My boyfriend (m26) and I (f24) have been together for a little over a year. And I love him dearly he’s probably the most emotionally stable and loving man I’ve been with. However, I honestly hate going to his house because it always smells. He and his roommate will leave old food and dishes in the sink for months to the point I’ve found old butter knives with peanut butter on it covered in mold. I’ve cleaned it for him a few times and fully shown him the mold covered knives but every time I don’t come over for a few weeks when I come back everything smells again. It’s come to the point I just feel like I have to parent them both. Not only is it putting a strain on our relationship but it’s also absolutely killed my sex drive. I truly do not know what to do at this point, I really don’t want to end our relationship because of it but it also makes me very concerned for our future. I just needed to vent this out and see if anyone maybe had some words of advice.

Side note: his roommate also regularly acts like an over grown child.

Edit: the other part of the problem is his roommate who is just as bad if not worse. I’ve jokingly said that I’m going to confiscate all the butter knives so his roommate can’t leave gross peanut butter covered butter knives in the sink anymore.

30 comments

  1. What you wrote here isn’t unkind. I think people confuse “being kind” with “sugarcoating.” That’s not true. You can say exactly what you did here and there’s nothing rude about it.

  3. Either hang out at your house or say: “please clean up before I come over. I’m not trying to catch giardia or necrotizing fasciitis just to chill with you”. And if you get there and it’s gross, *leave*. Who will set standards for you if you don’t? He’s well on his way to being a 30yr old man with a sink full of moldy cutlery, if he won’t get it together it’s not a huge loss.

  6. When people show you who they are, believe them.

    This kind of mess is okay with him. He doesn’t see a problem with it.

    Stop going over there. And for the love of all the unicorns and rainbows, don’t move in together unless/until he can demonstrate that he can handle basic adulting!

    Just tell him “babe, I love you but the condition of your place grossed me out. Until you can get the cleaning under control, I’m not coming over. It totally kills my sex drive and is a major turnoff overall.”

  7. Refuse to participate in this game. His house is no longer a place you will spend time at, because it is filthy. Don’t allow this to mean he will now spend all his time at yours, it’s not a trade off.

    Invited to his? ‘No thank you, it’s too dirty.’

    Let’s go to yours then. ‘No, my disinterest in being in your filthy apartment doesn’t create a default invitation to mine. ‘

    Basically, if you’ve spent a night or weekend or whatever at yours, it’s his turn to host. But you won’t go there unless it’s clean. So he can clean or you can both accept that you are incompatible and not move forward.

    Don’t give in. Don’t clean his house, don’t let your home become the clean place he gets to hang out in.

  8. “Okay, so–I don’t want to hurt any feelings, but being in a dirty house really turns me off.”

  9. He’s a grown man and older than you. He knows – he doesn’t care.

    This is your future – find someone you don’t have to parent

  10. This behavior tells u a lot about his personality. And it shows you, what would happen, when you live with him. And the people someone surrounds himself with, also tells you a lot. I would be careful, if he is really the right one.

  12. Why kindly, though? This is an emergency. Your sex drive is shot. He has mold on his dishes. You are feeling like a mom to two boys (and one isn’t even your bf, just a roommate!). Now is the time for bluntness, reality and your boundaries.

  13. First of all stop cleaning up after them. You’re just teaching them that if they leave it for long enough you’ll magically swoop in and take care of it. That’s a fucked up gender role you don’t want to perpetuate.

    Second, just don’t go over there until he cleans BEFORE you arrive. He’s just as capable of cleaning up as you are.

  14. You don’t tell him he needs to. You explain that basic cleanliness and hygiene are requirements for you when it comes to your partner.

    That’s it. It is now up to him to decide if you are worth developing clean and hygienic habits for. That will tell you all you need to know.

  16. No. No. No. no. Nooooooo.

    This mess is OBVIOUSLY disgusting. There is no need to voice to someone that this is unacceptable.

    This is the level of effort and concern he is willing to put into this living environment. This is also the level of effort and concern he is willing to put into making you feel comfortable when you visit.

    Stop cleaning up after him. Stop making ANY effort to visit him.

    Consider just breaking up because you really really super do not want to live with or saddle yourself with someone who lives like this.

    Gross.

  18. Imagine if your boyfriend told you he hated getting in your car because you always left empty drink cups. Imagine he said it to you several times.

    Would you make a sincere effort to clean those up? Of course you would *because you care about him and you know it bothers him*.

    It doesn’t matter why you are asking — it’s a legitimate request that other people might make of him. He chooses to not accommodate a request.

    And it’s not a huge deal, right? But what happens when it’s something that involves your health and safety? Your financial future? Your children?

    Do you honestly believe he is going to give a shit then?

  19. Take a good look around. That is your future if you stay with that man.

    I moved in with a guy who blamed others for the mess at his place. I believed him. He was lying.

    He never cleaned our place. Never. Didn’t shovel snow or mow the lawn. Never cooked.

    People said, “stop cleaning up after him and he’ll learn.” They were wrong. The bathroom didn’t get cleaned for 3 months. There were piles of socks and underwear in my living room, hundreds of beer bottles in the kitchen.

    Walk away. Expect more from a partner. It’s not a little thing. It’s a big deal.

  21. It’s been long enough that “kindness” is not really an option anymore. Especially since you’ve shown him that you’ll do the housework for free without his input.

  22. I wouldn’t tell him kindly because the message needs to sink in. Nobody wants to date a dirty pig.

  23. Agree with other posters.

    No more visiting let alone staying in the biohazard of an apartment.

    As others noted if bf wants you to stay at his place then it needs to be clean. No moldy dishes/whatever.

    Also when he stays at your place he sure as hell better cleanup after himself as to messes where ever but particularly in the bathroom.

    Just because he’s okay with living in a place impersonating a pig sty doesn’t mean he treats your place that way nor you as his mommy.

    I’d go so far as to suggest if he doesn’t start to care and clean up it isn’t worth going further with this relationship. This presumes you want a relationship with a self sufficient man and not a man who expects you to do all the ‘female stuff’ aka all chores.

  26. Bf is not emotionally stable and loving if he observes you cleaning up his messes and does nothing to improve.

  28. I know it feels like you’re doing something nice for him by cleaning but.. please, please don’t. You need to kindly let him know that you love him but you will not spend time there until it’s no longer a health hazard.
    Don’t try to figure this out for him either.
    Once you start “parenting”, it’s really difficult to go back and neither of you will enjoy the dynamic.

  29. If he’s the most emotionally stable man you’ve ever been with, it just means you have a consistently low bar.

    There’s no need to be kind. If he’s stable and cares about you he can take you being blunt.

  30. So I married one of the dirty roommates and I’m still friends with the other dirty roommate (also married).

    They both married women who like to clean. I know he’s not going to clean, I’m okay with it. He’s gotten better about vacuuming visible crumbs and some spot cleaning but I don’t expect him to radically change who he is.

    Do with this information what you will, but some people just don’t care about dirty dishes.

Leave a Reply
You May Also Like