I just moved back to UK into a new accommodation for college, and my social anxiety is kicking in.

I’m not perfect, far from it. But I’m improving. That begs the question, what do I become? I moved in to my new flat today, I have 4 other people living here, well, 3 for now. When the receptionist showed me my new room, it made me remember the time my last flatmate was having a tour of the flat for the first time. He was so extroverted, funny, entertaining and clever. He even became a close friend of the reception guy in just one meeting.

I wanna be like that, but I also wanna be like 5 other people I know, one of which is a quiet guy. He only talks when necessary, he knows exactly what he’s doing and why. His life is all messed up, but he pulls without even trying. He’s the kinda guy who plays mind games. These are two conflicting personalities, but I can learn them both and switch when I feel like it.

But it gonna take time – years or even decades. So then how do I deal with this social anxiety I have right now, arising from the fact that I know I am not him.

Next up on the list of the causes of my social anxiety – my flatmates. I don’t wanna show them my face right now because I wanna clean up my beard, hair and body, because first impression is the last impression.

Every single word I say is gonna matter, every single decision, every single body gesture, all of it is going to count. And it is going to decide what kind of relationship I have with them, how close I get with them, how much time we will be spending together in the future, and such. This us too much pressure, and if I don’t think about it, then I will just fuck it up like I did last time. I will leave the impression of a clueless idiot who doesn’t understand how the world works.

Here’s a sneak peek of what’s going on in my brain right now – “Do I act all tough and mighty, like I’m the most composed and mature person? I wanna meet them because I have messed up most of my friendships, but then I don’t wanna make it look like I am too excited to meet them because then I’ll come off as needy, desperate and lonely; but I also wanna read them a bit and keep my guard up until I fully know who they are, they might take advantage of me if I reveal my agreeable side too quickly. Do I act extroverted and energetic so we build a strong connection? But again, that’s too much work. I’d rather stay introverted but I might end up not even breaking the ice with them. What do I do? I think it’s best to stay in my room, hide from them and procrastinate it as best as I can and maybe my future self somehow knows how to solve this problem. Or maybe it’ll get to a point where I either don’t care or it’s too late to do anything about it.”