it would cost $500. I call her a couple of times; she doesn’t pick up. I figure if she isn’t available to take my call because she is working, she wouldn’t have been available to make the purchase. So, I texted her that I am disputing it and do just that.
When she finally sees my text, she freaks out. I immediately call the bank and get the situation rectified. Fixing the issue took 15 minutes. I call my wife back tell her its all been taken care of, and she starts lecturing me about I don’t understand what its like to deal with her health issues and how it took her four hours to order those contacts. I know she does a lot and deals with a lot of health issues, and it takes up a lot of her time and that I don’t understand. She has endo and (although no official diagnosis) probably also suffers from Hashimoto’s disease. She has a range of gut issues and dietary restrictions. I’m relatively healthy, though I have had two ACL surgeries in the past couple of years, so I’m not completely in the dark when it comes to dealing with insurance, and the difficulties navigating the US medical system.
Still, I don’t care for being lectured. We all make honest mistakes, next time I know to wait longer and to make sure to talk to my wife before canceling the card. I apologized.
Another example. Last weekend I did the dishes, and my wife started the laundry. She took both towels out the bathroom to wash them, but only replaced her towel. On Monday when I got out of the shower, I grabbed the towel my wife used. Not really noticing there was now only one towel instead of two. She is annoyed I used her towel. The next day she grabs a new towel. I can tell the towel is new because it is still folded instead of hanging up. This time I reuse the same towel I used Monday thinking. My wife must of grabbed a new towel for herself because she does not like damp towels. I don’t mind a slightly wet towel so I’ll continue to use the same towel we both used on Monday.
She blows up on me. Apparently, I was supposed to use the new towel. I tell her I am sorry; it was an honest mistake and I try and brainstorm solutions on how we can prevent this from occurring again (separate designated areas for both towels). She doesn’t want to talk about solutions. She wants to understand how I made the mistake. To me it’s obvious, my wife hates using slightly used towels. The new towel must be for her. I tell her such, but she doesn’t seem to believe me. I’m frustrated, she doesn’t want to work on a solution she just wants to be angry at me for using the wrong towel in an ambiguous situation.
Finally, I grab the small number of possessions that are mine from the bathroom and decide from now on I am going to use the guest bathroom. She doesn’t like this idea either. She says it feels like I am punishing her by using the other bathroom.
What? I feel like I’m going crazy.
I’ve told her in both situations and other similar situations. “I’m sorry, it was an honest mistake, I love you, let’s work on a solution.” And she still needs to repeatedly ask me “How could you have used my towel again, I got you a new towel?” or tell me “I told you last week I was purchasing contacts, how could you have disputed the purchase?” I try to answer her questions, but answering seems to make her angrier. Like I am giving her an excuse. So I just go back to: “I’m sorry, it was an honest mistake, I love you, let’s work on a solution.” Then it goes back to her asking me why I did it in a never-ending cycle. In case it is not clear, she is not asking how I could have made the mistake in a nice way. The only way for me to break the cycle is to break down and cry or leave.
Guys, what would you do? Is there a way for me to teach her how not to be so emotional and angry when minor inconveniences come up? Is there a way to teach her to be more solution oriented?
A couple other things, if we fight and I take a step back and go for a walk or something to cool my head. She accuses me of “punishing her,” by taking a step back. I try to tell her, it’s best for both of us to take space to calm down so we can talk rationally. I think she might have some abandonment trauma, and that’s why she reacts so negatively to taking a step back/going for a walk. But it is also not fair for me to be talked to the way she does when she’s angry. Am I abusing her by taking a step back from her abuse and going for a walk?
She also likes to state that she should be free to express her emotions and that she shouldn’t have to “bottle everything up”. But I also don’t think she should be able to use that as an excuse to berate me for regular everyday mistakes.
I think we probably need to try therapy. We did it once before, but my wife didn’t like the approach (Gottman method.) I never told my wife this, but I think the therapist agreeing we me that it was healthy to take some space to cool down during an argument made my wife distrust the therapist and that’s the real reason she didn’t thought we should stop. My wife works in ABA, so she can be very opinionated on therapists.
Someone help me. I work in an argumentative industry; I fight everyday with clients about project costs and schedule. I can’t come home and fight as well. I don’t have it in me.
Edit: A couple people are pointing out that jumping to the conclusion that the contact payment was fraud was extreme. Purchases notifications normally pop up as soon as the purchase was made not a week later. Also when I googled the statement description a website popped stating others had reported it as fraud. I simply did not remember, her telling me she was making the purchase a week ago and I would never have expected it to cost over $500. Also I figured it would be easy to undo. But if I’m wrong keep telling me, perhaps it’s what I need to hear.
