My gf (F26) asked me (M26) for a key to my place when she came over last night. Her reasoning is that I don’t have to open the door for her when she comes over. She just wants to be able to come in. We are about 5 months into our relationship and are both dating with the intent of marriage. I own a house and she has an apartment. I found this statement rather strange and feel like it is too early for this to be brought up. I feel like she is pushing to see how much I’m willing to give up if that makes sense. I don’t feel comfortable with giving her a key especially if we end up breaking up then I would have to change my locks. I feel like it’s a potential risk to my security. How do I inform her in a nice way about this.
Does anyone have experience with these things?
27 comments
Her logic is not rational. If you’re home, she wouldn’t need a key anyway. So…why does she need one?
That would be kind of a yellow flag for me. It’s too soon and it’s awfully forward of her.
I’d be worried she plans to let herself in when you’re not home.
“We are about 5 months into our relationship and are both dating with the intent of marriage. I own a house and she has an apartment. I found this statement rather strange and feel like it is too early for this to be brought up.
How is it too early if you’re already talking about getting married? Sounds like you’re not sure at all about that. Are you giving her mixed signals?
“I’m not quite ready for that step yet. I’ll let you know when I am.”
I’d tell her I’m not ready to exchange home keys just yet.
I wouldn’t find that weird at that point
5 months? Nope, no key.
Just tell her you’re not ready !
My husband got a key when he paid half the mortgage.
You tell her no. You give her a key only if and when you want to. Not when she wants one.
Yeah, I’d advise NOT doing that. You’ve only been together for 5 months, and that’s not long enough to actually know someone.
It’s a little weird to ask for a key. Typically, they are offered. Unless she is planning on coming over when you aren’t home, there isn’t a need for her to have one yet.
Just tell her that you don’t think you’re ready for that step in the relationship. If she reacts poorly, then you’ll definitely know you made the right choice.
5 months would be too early for me, too. And why would she have a need to walk into your house unannounced? That’s kind of creepy/controlling.
Nobody gets a key unless they live there and help pay the bills
“Hey, thanks for letting me know where you’re standing but I’m not ready for that step yet. I’ll let you know when I am.”
See what she says and go with your gut. Maybe she’s crazy or maybe she’s just at that next level and ready for more. Her reaction will tell you.
I don’t know how often she is staying over. But I don’t understand how you discuss marriage with someone but can’t talk to them about a house key.
she wants to move herself in basically
That’s probably about the point I gave my bf (now husband of 21 years) a key. That said, it’s only something you should do once you’re comfortable. I feel it’s something that should be offered, not asked for. Though if you think someone is a “potential risk to your security” after 5 months that’s a bit of a red flag, though I’m not sure a red flag for which person.
Nope, nope, and….nope.
For me the question to ask yourself would be: Are you comfortable with her being in your house while you’re not there. If the answer is yes, I don’t see a reason to not give her a key. If the answer is no, then I would only give her a key if there are some reasons why it might be helpful. Could be that she sometimes needs to go out at night and then don’t want to wake you up when she comes back in or that you sleep a lot longer and she maybe wants to walk the dog in the morning/ buy breakfast or anything else while you’re still in bed
Buy a keypad lock. You can always change the combination if needed. While you are at it, get a ring doorbell camera so you know if she goes there when you are not home.
You shouldn’t talk about marriage until u r very sure about her moving in and comfortable living with her .. now u have to tell her to slow down which is not a conversation you both are ready for !
OP? That’s rather presumptuous, don’t you think? Good lord!! Tell her, “I don’t think our relationship is at that level yet. Let’s take things slow ok?” Goodness! 😳
This is a great opportunity for you to learn more about her.
Just tell her how you feel: “I’m not comfortable yet to give you a key to my house, but I will let you know when I’m ready and gladly give you a key then.”
If she’s a keeper she might be a bit disappointed, but will nevertheless be okay with your stand.
If she’s not a keeper, she’ll get mad, throw a tantrum, make it about herself.
If you’re not comfortable then no, but perhaps it’s more than just a key? Maybe she’s just wanting some sort of security about the relationship- like a “sign” of commitment? You can always ask what difference would a key make in our relationship?Just food for thought but do what’s in your best interest 👍
The only thing you have to say is no.
But why? Because I said so
As an assertive, successful 36 yo guy. This stmt gives me major pause:
“I feel like she’s pushing to see how much she can get away with”
If I felt felt this way about a woman after 5 months, it would be over. Period-point blank.
If i trusted her, and this would be abt the chronological mark that I’d be able to tell, I wouldn’t have a problem with it.
It sounds like you don’t fully trust her. In which case, if I were you, I’d say: “I feel like it’s a little too soon”.
You have to be true to yourself, while also navigating which part of your emotions are trauma/immaturity
“I don’t give keys”
That’s what I told my wife
How is it over all? I offered a key to my boyfriend early on because he should feel at home at all times. He gave me a key on the first day when he moved in his own flat in a different city where he studied and that was all in the first year of our relationship. We trust each other so there is no problem in exchanging keys