I’ve been on several dates with a guy I like (36m, I’m 31f) and he has said a few times that he just wants to date with no expectations, he’s not against having a relationship but just wants to “date and see what happens”. I have seen this same statement on a lot of men’s Hinge profiles and heard men say it on dates before too. (These are not people only looking for casual sex, they do definitely want actual dates based on my experience of them suggesting more romantic dates than I was looking for even.)
To me, that is just normal dating and a redundant statement to make — I wouldn’t expect to be in a commitment with someone until we had been on a lot of dates many months in, and all of that only if everything is going really well and you really like each other, it also could turn into just casual sex or something else depending how you both feel. And getting “serious” would be after like a year+ of dating IMO and again only depending how you feel. So I don’t get why some men make a specific point of saying they want to date “without expectations” because that seems obvious. But I also don’t want kids or to get married so maybe there is some more serious approach that other people take to dating that I am missing the context of, because I’m not dating with any specific goal other than finding someone I like. Can other people fill me in? I feel stupid but what are these “expectations” everyone is worried about? Is this men trying to imply that they don’t want to get married or something?
(Also this is focused on the men-women example in this case because that’s what I’ve experienced this with but open to answers from any gender combo. I’m bisexual but have never had a woman say this.)
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Edit: Wow, thanks for all the advice, I’m finding this insightful to read. I posted below to clear up my current example, with the guy I had some dates with my suggestions for dates have been just meeting for drinks, and I wanted to have sex after a few dates to see our sexual chemistry. He on the other hand was not really in a hurry for sex and the dates he suggests are like going to museums, and he holds my hand and stuff like that (which I find a bit overly romantic for the first few dates, just for my personal preference). I’ve had similar experiences with other guys who made a point to say “no expectations”. I assumed that meant they wanted casual sex and no commitment but it does not seem that way based on their behavior, which feels like a mismatch of what they’re saying and doing.
35 comments
I think perhaps the words “expectations” and “intentions” are getting jumbled or something.
I think that one’s intentions can be like, dating for a relationship, dating for love, dating to start a family (or not any of those things) is a pretty reasonable method of approach. But that’s not to say you expect to fall in love with whoever you date next, but rather it’s your intent to find love and if/when it’s not trending that way, it ends.
Some people might not intend anything more than wanting a friendly, safe, warm body to be with for the next 6 months while they obtain their master’s degree then move back to their home country 3,000 miles away.
Expectations and intentions, to me, shouldn’t be interchangeable here and be very deliberately used.
Non-committal and wasting your time if you want a LTR.
I feel like, gender aside, no expectations up front is a way for some people to deal with the anxiety of not knowing whether this will work out. There are quite a few people who approach dating as a means to an end, and that’s okay. If someone knows they want marriage and kids, they don’t mess around with wasting their time with someone who may not want those things. I generally find there are two camps of “no expectation people”. First camp is avoidant/commitment phobic. These types are deathly afraid of feeling trapped for various reasons. They don’t want to be alone, but they also can’t stand having their perceived freedom dampened. Second camp is afraid of things not working out, and may be tired of getting their hopes up, to just have someone flat out end things; a tad burnt out, if you will. Instead of focusing on the “no expectation people” try knowing yourself in this situation. Are you also a no expectation person? Or are you more comfortable dating with the end result in mind?
I think there’s generally 2 types of meanings to this.
The 1st is the men who basically want all the benefits of a relationship, without having to commit. They want to continue to date/have sex with other women without any pressure to choose one, they enjoy variety/novelty and don’t want the boring parts of a LTR.
They might consider committing if their perfect 11/10 dream girl shows up, but even then they’ll still likely struggle because they strongly prefer casual.
The 2nd is the men who want things to move at a more organic pace. A non-small amount of women in their 30s go into dating like an “interview” and want to lock things down ASAP. A lot of women have had experiences being stuck in dead-end FWB/situationships that lasted too long without commitment, so now they’re extra cautious in trying to avoid that again.
Which makes sense, but sorta dampens the mood (like a wet blanket) for genuine men who just want the pace to feel natural.
In the same way a woman might feel objectified because men just want sex with her, men can also feel objectified when women see him as a good “on paper” candidate so they push for commitment, without truly wanting to take the time to get to know him. It can feel like those women want the ring, the relationship status, someone to have babies with etc more than they actually value the relationship with him.
I feel in today’s dating landscape a lot of people are talking to and dating multiple people at once. I know I was guilty of this. I feel like a lot of times “dating with no expectations” is a way of saying I am dating multiple people so don’t expect us to be exclusive until we have that talk. It keeps your options open. Good Luck out there.
I recently had similar discussion because I don’t get it either. I am looking for a relationship but it doesn’t mean I want to get married tomorrow or move in immediately. For me it means I want to go on various dates, spend time together in different ways (not only his place and sex), get to know each other and focus on each other.