Edit #2: a few people are shitting on my wife because she works in ABA. She is acutely aware of some of the less pleasant methods in ABA and she doesn’t use them. Her younger sister has autism and is non verbal. Her approach at work is definitely from a place of compassion and as I understand it most of her work is play oriented. She’s done great work developing peer programs and summer camps at work for these kids. In that regard she is a saint.
Edit #3: I’ll take your advise and start going to therapy. It sounds like I have some work to do.
30 comments
So she told you she was going to get contacts
A charge of 500 bucks shows up
You freak out when she doesn’t immediately respond and try to say it’s fraud
And you’re upset at her?
😂
Here is how you could have handled it
Wow, $500 at Costco. I’ll ask her about it when I’m home at dinner
Four hours later
Hey honey, did you go to Costco today?
Yes I went to get my contacts, remember we talked about it
Oh yeah, sorry I forgot, what would you like for dinner?
It seems like you are struggling because your wife is a human being with wants, needs and feelings.
Calling the bank to cancel the charge when she told you she’d be spending money and it’s a joint account was a massive over reaction. Do you frequently punish your wife for not immediately responding to your texts?
Yes she should be free to express her emotions. It’s interesting how you brush off your behavior as “every day mistakes”, but she’s a irrational harridan for having emotions.
Well we don’t know her side, perhaps you do this a lot and she feels you aren’t listening.
Either way, you should look into a few sessions with a marriage counselor so you guys can prioritize healthy ways of communicating because that seems to be what you’re upset about. It’s always good to have a referee there that can help each of you see what the other is trying to say. Can’t hurt right?
Instead of communicating you just keep apologising and I can see how that’s annoying for her. Instead ask her is this towel for me? It’s not hard to actually communicate and talk to your wife. She feels like you’re not listening
The contacts and Costco. You could have waited til the evening to ask her about it. She probably thinks you don’t listen to her. Hopefully you know now to be a bit more patient and less reactive and wait to communicate with her about such things.
I don’t know what to say about the towels. I see nothing wrong with you using a different bathroom. I dont see why she thinks that is a punishment. This is just a case of you two having different perspectives on the same situation.
If she says you are punishing her by walking away, try to understand why she feels that way. Can you try saying to her babe I feel like you are very are upset, can we talk about this in an hour after we both have a chance to reflect on it?
Can you change her? Probably not. But you can change your reactions to her.
She/you/both need therapy. Idc that she’s opinionated about therapy bc she does ABA, that is specifically for autism (lets gloss over the fact that many people with autism have stated it is an abusive therapy bc this post is not about that). That’s the biggest red flag, a therapist who won’t go to therapy. Imagine the gall…
Honestly, after hearing you try to justify disputing the charge because she didn’t respond, I’m taking your assessment of things with a huge grain of salt. That’s pretty ballsy to say she is the one who overreacts given that incident.
You should have waited until the evening to talk to her about it. You overreacted. You both need therapy
Your marriage seems like a dumpster fire no matter what side you’re looking at. Good luck.
She’s not 100% right, but she’s not 100% wrong either.
– I always…ALWAYS wait for my husband first before jumping to reporting it for fraud. This has happened in the past. I forgot about something. I freaked out looking at the charge, husband was still at work. I texted/called, nothing from him (to be fair sometimes our cellphone provider can suck and he didn’t get the text until later). I waited until he came home, just b4 he arrived, I got reminded that the amount was for this bill LOL. So I always wait to hear from my partner b4 jumping to fraud and cancelling cards.
-As for the towel, why can’t you just grab a new towel? Why do you just assume it’s for you, when there’s only 1 towel? Are you that against going to go to the pile of new laundry and grabbing a new towel? I’m really confused on that part. My husband never took me for granted despite me doing 95% of the housework. He knew I have to work and do a lot of household chores in addition, so if he’s unsure, he’ll ask me.
-The way your wife is acting/reacting, reminds me of my mother. She always gets very upset over the littlest thing (i.e, me accidentally knocking a sippy cup–I was a kid lol–that caused her to blow her roof, dad forgetting to pick up a specific item in the shopping list or didn’t get the correct brand, that’ll earn him 3- hour long- at least- of tongue lashing). She’s not changed until now LOL. There’s a reason why she’s on blood pressure med too. Then again, my father has learned to just let her vent then she’s done. He works very hard (even until now, when he’s supposed to be retired), and came home very late daily when I was a kid, but yeah, he always managed to chill despite my mom’s crazy rant/vent (at him, at us, etc).
-If she doesn’t trust your therapist, maybe you guys need a NEW therapist, one that BOTH of you like/prefer. The one whom she likes, may be able to convince her on how to change her way of venting/expressing her anger. She needs to chill out a bit, not all small things deserve a blowout, but OP also needs to listen better to his wife too instead of diminishing her and thinking that she’s always exaggerates (the first example is actually of OP exaggerating the situation).
