i(18F) feel like a bad person for breaking up with my bf(18M) bc the relationship was toxic + he keeps texting me

our relationship was 100% toxic but he claims it’s the healthiest one he’s been in and that i’m the love of his life. we were together for 4 months but the relationship was so intense even when we were together for like 3 weeks. Arguments that last 2 days (one day arguing the other of him/us trying to fix it bc i have wanted to break up with him 4 times before but it feels like he guilt trips me sometimes / apologizes for stuff). and tries to fix it when i say i’m breaking up with him or after he is cruel + apologizes. this is an LDR luckily.

I have posts on my history abt some arguments/situations but i’ll summarize them instead so u an get idea if u don’t want to read them:

1. he got upset bc i was taking an art class that i needed to draw nude models for and flipped out on me saying i insinuated wanting to draw nude men when i never broke up men OR insinuated anything. i was just telling him about the class and he was saying things like “good bc the way i hovered over the block button” “okay bc that shouldn’t even be a debate” etc. then it lasted for two days.

2. he lashed out on me from 12pm-8am out of literal nowhere after having a fun normal 4hr conversation, saying this is the worst he’s ever felt and bringing up arguements we settled, apologized for communicated about and both cleared up. and he called me “fucking disgusting” and gross for a good amount of it and said he would have never got with me etc. he brought up a situation and i told him something he said during it made me uncomfortable (comparing cleavage to a dick pic then saying if u do shit like that u should expect anything coming) but he said “ur just lying i try my best not to be that kind of person”, brought up i time during our talking stage where i didn’t compliment a photo he sent and i “reacted” grossly (when he again said that this wasn’t my fault before bc he relies to much on gratification from others + i NEVER said anything bad and i looked at messages and i did compliment him) then told me to “fucking apologize right now” when i was saying sorry the whole time. a

3. there was a time i posted a photo during our first 3 weeks of saying and he did not like when we were dating for a month. the photo had some cleavage in it and he didn’t like the photo. i initially didn’t think this mattered whatsoever because he has said he liked my photos on my page before and they all look similar and it was never an issue with him. but i was willingly to take it down since it made him uncomfortable and “violated” but he kept comparing cleavage to a dick pic print with his pants pulled all the way down and saying i was trying to invite creeps to my instagram. i explained to him i just thought the photo was cute and just wanted to share it and don’t care about guys attention never have and said i’d archive it if that’s okay. long story short, we call and he then compares it to, in his words,” showing ur tits out to a random dude at the beach and expecting something not to happen” then says “if u do shit like that u should expect everything coming” this was said in a general since not about me but still weirded me out.

last argument last week, i was saying i was breaking up with him bc i am just tired of the constant fighting and he kept asking for another chance and we talked about how he talks to me and he said he takes complete blame for it, etc etc, and wanted to prove he wouldn’t talk to me poorly (he will basically call one or say something i said was stupid, dumb or call me an asshole, etc he once told me to stfu and i told him how he talks to me is awful and he said i deserved it this time. lord of messages down the line he again apologized in long paragraphs for this and we get otp and he was crying saying he understands completely that what he did was wrong and wants to make a difference. he said “he doesn’t think this is something to break up over and that it doesn’t mean he wants me to leave him” and was crying and to consider giving him another chance.

i broke up with him yesterday and i didn’t do it the way you normally should do it but i’d rather get out of a toxic relationship somehow bc a break up text does nothing when breaking up with him bc he will keep texting and texting on another account. before i was thinking about blocking him on absolutely everything so he wouldn’t text me and try to change my mind even if i say i don’t think i can do this anymore constantly, i sat there thinking about the whole entire relationship and felt that this is way too intense for 4 months and it was already intense the first month and below. there shouldn’t be this much fixing and arguments and repairing damage and i was so wrong and delusional to not go through with it it the first time when i said it was over the first month. i was reading old messages and got extremely upset and frustrated bc i was always trying to choose my words carefully to not make him upset and i wasn’t mean but he was just being extremely disrespectful.

i decided to block him, on everything, so he wouldn’t be able to contact me again. but i completely forgot about his one private twitter account and he texted on there and i checked his pfp and he made tweets like “maybe..i was never the problem”. then dms me saying i have issues and that i’m a damn petty immature child and can’t handle shit like a fucking adult + he hopes this shit bothers me. i told him why i did it and i basically said i felt like the relationship was too fucking intense and i am putting my mental/physically health first bc i shouldn’t be making myself deal with weight problems because of stress i can’t handle. and i told him the way he talks to me is awful and it makes me extremely angry and i am just done etc etc. i said he is manipulative and he was then apologizing again saying he meant it when he said he would change and not do it again, and has apologized for being mean and then at one point said “it’s bc i love you” and that he needs me in his life + he hates that he’s hurt me so much. but when i thought about this earlier, i’ve noticed he’s 100% said all this before and it just happens again. these apologies seems more genuine this time but i’ve been frustrated with this relationship lately and i’m not going to do the wrong thing again by doing this on and off thing. now he’s talking about doing a break (i’ve mentioned this before once and he is so shri f on NOT doing breaks, but he says he trusts me not to do that). i’m not going to bc i literally told him i was done but every time i do that he tries to change my mind

TL;DR: i blocked my bf bc it was too toxic for 4 months and it has taken a turn on my physical health and i just want out even if he says we won’t argue again and he hates how he has hurt me. i feel bad for the way i handled it by blocking him everywhere bc i didn’t want to deal with it but it’s the only way to get him to stop texting trying to get back together but i forgot to block the one account he does uses and he keeps texting me trying to fix it after i told him i’m done this time even after i tried again bc he wanted me to but he is now asking for a break instead. i just feel bad bc i just want it to be over ans i feel really bad to block if he’s saying he will work on himself but i’m just paranoid of everything.