Context: I’m an only child and so is my mom. I’ve been with my partner for 9 years. We both have good jobs and a steady income, earning roughly the same. We aren’t married, but an engagement ring has been purchased and I anticipate a proposal in the near future. We don’t live together as of now: he is currently paying $875 for a small basement apartment in one city, and I live at home with my parents in another city.
The circumstance: My grandmother (mom’s mom) passed in 2019 and my grandfather passed in 2021. When they passed, my mom inherited their home. There is no mortgage on the home, and it remains in her name.
She offered to let me and my partner use it as our first home. Given the nature of the housing market in our area, I eagerly accepted. The house is detached, has a big front yard, and is located in a safe, established neighbourhood where homes easily go for $800K-$1M. Despite it being an obvious upgrade to his current living situation, my partner is much more trepidatious because of the terms set forth by my mom, based on the advice of a lawyer with whom she consulted.
The terms are:
1. I pay for all renos and upgrades, with no financial assistance from my partner. My mom’s rationale for this is that the lawyer told her that if he helped to pay for any upgrades and we were to break up later, he would be entitled to money or a buyout. (*I have done this and covered the property taxes (about $4700/ year) as well. I have no problem with this and living at home has allowed me to save money to afford the renos.*)
2. If or when we decide to move and buy another house, I would receive the amount of money I paid to upgrade the house plus a profit margin from the proceeds of the sale. She has said she *might* transfer the ownership to me if we choose to stay there permanently…but never specifies when (certainly not in the near future).
3. When my partner moves in, he pays a nominal rent (like $600 a month), while I pay no rent. We would also be responsible for utilities, property taxes, home insurance, maintenance, and any other expenses associated with home ownership. This structure would not change if we were married. My mom has said that this is a landlord-tenant relationship and not a family living in family property relationship….but insists she wants to give us a break and a great deal. She doesn’t want my partner to pay any more than he is currently paying now.
Now, my partner views the fact that he has to pay rent and I do not as being strange/poorly structured at best and unfair at worst. He raises the following points as to why he views this arrangement as problematic:
1. We aren’t being treated as a couple when he is asked to pay rent and I am not. My mom emphasizes that this is a deal between *her and I,* and if she wants to give me a break, it’s none of his business. He has no problem with paying rent, but he wants there to be some consistency and structure to it. For example, either *we* pay one rent as a couple the whole time, or he pays rent until we are married, and after that he receives the same benefit as I do without having to pay rent.
I told my mom that since we will have a joint account solely for the purpose of paying bills that we will contribute to equally, it will basically be like us splitting the rent anyways. She doesn’t like that. She wants me to have it free, and says he should be grateful he’s getting a break with a lower rent.
2. If this is a landlord-tenant arrangement with him paying rent, then he believes he should not be paying anything towards property taxes and home insurance because those are expenses incurred by a home owner, not a tenant.
3. He questions the amount of money we would actually be saving paying rent, utilities, property taxes, maintenance, and all other expenses that come with home ownership. He says we could buy our own place based on what we’re spending.
4. He does not like the fact that I’ve spent all this money on renovations and that the “profit margin” my mom promises to pay me has not been defined.
I have no doubt my mom will be generous with a profit margin and is not out to screw us over. My partner does not think she’s doing any of this with malice and has no problem with paying rent…but does have an issue with the structuring/rationale behind it.
Does anyone have any suggestions for how a tenancy agreement should be structured? Is there something we have not yet considered that we should be considering? Is my mom’s proposed arrangement fair to all parties involved?
Any help would be appreciated!
49 comments
Gave this a second thought, I think it’s fair.
What I would change is that the bf pays just rent, not property tax and insurance.
He pays $600 and you give him $300 in a completely different transaction
Mom is playing 3-D chess, while they’re playing tiddly-winks.
to be fair, “utilities, property taxes, home insurance, maintenance, and any other expenses associated with home ownership” are built into rents. The $875 he is currently paying for his apartment is used to pay those bills (well, utilities are the most likely to be separate).
However, he has a point that it may not actually be saving money if hes also paying $600/mo. It may not be financially prudent for him, and you shouldn’t expect him to agree to a deal that mostly benefits you (even if the house is nicer and more comfortable and that would be a benefit to him). I think you would want to have this dollar figure clearly stated before agreeing, and probably wanting to get it in writing.
Basically, yall need to know the numbers before you really decide whether its fair and wise, or not. I understand his trepidation but also why your mother has structured it this way. You also say your mother is a reasonable person, so perhaps yall can approach her with a fair deal based on the information you receive.