When it comes to taking a walk to cool off, I can see both sides. I have an anxious attachment style. So, if someone leaves mid argument, it basically sends me into a panic. I learned in therapy, that if someone needs to step away, they have to give me a timeline. So, they would need to say something like, “I don’t feel like this is productive right now. I need a break. I’m going for a walk, but I’ll be back in an hour. I love you. Let’s try to talk about this when I get back.” Just leaving without know when they’ll come back makes me worry the entire time that something could happen and I wouldn’t know. I also worry that leaving the conversation is a way to sweep the issue under the rug- which is not productive. I can deal when the person tells me when they’ll be back and when we can address the issue- reassuring me they still love me also helps. Good luck
Contacts are dummy expensive. Like, 6 pairs meant to last 12 weeks under perfect conditions are over 200 bucks for me.
You’re assuming a lot. And you know what they say happens when you assume. Do you ever actually talk to each other? Like hey honey, I used your towel yesterday, is this new one yours? Honey, what’s with $500 at Costco? Hey honey, I have anger issues and I’m much nicer when I’ve had a minute to cool down. You assume she has abandonment issues. And I mean talk outside of the issue, like when you’re sitting and having dinner and everyone is calm, that’s a great time to discuss things, like your need for space during an argument.
Y’all need more towels.
I’m sorry, but your side of this sounds a bit suspect to me. Disputing the contacts charge was absolutely ridiculous. Not only because she told you about it already, but because you couldn’t wait until she got home to actually ask her about it?
And gathering your stuff out of the bathroom was a dick move too. As is walking out in the middle of an argument.
It sounds to me like you both have issues.
Something I heard about giving opinions on anecdotal stories with couples:
We can’t assess a mosquito from the bite. More than anything, we can’t continue to treat the bites when really, we need to get rid of the mosquito.
You and your wife need to get rid of the mosquito in your relationship instead of fighting like cats and dogs over every bite. It sounds like she is mad because she thinks you’re inconsiderate and not realizing everything she does for you. Okay, well, talk about that.
You are mad because she is blowing up at you. Well, talk about that. These are both bites from the bigger mosquito. Every story you told is a “bite,” only you guys can talk about the real issues behind them.
Honestly it seems like you need to do some self reflection, cause I can see a pattern here. She feels unheard and you keep repeating the same meaningless apology, deflecting blame and not offering actual change or genuine attention to the problems.
The both of you communicate horribly.
You are jumping to extremes. You are asking us how to ‘teach her’ to better herself. That’s toxic, patronizing, deflecting blame and (yes I will go there) misogynistic.
Dude she told you she was purchasing contacts, and because she couldn’t immediately text you back you dispute the charges?
I agree with your wife, if this is how you handle issues you’re going to drive her insane. I can’t trust anything you say after that story.
I’d really like to hear your wife’s side of the story. But basically both of you need to learn how to communicate. You canceling the card after calling her a ton seemed like an overreaction
Honestly this is written from your perspective and you still sound like a jackass. Disputing the charge because she didn’t immediately respond to you is unhinged. She told you she was going to get her prescription from CostCo. How do you not know how much they cost, ballpark? Has she never got contacts before?
As for the towel situation, you were in the wrong again but still threw your hands in the air in a tantrum and took all of your things out of the bathroom in an immature overcorrection that spouses do to be manipulative. You were trying to make her feel bad for giving a shit.
The only thing you’re correct about is wanting space to decompress during an argument, you’re entitled to that 100%. But seriously dude, get your shit together and stop overreacting to minor issues. Let your wife express how she feels as long as she’s not degrading you or calling you names.
Absent confirmation from your wife about the CC charge you overreacted and it could give her the impression you’re monitoring her spending. If she’s walking around on eggshells around you that’s not great for her. Assuming your account of things is accurate you both need to slow down and communicate.
As someone who *could have* had her behavior described as seeming a *lot* like how you describe your wife’s behavior – let me tell you where this comes from.
People form their opinions, beliefs, and thoughts based on what they see, experience, and deal with. All of these events go into our heads and get processed and no two people are going to process an event 100% the same.
