My ex best friend L(21 m) and I (20 f) have met each other at the beginning of middle school in 2013. At first we were only classmates but in the next several years we got along very well and slowly built up a stable friendship due to a school trip, where we began chatting. After texting during the whole summer break, we ended up being in the same circle of friends in that school year, so that we saw each other often in our free time after school, for example at the local swimming pool, at parties, in the city etc. During that time many of our friends experienced their first love in this group, and everybody was kinda acting crazy, I mean we were teens. So, I was also into someone in this group. Eventually L developed feelings for me, and before he had the chance to tell me this as the first person, I read it in a chat from another friend and him by mistake. Afterwards I was so confused, when he told me about his feelings, I did not know how to react appropriately. After a short period of time in which we talked less, the connection and the chatting between us got as before. For the next years to come I got together with the boy I mentioned before, and he got a girlfriend as well. Apart from that we did not stop texting, so our friendship remained.
Then we went on a school trip to France together. We spent most of the time together in a small group of people, in the evenings we stayed up late in our hotel dorms, and because of that his girlfriend got jealous. Hence, he told me to lose contact for two weeks. Nevertheless, we stayed in contact on another social media platform without the awareness of his girlfriend. Unfortunately, she found out about that and made him to break off relations with me. Besides that, she insulted me publicly and sent me messages plus female nudes from fake accounts with claiming these belong to me. Luckily, after some time it stopped. But I still had to see him at meetings with our friends.
Around two years later (2018) they broke up and we got the chance to talk to each other at a friend’s birthday party. This resulted in establishing a friendship again. We continued seeing each other regularly at occasions in our circle. We texted everyday on different social media platforms, now and then we met up, he got my closest friend and we told each other everything about our lives. But sometimes we chatted in a flirty way, he even sent me upper body pictures from time to time, even though he got a girlfriend in the meantime. Fast forward to 2021: One evening we went partying together and he ended up sleeping at my place with another friend of mine since they locked themselves out. All of us were sleeping in my queen size bed. We ended up holding hands the whole night and hardly slept. Afterwards I felt miserable and offered talking about it (also with his girlfriend). At first, we were still in contact, but then he started ignoring me until he offered to talk about it via phone. Eventually, he wanted to break of relations with me, so we stopped texting. My best friend thinks he has feelings for me and that I kind of have feelings for him, too.
I wanted to hear some other opinions about the topic as a last closure to just understand the situation I got in better and hopefully never end up in one of those again. I messed up big time by holding hands with a person who was and is in a relationship and I hated myself for a long time, so please even though I would probably deserve it refrain from hating me for that. And yes holding hands is not that dramatic, but consider him sending the pictures, compliments, flirty text, constant texting over several social media platforms etc.
TLDR: Best friend for 6 years and I ended up holding hands even though he is in a relationship.
4 comments
Holding hands is super serious.
You guys jumped 3 bases and went straight to home.
Did you use protection?
It sounds like he has conflicting feelings and likes you, but that doesn’t matter at all because he was in a relationship and cheated on his girlfriend. Unless he decides to become single, your feelings for each other don’t matter. And it doesn’t bode well for the future that his response to these complicated feelings was to lie to his girlfriend multiple times about you and be inappropriate. If he can do it with you, he can do it to you. That said you were also entirely complicit in this as well.
Sometimes romance and love surpasses relationships, and while I don’t like the idea that infidelity occurs due to better connections, sometimes that is true. If you’ve liked each other the entirety of your teenage and now young adult years, it sounds like you may have the type of connection to last the ages. But it cannot be nourished while either of you are in a relationship. The ball is in his court, and it sounds like he chose to go back to his girlfriend rather than to try things with you. I’d say move on, try dating and living independently, but I would be surprised if when he becomes single you all don’t reconnect and try something out.
But never cheat with him again, being the other woman isn’t a good look and cheating is reprehensible. I feel bad for his girlfriend.
He has feelings for you. He probably always has. However, he has chosen his current girlfriend this time. He knows he was pushing acceptable boundaries and he has decided to not to do that anymore.
Yeah. It isn’t about the hands. If anything, he just has always and still likes you, but he is a faithful dude so he chose to remove you from the equation.
Friends can hold hands. It is platonic in many, many cultures. A way to offer comfort or show affection, as a friend. It isn’t about the hands. Its about the feelings and potentially your first real reciprocation of them in 5-6 years from when he first said he liked you.