How can I reestablish connection with a partner after applying an avoidant strategy with them? I’m a 30-year-old gay man and I suffer from an adult disorganized attachment pattern, likely caused by the absence of my father and the physical, sexual, and psychological abuse I endured from my mother. I’ve been in therapy for years and have made significant improvements. I’ve been seeing another guy who’s also 30 for about 4 months now. Things have been going well, but yesterday, a triggering situation made me employ an avoidant strategy with him. I sent a message asking if he wanted to do something that night. He didn’t respond. He only replied seven hours later with a few words, indicating where he was. I didn’t respond to him. A few hours later, he sent another message apologizing for the delay in responding, explaining that he had a busy night, met a friend, and attended an event, so he couldn’t check his phone. (In reality, I saw him online a few times after sending the message). I didn’t want to respond too quickly because I’m afraid of coming across as suffocating, so I replied with a few words, didn’t answer his call, and said I was going to sleep. I wasn’t rude to him, but I also didn’t feel comfortable being too affectionate. Now, I’m not sure how to approach him. On one hand, I want him to know he can take time to respond to messages because I don’t want to suffocate him. On the other hand, I feel strange about him being online and not explaining to me beforehand that he wasn’t available that night. Last night, he messaged me, suggesting we meet and spend the night together tonight, but I didn’t respond. I’m not sure if I should send the first message today, address the issue, explain what happened, or just wait for him to initiate contact.
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TL;DR: employed a avoidant strategy with a new partner, now unsure how to proceed