He should pay rent and his portion of utilities. I think him paying taxes is a bad idea for your mom because that’s what a home owner does.
It’s absolutely hilarious she’s trying to defer the property taxes and home insurance to him.
There are some concerns for me here. You’ve laid out money and don’t know how much you would get. You would keep paying taxes etc but again, not know how much you would get. With nothing in writing Mom and Dad could decide to sell it tomorrow and you get zero.
Strings upon strings upon strings attached to you staying in a house you don’t own with no real evidence that you’ll get anything out of it in the future. Right now it’s the rent that he doesn’t get a say in. What’s going to be the next thing she yells at him about? And you? I’d pass, honestly. I’ve dealt with inlaws like her and it almost broke up my 10+ year marriage. A nice house is small payment for a shitty landlord.
Tenants do not pay home insurance, maintenance, or taxes. You mom should charge you both rent and pay those things if she wants a landlord-tenant arrangement.
ETA also the home insurance HAS to be in the name of the person who owns the home. She has to pay it anyway. And if anything happens that you need it, she has to be the one doing the claim.
Personally, I wouldn’t pay for renovations or property taxes on a home that isn’t in my name. The promise of it eventually becoming yours is not a contract and it seems like a waste of earned income.
You’ve mentioned in a comment that your boyfriend already thinks your mother is overbearing, and you’ve posted about your mother insisting on driving you everywhere and throwing ‘fits’ to get you to comply.
Your boyfriend may have concerns that this ‘deal’ could be a way for your mother to exert further control of you, and the way you have explained the terms here leaves a lot of power in the hands of your mother.
The simple answer is you need to get independent legal advice from a lawyer . And you need a proper contract outlining all the conditions each person must follow. At this point in time your mother can tell you whatever she likes but ultimately she owns the house and at any time she can change her requirements , sell the house , or decide to evict you or leave the estate to any one. In that case it will be a messy drawn out legal battle. You also have to think of things like if you need to move elsewhere in the future .
Get real legal advice , not random Reddit advice
I am surprised he is not far more upset about this arrangement than he states. There are prenups and legal arrangements that could be made without your mother being the landlord of your housing. If I were him I would not live there.
Frankly I am not sure what more to say. If she want to leave it to you, it is not yours until then. So there is no reason for landlord arrangement. As far as him upgrading it I am sure an attorney could get him him to sign a waiver. Frankly if I were him, I would look for a way out of the relationship with an adult with more equal arrangement, and less parental interference.
You need to find somewhere else to live. Moms control is only just beginning. Let your relationship live or die somewhere else. Beholden to moms rules, it doesn’t stand a chance
Realistically if he is paying rent, regardless of the sum, he is treated as a tenant and therefore the home owner/landlord will be legally obligated for the maintenance on all permanent fixtures in the house. Tenants are not legally obligated to pay for the maintenance in the house, just keep it in good condition.
I think your mother is throwing in some extras there saying that the lawyer has stated this when in actuality she is just throwing in her own terms that won’t hold up in court.
You need a written contract from a lawyer with terms outlined specifically. Your mother is not outlining the legalities, your partner is in the right here regarding the maintenance etc. He can pay rent and utilities but that’s all he is obligated to do under the eyes of the law.
Have you had a look at other starter homes in the area? If you can afford a different place you both like, why not do that? Rent out the other, or sell it.
A beautiful, cheap home is nice, but I understand wanting to live somewhere without familial strings attached. He might want to feel independent, and like it’s just the two of you, which is hard to do in your mother’s home. Especially if he’s moving *for* you.
If there’s nothing you can afford that you like, then the argument is moot.
I totally agree with him on point 1 and 2.
I feel like you sold him out when you told your mother that you and he would have a joint account to pay the ‘rent’ from – the two of you could have done that and left her completely in the dark.
Re point 2, a true tenant doesn’t pay those things so are you / is he a tenant or is she just taking advantage of him? Seems like the second with regard to him to be honest. It really feels like all your mother is doing her is trying to protect HER asset. She is saying she MIGHT pass it to you one day – but when? And how many reno’s will you have done that have added substantial value by then that you don’t get anything back for? Sure you’ll inherit the home when she finally passes, but it will go to your father first.
I don’t blame your partner / soon to be fiancé for being very wary here. I understand your mother wants to protect the home in case the two of you separate, but how about she simply suggests a legal agreement like a pre-Nup but signed now for the two of you about the home rather than all of this rubbish that is protecting her?
Without seeing the state of the place with part 1, it is hard to judge any of it.
