I need advice
TL:Dr. gf states she is not in love with me, but says she loves me a lot and wants to continue dating and work on things but she isn’t head over heels for me right now. Is this salvageable?
She stated that she isn’t in love with me, which was hugely shocking. We have been together three years, we live together in the house I own, have plenty of sex, have fun, go on dates, have great job, travel together, spend plenty of time with each others family’s, and talk about future plans together. The relationship seems great. She stated that she isn’t in love with me but loves me immensely. Her reasoning is that we have been fighting a bit lately and she is unsure if our morals and values align. But said if things get better she could be in love with me, which sounds weird to me. she treats me like the way you would expect someone who is in love with you would treat you. Is this salvageable or worth continuing. I feel dumb cuz I didn’t even think it was a question if she was in love with me or not. Feeling pretty bummed about it and kind of shitty about my self. I don’t understand why someone who’s not in love with this person take loans out together for decently large purchases, move in together, talk about future plans, and basically do most things together.
Maybe I am naive.
5 comments
Nah I jest… I find it weird also.
Sounds like she doesn’t know what being in love is
Love and in love means different things.
You love your parents or a sibling or a close friend.
In love with a partner means the light up your life. You are excited to be with them. You feel you can not breath without them.
So your gf loves you as a friend. But that extra something is not there for her.
It’s sad, but a LOT of people stay in relationships with someone they are not “in love” with. The worry is that someday they may find someone that does give them that “can’t live without” feeling and they leave.
This is a common scenario throughout these heartbreak subs. *Not saying it applies to your situation*. . .but being told that can be a euphemism or “code word” to signal that she’s interested in someone else but keeping you around for the support and attention and backup. See also: we’re roommates.
I think there are many reasons for why your girlfriend feels as she says she feels. The first is that it is very normal to go through periods where you don’t feel in love with your partner but choose to be in love with him. Feelings are fickle and when things get rocky feelings are flighty. There’s a reason for this-the area of our brain that interprets feelings is the same area where our flight, fight or freeze instincts cone. These are supposed to be fleeting as it is only necessary to use them for short periods. The thing that is important for you is to comprehend what your girlfriend has told you isn’t a threat to you. You are feeling threatened and therefore you have triggered your own trauma reactions. This isn’t a threat to you or your relationship.
Your girlfriend has given you valuable information that needs you to lean into and work with her on. What are these moral differences? What is her values that differ from hers?
The thing is that the kind of love that she is acknowledging is a much deeper-more meaningful love than the bubbly love that she had. Love is a choice that often we have to make over and over again. To help with this we share experiences and we bond. This “hiccup” if you will is a very good opportunity to bond with a greater commitment to your relationship. It will take vulnerability on your part but don’t let that frightened you, you already have her validation that she chooses to love you, it can only get better. Talk to her about these things and when you feel threatened tell her. She is the only one that can make you feel safe. This is the vulnerability part that I mentioned.
Sounds like she just doesn’t want to go through with everything that comes with a break up. I wouldn’t want to stay w someone who fell out of love hoping they start to feel the same again.