But I was told as well, that when women put in their profile that they are looking for a relationship, men feel too much pressure and think there will be too many expectations. But I don’t want to be stuck in another situationship or casual sex situation, so for me it would be important to know that a guy is looking for a relationship too.
So, I am curious about answers.
Guys who are defending this: how often do guys actually encounter someone who… expects someone to commit to them after one date? I see a lot of “don’t want to force anything”. What is being forced? Do you believe most women are like this?
For me it’s a red flag because either the guy is broadcasting avoidant tendencies or they believe a lot of women are crazy.
Could you ask what he means? Maybe ask him to be **more specific** about what he means by expectations. I’m straight, 37f and if I were dating a 31 year old man, I’d be like, “What do you mean by this phrase??” and I’d use his answer to understand if our values are aligned.
I don’t want to hurt you, but if he’s 36, for me, he’d need to have a good answer with specifics or I’d be moving on. Again, this is personal to me! It could be a way to deflect from having a real conversation about our shared values if this imaginary 36 year old man was like, “I’m just dating around to ~*see what happens*~”. I would find that so cowardly lol
As the Barbie movies goes “does long-term **low-commitment casual girlfriend** mean nothing?!”
Date with no expectations =
*want to have my cake and eat it unapologetically*.
Date and see what happens = *wants the
benefits of having a gf but without the commitment*.
It’s intentionally ambiguous phrasing to placate you and politely cut the discussion short. They date multiple people, you are one of the roster. They don’t want to be exclusive *with you*.
Time to reevaluate if you’re looking for a committed partnership.
To me this is very clear. No expectations. Don’t expect anything of them.
i always found that it was guys who wanted a fallback later… so when you’re 3 months in and really like him asking about exclusivity he can say “i told you no expectations and you said that was fine”. most of what people in these comments are defending as “having no expectations” is just… the definition of dating. getting to know someone and seeing where it goes with no guarantee of commitment *is what dating is*. when they feel the need to single out that i shouldn’t expect anything of them, then i am gone. almost always signals a fear of commitment in my experience.
I don’t waste my time with guys no have no expectations. I am looking for marriage, a nice family, two kids, a mid sized family car and one suv and one dog. Just kidding.
But I am serious about not dating men who don’t know what they are looking for. I’m a mid 30s busy woman and I can only make time for what I am specifically looking for. I just say bye bye and have no trouble meeting men who also seem to be wanting marriage or long term relationships, they don’t have time to waste as well.
OLD w/o expectations means we’ll date until I find someone I’m more interested in.
Honestly, people who say that are confused, afraid, and don’t know what they want. Very like you to lead you on or be hot and cold. I wouldn’t waste your time.
To me it means they want it to be very much like a relationship, sex, companionship, comfort, but with as little effort from them as possible. Netflix and take out, last minute plans, no special thought put into dates, just the easiest, low effort situation possible. But sex, all the sex. With you and others if possible, without any repercussions.
I’m not a man, but when I’ve used or received this line it usually meant “I’m not looking for a serious relationship now so don’t expect one from me”
LOL oh man, this whole topic is hilarious to me because it’s one that I just shake my head at. I generally don’t find myself engaging with men who feel the need to state “no expectations.”
But if I find myself engaging with one, I’m(36F) the person who asks, “Okay, what’s the difference between what you want and dating? Like going out on dates with someone until you decide you want to keep doing that or stop?”
It’s as if men look at women who are looking for a relationship and automatically think she’s going to want one with *them*.
I feel like I have to stop myself from explaining that just because I think someone is interesting enough to go on a date with, it doesn’t mean I’m going to want to be in relationship with them. 🫠 what a concept lol
Some other commenter said maybe we’re not the intended audience for those kinds of notations if the explanation of “no expectations” feels like the definition of dating to us. But I do think the phrasing makes dating unreasonably difficult due to its vagueness.
And let’s be honest, anyone who thinks there aren’t multiple meanings behind phrases / euphemisms like “no expectations” coming off of dating apps is being intellectually dishonest. And, if a man is genuinely just trying to normal pace dating, the lack of clear communication around that is wild to me because he *has* to know it’s a loaded ass phrase that is going to potentially slot him into the “he’s forever casual / avoidant / afraid of commitment” category.
I have encountered men like this (date without expectations, go with the flow). You really dunno what they are up to, but based on experience they will waste your time.
i upfront tell them I have a no sex rule until I’m sure/committed. Those who want something serious will respect you and pursue you properly. Those who want casual usually will drop off.
No man regardless of race/culture is going to let something they want go if they see it.
Usually I weed them out early by telling them “sure, you can date with no expectations. but I want to date with intention towards marriage (if thats what OP want).” I rarely get stuck in situationships.
Those who want casual sex will drop off immediately within a week.
Those who want to date but no marriage, will drop off in a month or two.
Those who want marriage will start to really consider if you are the right one. The one who wants you, will stay.
If you want something, don’t act like the “cool girl” because sadly it doesn’t get us very far and into FWB situations for far far too long. If your needs for future and his misalign, it’s best to know early. If he leaves, u didn’t lose him because he was never the right one.