It’s not a bad idea your mother has presented, but it’s messy and full of potential future conflict. It would be better if you both paid rent for the place and your mother handles what she is supposed to handle to be honest. This way your mother has the benefit of knowing it’s being looked after by her daughter and any work being done is not in vain.
I think you need more learned advice than this. Either going to a sub that is frequented by lawyers, or even better, actually discussing this with a lawyer or a financial advisor. I think I agree with your BF, this sounds ridiculously complicated if you do become married and your finances are combined. How would your mother actually know where the finances are coming from when things are paid? Are you just supposed to always have separate finances? Does she expect you to continue to just pay for your things, and he pays for his things forever?
I also have some thoughts that she might be, intentionally or unintentionally, trying to maintain a separation between you. Are you absolutely certain she likes your BF?
Up until you get married, this does actually sound fine. But when you get married, your assets will be combined along with your finances. What is the point of all this bending around to keep things separated at that point? The only way this would work long term would be if you got the house or the money from the house as an inheritance and not just as a gift. (Don’t forget about taxes, either way.)
Whatever happens, I truly think you need some brainstorming from a professional. Please talk to a professional. I have no problem with being careful, just as long as you are doing it with intentionality and proper research.
Sounds like your mom is going to shaft you once the renovations are complete. I would procede with a lot of caution. Your boyfriend has some very valid points.
If you aren’t paying rent you could be forced out of the house if your mom am wants to sell it.
You’ve said in multiple comments your bf thinks your mum is overbearing. So I can understand not wanting to be under the thumb of someone like that. Because the reality is, while you are confident all this will work out, you have no way of knowing that. She could sell the house (or need to use it to pay for assisted living or a nursing home) and you will lose all that money you put into it, you could end up not inheriting it. Because it’s all verbal nothing is locked in. And for your bf, had it occurred to you that you are preventing him from ever owning property for himself? You could leave him 10 years down the line and he has nothing. If you buy together you own together. This situation means that he will never own a house as your mum has made it super clear that even after marriage he is merely a tenant – and not even your tenant, hers.
Sorry, but this is a really, really bad idea. This is all about mommy’s control. Is she going to dictate when to have private time too? An important aspect of starting out long term is you do it on your own, together. It’s so much better that way and no one can tell you what to do. If you do it mom’s way, you’ll be single within a year. Choose wisely.
Get your own house and build your own equity: there is no benefit to you living in this house that your mom owns – the benefit is all hers: this will cause many problems for you and your partner.
If he is a tenant then the taxes and insurance on the dwelling are not his responsibility. She wants to enter in a business arrangement with him, but not you. If I were him I would be questioning my future position as her son in law.
It’s great that you trust your mom to do the right thing when the time comes. If I am him there is zero way I trust her at all. He might be better off where he is now.
I would advise against-strongly against paying property taxes, maintenance and upgrades for any property/home I did not own, especially when that property is owned by another family member. These agreements cause more problems than they are worth. How many people think their family would never screw them over and that’s what happens. What seems like a dream could easily become a nightmare.
If your mother wanted to sell the house either to you directly or both of you after you get married that may be something to consider.
What exactly is your mother trying to accomplish here? Have you bear all the costs of a home she owns for who knows how long? Why doesn’t she just sell it?
I can’t believe anyone reading the 3 terms you list thinks this is a good idea.
The idea of charging your boyfriend/fiancé a nominal rental amount is the least of the things wrong with this senecio. Honestly the only one to benefit in the end is your mother.
It almost seems that this situation with this house could cause a breakup 🙄. You get a house, he gets to pay rent. Is mom using the rent for insurance? Property tax? It seems she’s just getting pure profit? I guess you have to ask some questions and get things in writing. Anyone can change their minds.
This is just so complicated that I would be wary about it. I can see all the sides but I’d be nervous about this too. If you’re both truly creating a partnership then you should consider if your mom will let you buy it on contract or something. You said you have already spent money on repairs so that further complicates deals. Financial deals should be fully in writing with the contract clear for both sides. Your Mom has only made the contract clear for her side. What you get out of the deal has been left undefined. You could end up with nothing or willed a house that has now increased in value and having to sell it to pay the inheritance taxes. You probably want to consult your own lawyer.
You need to engage with your own attorney on the terms that have been laid out. At the least, your boyfriend shouldn’t be paying rent AND homeowner expenses like property taxes. I personally have some experience with this as someone who received property from family. My partner and I have an agreement with our relative, and I cannot overstate the importance of getting your own legal advice here.