Your wife is seeing your behavior as one or more of the following:
**sabotaging* her efforts (calling her contact purchase “fraud”)
**controlling* her behavior (reporting the contact purchase as “fraud” and potentially causing consequences for her because she didn’t reply to you within moments)
**ignoring* her needs (taking her towel instead of getting your own)
**neglecting* to plan ahead (not grabbing your own towel)
**punishing* her (by removing your items from the bathroom and diving things into “her” and “you” instead of “we”, as well as likely causing there to be 2 bathrooms for her to clean)
**dismissing* her feelings (you keep referring to her feelings as being over blown, overly sensitive, crazy, uncalled for, etc)
**mischaracterizing* her actions and feelings (by referring to your actions as normal every day mistakes and her actions/emotions as melt downs)
*this list likely goes on
To your wife, this is painting a picture of feeling trapped, uncared for, dismissed, unappreciated, etc. To you these seem like small things, because to YOU they are small things. But to her, these are causing disruptive feelings. These things are large *for her* and that is reason enough for you to take her seriously, not dismiss how she feels, and to put effort into understanding what is happening from her side of things.
If you want a REAL solution, then you need to work with her regarding what she is seeing/experiencing, you need to LISTEN to her when she describes how those actions make her feel, let her EXPRESS her fears and concerns and tell you the inner monologue she likely has been brooding on, and then let her openly (and without judgement) state what solutions would be most helpful for her. Then follow that up by thanking her for sharing, letting her know which solutions you feel confident you can implement, negotiating politely on any solutions that require compromise, and then REASSURE her that you are HAPPY to work together on these things because you CARE about how she is feeling. And then leave it at that.
1. what did she see or experience
2. how did she process that? what inner story has she built
3. how does she feel about that? what fears might she be feeling?
4. what solutions would help the situation
Science backs this approach. If you need more resources feel free to reach out through DM. Best of luck!
Just to play devil’s advocate, was that just a one off time the towel thing happened? Maybe that’s not the first time something like that happened and you aren’t paying attention or remembering how she likes to do do the towels? Just because it’s hard for me to imagine the whole time you’ve been married that hasn’t come up. And everyone has something like that they’re particular about, and I’m sure you have something like that too, so I could see how that would be annoying if you can’t keep that in mind. Or is she always the one who changes the towels? Maybe that’s part of it?
I think other people have already said what I would say about the credit card charge also.
To me, you seem very inconsiderate. Your wife didn’t respond to you immediately, so you canceled her contact order. Also, I noticed you typed MY joint cc, not ours. Who does that. As far as the towel incident goes, I also have my own towel. It is a Norwex towel, and my husband does not touch it. Your solution is to dirty two bathrooms. Do you clean the other bathroom? Don’t wanna get lectured? Stop doing stupid shit.
Why don’t you take care of the laundry and putting out clean towels?
Honestly I couldn’t finish because you sound exhausting OP. So many excuses and justifications. You’re being a pain in the ass and she is reacting. What do you want from Reddit? Validation? YTAH.
Its actually crazy that you can see that she overreacts but can’t see that you do the same thing. Take a look in the mirror bud.
OP you sounds like my exhusband got remarried again. Likely you are like him who does not respect your wife. Using other people’s stuff is annoying or even infuriating. My ex kept taking my things as his own. Everything I took out a mug to drink, that after a few minutes it would definitely 100% end up in his hands. I was just annoyed a bit until one day I saw him wearing the socks I knitted for myself, a pair of socks that have LACE PATTERN on them. I suddenly exploded because I have made many things for him but he had to take the only thing that I made for myself, plus all the other disrespectful things he treated me, I felt that he was just taking everything from me. And also he got angry at money spending like you. He checked his credit card which he gave a second card to both me (I couldn’t work because I just moved to his country) and his sister, then he found a $20 bill and interrogated where I spent this $20. Then I took a look at the bill it happened at a bar in his sister’s town…Them suddenly he became apologetic (but never said sorry for once) saying he was just anxious about money and so on. You can’t do that to your spouse just because you feel anxious about money. And if you want to walk away during fights, you can totally tell her you need some time alone but you still love her, you will talk with her. Instead of learning better communicating skills, you decide just to blame her for everything. This relationship won’t work.
So you almost cancelled a medical purchase your wife told you about in advance, instead of figuring out who the vendor was, and when your wife got upset you called this “freaking out”? And your wife did the laundry and put up her towel and was *probably waiting for you to hang up your towel instead of making her do everything* but nope, you just use her towel instead of getting yours and she gets irked and you can’t fathom why?
I guarantee you that for every one of these small things she’s flipping out over she has not complained about two dozen others. You likely don’t see all of the labor she does to keep the house running, and she does it despite feeling really sick, not having a husband who will see domestic tasks that need doing and actually do them, and not necessarily having the care she needs if she’s not officially diagnosed. (And no, having had a surgery that was over and then fixed the problem does not give you insight into how it is to have a chronic and debilitating medical condition.)
Y’all need to learn to communicate. I see both your wife’s point of view and yours. Your wife isn’t upset about the towels but about what the towel represents. You are having too totally different arguments here and should attend couples counseling to learn how to communicate