Men love complaining about women who know what they want, saying they are desperate, come off too strongly etc etc.. Whatever it is, don’t get sucked into their nonsense.
It means they aren’t dating with intention and it just happens to turn into a LTR, so be it.
As a 30sF I immediately do not match / decline these ones because I clearly state I’m dating with the intention of a LTR/life partner.
I don’t want to waste my time dating someone that I might have good chemistry with, but will decide two years from now “oh I never really thought about a traditional life or getting married”. Men like this tend to have an attitude of seeing it the relationship is good enough to change their mind or make a priority, so no thank you.
I’m 33f. In my experience, these guys are not long out of serious relationships. They either aren’t fully over the ex, or they are enjoying being single and don’t want to fully commit to the first person that comes along. They like the freedom to speak to multiple girls. In my experience, they are not the same as players who are just after sex.
I feel like if any of my buddies say this, they mean “I wanna hook up and be able to leave this when I find something better and you can’t call me out for it because I said no expectations.”
This is dating over thirty, not pursuing marriage over 30, so it’s fair for people who don’t want serious relationships to participate, but acting like they really want anything serious is being pretty disingenuous.
In most cases that means the person is going to waste your time if you want something serious
He wants sex with you. But at the same time, he thinks he may like to have sex with others. He doesn’t want you trying to lock him down into an exclusive relationship.
In other words, you’re unlikely to have a long-term future with him. STDs, however, are a distinct possibility.
Mean they are there for sex but not a relationship
This whole comment thread makes me really wish that each dating website had a list of standardized “Rules of Engagement” and glossary of terms. So if someone put, “no expectations” in their profile, you could go to the glossary and go, okay this is what they mean. You could refer to it as you were writing your profile as well.
The “Rules of Engagement” could explain what is expected on the first three dates.
I know that people would lie still, but some wouldn’t. I also know it’s a little like a [sex contract](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5B5NMN7GBA4)… (Super throwback reference I know) but I wish those were real too… lol
Sex.
He hopes to get lucky so he can cut ties with a clear conscience
It’s redundant, it’s mansplaining dating. In my experience people who do this are commitment phobes, which is what they’re communicating. He’s made it clear you can’t expect more than casual from him so if you want more I’d move on.
Basically a lot of people date only for the purpose of finding a partner and they see any interaction that doesn’t lead to being in a long term marriage with kids as some kind of failure or trick.
I think men say it more often because more traditional women tend to frame any dating relationship that doesn’t lead to marriage as being played or dealing with an immature person. I came from a pretty conservative area and there was so much pressure on women for every relationship to lead to marriage. To have a perfect love story that of course doesn’t involve spending time or being physical with a person who ultimately isn’t your husband. The general slut shaming means that every person you date you sort of “lose value” to and so I could see some guys feeling the need to preemptively say us going on a date does not mean I inherently see you as a potential wife.
I think the type of dating you outlined is a more healthy and realistic approach but from personal experience I don’t know if it’s the most common,.
As I learned the hard way, it probably means he’s seeing other people too
I have this philosophy and to me it means I’m going to talk to people, go on dates and enjoy it without having to worry about the pressure of not being liked and possibly even not hitting it off. When I was younger I would bend in every way to impress or hit it off with a girl I like. The older I’ve gotten the more I realized that I was love bombing and not genuinely being myself. I don’t like the idea of being hyper fixated women or having my world revolve around them. I have things in my life that I prioritize more than my relationships. Also girls have plenty of options and men chasing them. I’m not here to compete with anyone except myself. The only expectation I have is that I’m the one who decides what’s best for me not women. If I feel like my time is being wasted I won’t even bother explaining why. I don’t have time for bullshit. I wanted to be treated with the same respect and admiration that I would give someone I like and if that’s not possible that’s fine.
It’s men’s way of making it seem like there are MILLIONS of women trying to “trap” them. When really, that isn’t even close to the truth.
“No expectations/seeing what’s out there/just looking to date but open to a relationship”
Is all an instant left swipe for me, as sometimes looking for a relationship, and I don’t enjoy casual. In my experience, all of those phrases are just cop-out slogans for “I just want sex but if I say that in my profile I don’t get matches.”
It means “I want a fun date partner and sex partner but we won’t be anything serious”
Trust me. It’s a situationship. It will never be more.
If you want more move on. They are not worth it and you will bend over backward to be low maintenance and they will give nothing in return.
I’m a woman and not dating with expectations (or intentions), and that seems totally normal to me. tbh i was looking for very casual when i met the guy i’m dating now. I don’t really do anything with expectations tho? like… I like this person, let’s see where it goes.
But a lot of my friends are dating WITH INTENTION. they want a proposal, then wedding, then baby within a certain time frame. maybe it’s bc i don’t want kids or marriage either, but that’s crazy to me!! to make the decision “i want to get married” before even meeting a man you want to marry seems backwards to me.
i *think* guys who say that are reacting to those kinds of women.