On another note, it’s concerning that the structure of this deal wouldn’t change if you were married. It feels overbearing of your mother to dictate that you need to manage your finances separately in your marriage, so that your (potential) husband is still paying rent while you aren’t. That’s not for her to decide. You need to decide how to manage money in your marriage without interference. Plenty of couples choose to combine their finances, which can be a tremendous benefit of marriage when managed well, and this deal as presently outlined would prevent you from managing your money as a couple.
OP, hate to say it but you need to have your own lawyer look at the agreement before you sign. The agreement blurs too many lines between tenancy and ownership. And important things are completely omitted.
You could pay for renovations but never end up getting the house or the funds given back to you. There are many scenarios where this would be the outcome but the most obvious is your parent’s medical expenses.
If one of them struggles with an ongoing illness they might be forced to sell and keep the entire profit to pay debts. Sure, you are supposed to get your renovation investment back but you’ll feel terrible for asking for it. So you probably won’t. The agreement only protects you if you decide that it should. And in other scenarios you’ll be torn between maintaining a good relationship with your parents versus forcing them to abide by the agreement.
There are many reasons why tenants shouldn’t take the risk of renovating a property they don’t own. Ask your lawyer how negligence, injuries, and property damage would play out with insurance and the law. And ask what would happen if your parents had to declare bankruptcy.
In short, if the situation doesn’t play out perfectly, there’s going to be lots of drama ahead.
You shouldn’t sign this agreement. You and the bf should be treated as standard tenants in a rental. Don’t spend any of your personal money on renovations for a property you don’t own. If your mom really wants those renovations, she can recoup her funds through your modest rent over time. You can even be the go-between for the contractors and your mom. But she has to be the client and payee in those agreements, not you.
Again, go see a lawyer if you are so set on pleasing your mom by agreeing to all this. A lawyer can point out all the possible problems with this arrangement better than we can. You and your mom have good intentions but neither of you see the problems ahead.
If she’s truly wanting a landlord/tenant situation, she should be paying the taxes, for the renovations and such. As tenants, y’all should be paying utilities and rent. She can’t have it both ways. I mean, I guess she can TRY to have it both ways, but it’s not fair to your bf, like he said
If, after 9.5 year the relationship has not progressed, is it perhaps not time to rethink this anyway?
Your bf does not sound excited to move in with you to make this work. Neither of you want to lose living close to your network.
If you truly want to make this work, rent a property of your own together.
I am a bit concerned you have paid renovations on a house that is not in your name. It is all very well your mother saying it will be yours one day, but your parents could live another 35 years and might need the cash to fund a care home – or be forced to pay it as a tangible asset.
First off, don’t pay for renovations on a house you don’t own. Her insisting he pays for property taxes and home
Insurance as a tenant is also laughable. The fact that it also wouldn’t change if you were married is revealing. This is just absurdly messy and I could see this ballooning into a relationship ending situation with your boyfriend. Tread carefully.
Although it sounds fair on first look, I think your partner has very valid concerns. I think this needs to be a situation where it’s either all one way or all the other, not half and half. Either the house is your mother’s and you’re living there as family in exchange for maintenance costs OR you’re *both* tenants with a contract, paying a set amount of rent each month, and with all the legal protections that offers you. You can’t have it both ways.
You mother wants a landlords/ tenant arrangement.
But she wants you to not pay rent but wants your boyfriend/ fiancé/ husband be the one only to pay rent.
She can’t have it both ways. Either your family and she can insist on certain terms OR your tenants and you can pay it however you want.
I would speak to your OWN lawyer about the contract if you decide to go ahead. Personally from you comments I’d nope out of there. I think your use to your mother controlling you and don’t see what your partner is seeing or what is a healthy relationship with your mother. She can be lovely and kind and not screw you over but she is sounding quite manipulative to an outsider.
As someone who moved about an hour and a half away from all friends and family for a relationship, your boyfriend is probably scared he will feel alone and unsupported. Even in the best relationships, there will be times you two have issues and need space. You can rely on and hang out with friends and family. He will have no one since his only local support is you. He will feel isolated and begin to resent you. That will impact your relationship. Trust me. I have the benefit of hindsight. Would I do it again? Absolutely. Some relationships are worth it. Mine is. And I’m hoping yours is. But there are challenges. And if he’s not able to communicate those fears, those fears might manifest as a reluctance to see the bigger picture of a “mostly” positive living arrangement.
Bottom line, this does not benefit him. He’s paying rent as well as part of the utilities, taxes (crazy for a tenant), and insurance (unless this is renters insurance this is also crazy for a tenant) so he’ll likely be paying near or more than his current cost. He has to relocate. There’s no mention of his work and if he will have to find a new job or have a longer commute. Nor if he’s further from family and friends. There’s no mention of if this location is where he wants to settle down or if it limits his career or potential growth.
