We have been together for 5 1/2 yrs, married since June.
In July, my partner quit his job as he couldn’t handle the toxic work place he was in. He worked as an entry lab tech in at an AG company, so he is unable to work at a similar job site as he signed a Trade Secrets Agreement for this type of work. I assumed he would be able to find work relatively easily, so I was supportive of him. We live in a rural area, so the amount of jobs are limited. I need help to support him without tearing his resolve down.
He does a job search daily on various job sites and I believe he has sent emails to the employers as well. He had 1 job offer, but because of the agreement, he can’t work there. I ask if he has called the places and he gets annoyed saying that they will call him. He gets anxious when it comes to phone calls I believe, so I don’t think he’s making very many. Especially not follow up calls when he doesn’t hear back from them. I can’t help but feel that he isn’t making the effort he should be to score an interview. I try to offer advice for his next steps, but he just gets annoyed. I know there are jobs he hasn’t applied for because he doesn’t think he would like it, but we need him to bring home income. He doesn’t want to work night shift or weird hours because he wants to be able to hang out with me (I’m on bank hours). I totally agree, but at the same time a job is better than nothing.
Another thing that’s added stress to all this is that I started online school in August. So I’ve been a lot busier, and admittedly have slipped a bit on my half of chores. I’m trying to do better, but I do get overwhelmed at times. He does most of the cooking which I greatly appreciate, but otherwise spends his time job searching or playing video games. He doesn’t have to be a maid, but it would be really nice if he could contribute more to the house since he’s at home 24/7. I haven’t said this to him as I feel I could be in the wrong there.
Money wise, I make like just enough for us to get by, but we have used up the little savings we had. He made more than I did at his previous job, so it was a little hard to work around the large loss of income. We have a mortgage payment, two car payments, and I’ve basically maxed my credit card. We got married in June, so I was expecting to pay off of the credit card afterwards.
I’m stressed out, but I don’t know how to help him without him getting more depressed/feeling worthless. I know there are a lot of jobs that he would struggle with because of his Autism, but I don’t know how to just tell him to find anything that will bring in money. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
TL;DR: My husband has been jobless since July and doesn’t seem to be going to the extent to land interviews that he should be. Money is tight and I’m stressed. I don’t know how to help without being nagging or putting him down
4 comments
Can you elaborate on that Trade Secrets Agreement? And what do you mean by AG? Agriculture Genetics?
In my experience those things are BS and once you leave for a few months it doesn’t really stop you from taking a new job. They’re unenforceable. But it might be different in his field.
You need to tell him directly? You are husband and wife so you need to be able to have honest and direct conversations or this is not going to work.
Chores should be split mostly proportionally to how much free time you have.
It is a good idea to learn to adult individually so you don’t have to help your partner along and end up in a parent role.
This is one of the many reasons it’s often cautioned not to get married so young!
Not what you want to hear, but you’re learning first hand why it’s usually a big mistake to marry this young. There are clues all through here, but the biggest is when you say you don’t know how to tell him he needs to bring in money. You shouldn’t have to tell a spouse to begin with, but since you do, you need to be open and honest.
This means telling him everything you said here, especially this: “I can’t help but feel that he isn’t making the effort he should be”.
You have a very big problem and it won’t disappear on its own. There are many “polite, but firm” ways to tell him he’s not pulling his weight in the marriage.
It’s tough being screwed in the job market, and it’s tough being the parter of someone going through that.
It’s possible he’s doing everything he can and just can’t find a job. Shit really is bad out there. It’s also possible that he’s making basic mistakes and could benefit from someone reading over his applications or strategizing about interviews with him… but the fact is, if he doesn’t want that help, then asking about it and repeatedly offering is just going to make him feel like you don’t trust him.
I think you need to stop focusing on the process (how is he applying to jobs, has he called them yet) and focus on the result. You two need to sit down together and work out a clear timeline for when he’ll get a new job, and at one point he’ll lower his standards to work weird hours. I’ve had the same conversation with my own partner: she couldn’t find the remote work she wanted, but we agreed that if she couldn’t find it after x months, she’d accept hybrid even though it’s not ideal. As long as you’re on the same page about what he will do, you shouldn’t have to micromanage him (which is stressful for both of you).
When you figure this out, I would also make sure he knows a) that you see what he’s going through and are sympathetic to him, so he’s not defensive, and b) the impact this has on you. At the end of the day, you need a certain income for you guys to make your mortgage payments, and you psychologically need to know that you are taking care of each other. He probably feels like you would view him as a failure if he worked a service/gig economy job, and it can be really validating for you to tell him that him bringing something in and having your back is more important to you than his “status.”
I’m pretty sure this exact problem is why my parents broke up. Hopefully you guys have better luck!