This deal benefits you and honestly, mainly your mom. She will be receiving additional income, no longer paying for taxes/insurance/repairs, and have someone improving the value of her property without dealing with the unknowns of renting to a stranger.
Is there a reason for you to not become the owner now? That way you have more autonomy over the place you live.
This sounds to be like a poisoned chalice. Independence has value too. I get where mom is coming from. She’s trying to help daughter and protect her assets. Perfectly reasonable. But she probably will also say “it’s my house” and feel she can drop by whenever. This and questions of what’s “fair “ are going to plague the relationship between OP and mom, OP and BF, and mom and BF. It’s worth it to stand on your own two feet, become independent, and start building equity in a home of your own.
I wouldnt do it. Ive lived in my partners mums houses and it gives them a power over you. I wouldnt even do it with paperwork, not worth the fights it will cause.
Personally, if it were me and I loved my partner and I saw a long term relationship happening, I would thank my mom and turn down the opportunity.
A bigger house isn’t worth it if the terms are designed to treat yourself and your partner as roommates. Your mom can rent the house out to someone else and down the line, when she considers you and partner as a unit, then move in.
The fair thing to do would be to figure out the cost of the taxes and renovations, etc and get a monthly rent and you both pay half to your mom. She can pay the taxes and renovation costs. Why is that not a reasonable adjustment if she is open to changes? She doesn’t want you to pay “rent” but you are paying money for taxes and renos – just make it more fair so you and your bf are being treated equally.
Personally, I would not propose or marry someone who at 29 has not moved out of their parents’ home. I can see why he is hesitant. You have failed to launch. Take a year, move to an apartment in between you both – 45 min to visit family and friends for each of you. Just because you do not see the value in his family and friends doesn’t mean he doesn’t. Try living a year without your mom making all your decisions for you. You say that he doesn’t understand rental prices but you don’t understand being an adult and making decisions on your own. I am also Canadian and had overbearing parents but you don’t know what YOU really want or who YOU are until you are free to discover those things without being influenced. You can be close with your mom and be independent. Right now there are three people in your romantic life. You need to try having a partnership with just your bf. The house will still be there in a year and your mom can rent it out until then.
You say you want to be fair to your partner but you consistently downplay his sacrifices (you are closer to your friends and family so it shouldn’t bother him to leave his support system, etc) and you only respond to those comments that agree with you. You like the deal because it is all in your favour and you get to live in your grandparents’ house. Is it more important to do this or to develop your relationship with your bf? Go see a lawyer with your bf and listen to what they say before you try and force him to take this deal. If it is such an amazing opportunity, the lawyer will confirm it and you will have spent a few hundred to give your bf peace of mind.
You do know you don’t have to move into that house, right?
Your partner isn’t wrong. This is set up in a way to benefit your mother, and the vagueness of certain details is concerning. The housing market is EXPENSIVE, so I don’t fault you for wanting to take the deal. I suggest getting your own lawyer to hash it out, since she already has one herself
If I were your bf I would not move into that house.
You should take this over to r/realestate to get some input about structuring the lease terms.
I think your mom wants to protect you so this house doesn’t become community property once you’re married.
Tenants don’t pay property taxes and maintenance. Your mom is taking him for a ride. I’m sorry it sounds like she’s eying make a buck out of your partner.
Your boyfriend should not have to pay Insurance or Taxes if he’s paying rent on the house. He’s not saving any money on this “deal” at all. What is he getting out of this except a controlling MIL and being left with nothing should you divorce in 10 years. He would be a fool to agree to this agreement tbh.
If this is a landlord-tenant relationship, you can definitely find a much less demanding and a much more professional landlord than your mom.
My guess is your mom can not afford the taxes and upkeep on the property. She’s literally trying to use you to keep the property so she can sell it later. She is even trying to get you to pay for upkeep. Another thing is only the owner of the home can pay the taxes on it… so she’s clearly not well versed, nor is her supposed lawyer. Do not take this bait.
Any self respecting man will not go for this deal, based on principle alone. That being said this might look like a good deal, but a good deal is of no use if it doesn’t align with your priorities, in this case his priorities. If he’s in a good job and can afford things by himself why would he give that up to take on this supposed good deal with all these strings attached. Sometimes autonomy is more important than a good deal that doesn’t fall within what is important to you. Here’s an idea let you mum rent that house to someone else and give you any proceeds she feels she wants to share with you and you can then add that money to your joint incomes for your own place or rent or whatever, this deal I am afraid will only cause resentment in the long run and you don’t want to start a marriage like this.